26 Jul

Learning about Love

At some point in your life, you would have either learnt specific beliefs as they were passed down to you by family and caregivers, or you would have formed your love and relationship beliefs based on your own perceptions and experiences growing up and throughout your life. All fears come from the ‘little you’, the ‘inner child’ as it’s sometimes referred to.

As children, we are like sponges soaking up information through all our senses, believing everything we are told by our parents and caregivers. We place meanings as we interpret events and experiences and everything we learn is stored in the subconscious mind. We form beliefs about the world around us and about other people, including love and relationships.

Bruce Lipton, cell biologist explains the concept of this in his book Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There from Here. I have paraphrased his account which details how the subconscious mind downloads information from the environment.

Before the age of 6, while we are in what’s called a ‘hypnagogic’ state literally hypnotised by all the information coming at us. Some of the beliefs, perceptions and inferences we form are untrue, our analytical self conscious mind doesn’t fully exist and does not have the filters or discriminations that we develop after the age of 6. We form beliefs based on what we ‘assume’ rather than what is fact. This often causes us problems later on in life, especially in the love and relationship area of our lives.

As adults, we hold onto those childhood beliefs, often without questioning where they came from, if they are/were true and if it is appropriate for us to hold onto them now. It’s the beliefs we form about love and relationships at that age, which can become a patterns of behaviour that we default to for the rest of our lives. Our subconscious beliefs keep running until we explore what we believe and how that is showing up in our lives.

Our pre set expectations about love and relationships are based on beliefs, perceptions, judgements and also our need for love, approval and acceptance from others. We often hand over the responsibility of being loved to another person (acting as a child would) and that in itself can put huge pressure on relationships.

Not only do we lose a sense of our identity, we also give up on taking responsibility for ourselves to fulfil our own needs. It often becomes an obsession to get our needs met by others and when they are not met, the issue can feel as crucial as life or death!

As children growing up, it is natural for us to look towards our caregivers and parents to cater to our every whim, to seek for and be rewarded with love, approval, acceptance and nurturing, though as adults it becomes our personal responsibility to give those things to ourselves, It’s no longer appropriate to look outside of ourselves for these things or to demand them in a relationship.

It is no longer appropriate as an adult to act from the ‘little me’ (your younger self/inner child) where you may be coming across as a needy baby or demanding child. In fact it complicates matters if we are constantly clingy, needy and wanting to be ‘filled up’ with love, approval, acceptance or attention from another.

When we truly grow up and take full responsibility to heal old wounds and take care of our own needs, our lives can change dramatically. We have the capacity to totally transform them. Life becomes all that we imagined and more.

If you would like to change your own limiting beliefs about love and relationships my forthcoming book Find YOU, Find Love (now available for pre-order on amazon uk) will take you step by step helping you to transform your love and relationship issues.

When we truly grow up

21 Jul

Honesty is the best policy – How to recognise what isn’t working in your life

Honesty is the best policy – How to recognise what isn’t working in your life.

Ok so life and love may not be the way you would like it to be right now.  This exercise will support you in working through your limiting beliefs about love and relationships.

Exercise

• Create an inventory of your time line (from birth to now) of any negative, fearful beliefs and emotions that limit you, especially connected to love and relationships

• Observe and question in the best way that you can, what you have come to believe about love and relationships and why

• Keep a diary or journal to record painful feelings, the situations in which the feelings arise that make you feel unhappy

• Once you notice a thread of thought, explore if the thoughts are propelling you forward towards joy and happiness or are your thoughts holding you back from love?

• Identify 10 of your own limiting beliefs about love and relationships, select the references (evidence that you think is true) that make these beliefs apparent for you.

Be aware from now on, when you are thinking or behaving in a way that may be limiting you. The words in our heads create thoughts, the thoughts create feelings , the feelings create actions and actions create results (negative or positive)

Release the beliefs that no longer serve you using The Spotlight Process and EFT.   These powerful transformation techniques can be found in Find YOU, Find LOVE which is now available on amazon uk for pre-order

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13 Jul

VICTOR or VICTIM of the Past?

You have the ability, rather than to be a victim of the past to choose how to use your past to your best advantage.

The thoughts and feelings you have about yourself are so important.  In fact your thoughts are like seeds that will germinate and grow, spreading far and wide. If you think you are unlovable, not good enough, worthless etc these thoughts will grow and take root in all areas of your life.

My forthcoming book Find YOU, Find LOVE will support you to work through any limiting beliefs left over from past experiences. I can guide you to work through where your beliefs came from, why they were formed and the purpose the belief may have had for you (often to keep you safe from imagined fear of the past repeating itself again) you will be able to transform the belief into new seeds of truth and have yourself a beautiful garden of hopes and dreams.

Any time you feel yourself being re-triggered into past memories and fears, recognise the early warning signs that you are going back down the slippery slope to the past. Any time you experience emotional overwhelm, you can ask yourself the following questions to bring clarity and awareness to what’s really going on for you.

• What am I feeling in this moment?
• How does this feeling relate to my past?
• When was the first time I felt this way?
• How often between then and now have I felt this way?
• What belief did I form from experiencing this feeling?
• How has this belief affected my life?
• Is this belief hindering me or helping me?
• If I was able to let go of this belief that was formed in the past what would that leave space for?
• I am willing to release this old belief of….
• What new and empowering belief can I choose to transform the past?
• I am willing to accept my new belief that….
• I choose to use my past, for my highest good
• I am willing to let go of the past and step into the future

I’m available to work with you in person or over Skype if you feel that you would like some personal support. A copy of Find YOU, Find LOVE is included in all my love and relationship programmes. http://goo.gl/crnvoZ 

There is no evidence that the past will repeat itself again, it is purely our thinking that tells us so and my advice is ‘don’t believe everything you think’.

Growing from the past is productive, living there isn’t.

growing from the past

06 Jul

Grieving a love lost

When a relationship ends we go through the grieving process.  Even if that person hasn’t died and maybe didn’t treat us well, we grieve the loss of what we had,  what we hoped for in our partners and the relationship that we dreamed of having in our future.

Be gentle with yourself if you are grieving a relationship, allow your emotions that come up as they can be cleared and transformed using EFT.  My forthcoming book Find YOU, Find LOVE will gently guide you to work through the emotions that you may be feeling.  If you do need some personal support  I offer various programmes that will aid your progress.

To explore your general beliefs about love and relationships you may like to complete the statements below with your own ending (you may even have several endings based on how far your thinking reaches about each statement) you may also have additional statements that you would like to add to the list

  • All men/woman/relationships are…
  • Good relationships are…
  • I always seem to attract people that are…
  • My parent’s beliefs about love and relationships are…
  • When I think about love I feel…
  • When I’m in a relationship I …
  • The thought of having a happy loving relationship makes me feel…
  • I tend to meet men/women who are…
  • When it comes to relationships I always…
  • If I met my life partner I’m afraid that…
  • Being in a loving relationship is…
  • You’re better off alone because…

These are just a few of the insightful questions that I will be exploring with you in Find YOU, Find LOVE.  When you get to the heart of your love and relationship problems using The Spotlight Process, a unique transformational tool that I have developed to guide you to the heart of love, you realise that what you are grieving now might be something else entirely.

grieving process