27 Jun

Learning about Love

In recent weeks we’ve covered much on the topic of limiting beliefs connected to love and relationships.

you can backtrack on the posts if you want to understand more about your own beliefs and how they may at times block you from having the kind of love and relationships you desire.

Love and relationship beliefs ~

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

At some point in your life, you would have learnt specific beliefs as they were passed down to you by family members or caregivers, or you would have formed your own love and relationship beliefs based on your own perceptions and experiences growing up and throughout your life. All fears come from the ‘little you’, the ‘inner child’ as it’s sometimes referred to.

Be sure to nurture and love the child inside you, she still exists

As children, we are like sponges soaking up information through all our senses, believing everything we are told by our parents and caregivers. We place meanings as we interpret events and experiences and everything we learn is stored in the subconscious mind. We form beliefs about the world around us and about other people, including love and relationships.

Bruce Lipton, cell biologist explains the concept of this in his book Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There from Here. I have paraphrased his account which details how the subconscious mind downloads information from the environment.

Before the age of six, while we are in what’s called a ‘hypnagogic’ state literally hypnotised by all the information coming at us. Some of the beliefs, perceptions and inferences we form are untrue, our analytical self conscious mind doesn’t fully exist and does not have the filters or discriminations that we develop after the age of six. We form beliefs based on what we ‘assume’ rather than what is fact. This often causes us problems later on in life, especially in the love and relationship area of our lives.

As adults, we hold onto those childhood beliefs, often without questioning where they came from, if they are/were true and if it is appropriate for us to hold onto them now. It’s the beliefs we form about love and relationships at that age, which can become a patterns of behaviour that we default to for the rest of our lives. Our subconscious beliefs keep running until we explore what we believe and how that is showing up in our lives.

Our pre set expectations about love and relationships are based on beliefs, perceptions, judgements and also our need for love, approval and acceptance from others. We often hand over the responsibility of being loved to another person (acting as a child would) and that in itself can put huge pressure on relationships.

Not only do we lose a sense of our identity, we also give up on taking responsibility for ourselves to fulfil our own needs. It often becomes an obsession to get our needs met by others and when they are not met, the issue can feel as crucial as life or death!

As children growing up, it is natural for us to look towards our caregivers and parents to cater to our every whim, to seek for and be rewarded with love, approval, acceptance and nurturing, though as adults it becomes our personal responsibility to give those things to ourselves, It’s no longer appropriate to look outside of ourselves for these things or to demand them in a relationship.

It is no longer appropriate as an adult to act from the ‘little me’ (your younger self/inner child) where you may be coming across as a needy baby or demanding child. In fact it complicates matters if we are constantly clingy, needy and wanting to be ‘filled up’ with love, approval, acceptance or attention from another.

If you’d like to understand more about yourself, your relationships and how your past has influenced you up to now check out my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE

When you’re ready to fully invest in yourself I have a range of support programmes you might like to consider.

I welcome the opportunity to connect with you and your wonderful inner child.

When we truly grow up and take full responsibility to heal old wounds and take care of our own needs, our lives can change dramatically. We have the capacity to totally transform them. Life becomes all that we imagined and more.

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy

This blog posts concludes the series related to limiting beliefs, I hope you have enjoyed it.

As a thank you for following you might like to listen to these 2 free MP3’s audios Standing in the Spotlight of Love and 21 Steps to LOVE …enjoy

 

22 Jun

Ten Years in the Making

A decade.  Ten years.  A passage in time.  Ten years of hopes and dreams and in betweens…..

When you think of the number 10 what comes to mind?

Do you jump back to the age of ten, think about Ten Pin Bowling, remember your ten times tables, the movie Ten or something else entirely?

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Well, I have a little confession and I got my 10 and 8 muddled up (for those of you who know about cockney rhyming slang, one would say ”I got myself in a two and eight” = state)

Just recently…with much excitement, drum rolling and even celebratory drinks, I shared a post on Facebook proclaiming a anniversary of ten years in my business when in fact it’s only been eight….woops

Maybe the ‘Freudian Slip’ is to blame (an error of speech, memory, internal train of thought or subconscious wish) or perhaps it actually feels like i’ve been doing what I love for longer than I have.   And, well…for those of you who know me i’m never one to miss a chance to celebrate!

So why am I writing this blog?

Firsty my good friend Jayesh suggested I write up my ten (eight years) in the making and secondly i’m reaching out to that part of you who, maybe just a tad could also do with celebrating your successes.

If you were ever hesitant about celebrating and having a bit of self-recognition now you have an excuse, because this blog is encouraging you to do just that…celebrate your wins, big and small.  In fact let’s celebrate right now, you’re here reading this and that in itself is a celebration!

So whether you’ve been doing something new for a day, a week, a month, a year or ten, my message is celebrate your successes, achievements, milestones and greatness, heck let’s start a Mexican wave and see how far across the globe it travels….

I bet if you look back over the last ten years and reflect on what you’ve overcome, the challenges you’ve got through, the problems you’ve resolved and what you’ve achieved you might actually start nodding your head as you read, smiling and saying out loud ‘wow’…..

Before you start chasing your next goal, dream, rainbow or bus, my invitation to you is to stand still (after the Mexican wave move) take a deep breath in and out, roll your shoulders back, stick your chest out and your tongue if you must and take stock on just how far you’ve come…then…and this is the fun part, point to yourself and say ”i’m amazing”, now say it even louder! Say it again and again.  Walk round and say it, do a little dance, jiggle your bottom, hold your head up high…take a bow…salute yourself and give yourself a round of applause. Yay, you rock!

Okay, now you can sit down now…

You are amazing, you’ve been through so much already and I know, right now, wherever you are in achieving the things which are important to you whether it’s learning Spanish, taking dance classes, improving your health, learning to knit or simply stretching yourself out of your comfort zone to be all you can be, there will be a time in the future when you’re having so much fun the concept of time runs away with itself and Julie Andrews style you’ll running around on a hill top pointing at yourself and saying ”i’m amazing”.

So my ten years in the making, albeit eight wouldn’t be possible without the engagement of others.  I love what I do.  It’s true, along the way i’ve fallen down, got back up, tried a new route, asked for help, had to learn a shed load of ‘stuff’, i’ve had some doubts, some fears, plenty of tears and yet…i’m ‘proof in the pudding’ (and I do love pudding)  that what you want to achieve you can!  Step by step with those little and large celebrations along the way, you will get there.  Remember, sometimes you just need to ‘be’, in the moment, taking that bow, recognising you, breathing, living, loving and celebrating you!

When you do what you love and you celebrate your achievements along the way you get more of what you want.  Appreciating the small steps, giant strides and leaps of faith you have taken and will continue to take will soon add up to actualising the dream, fulfilling your ambition, completing a task and well, a celebration or three.  Are you in?

Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.  Make time to smell the roses along the way. 

Now…

Just for fun, stand up again, put up both hands up in front of you and give me a high ten, you are amazing!

 

20 Jun

What’s blocking you from love?

It is crucial to ask yourself whether there is any benefit in keeping hold of limiting beliefs about love and relationships.

So far we’ve discussed:

Love and relationship beliefs ~

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

It might seem like an odd question to ask but how do you benefit from holding on to your limiting beliefs?

We often hold onto something that may limit us as it has a ‘pay off’ or secondary gain, a benefit of some sort.  We may do this unconsciously without even realising it.   More often than not, the things we say we don’t want and don’t like are things familiar to us.  The feeling of familiarity and staying in our comfort zones can be appealing, even if we say we don’t like it, it’s known and in many ways feels ‘safe’.

It’s time to stop shining the light on the past, because that’s not where the future is

Think about the problem or limiting belief that you would like to change.  Measure the percentage of each belief and how true it is for you 0% being untrue and 100% being totally true for you.

  • Do I deserve to get over this problem?
  • Is it good for me to get over this problem?
  • Is it safe for me to get over this problem?
  • Is it safe for others if I get over this problem?
  • Is it possible for me to overcome this problem?
  • Can I choose to allow myself to get over this problem?

If your answers are anything less than 100% you might want to have a word with yourself, reflecting on the following questions

  • Am I willing to do what it takes to get over this problem?
  • What are the negative aspects of no longer having this problem?
  • What would I lose if you didn’t have this problem?
  • What are the positive aspects of not having this problem?
  • What needs to happen for me to end this situation?
  • What resources do I have or need to end this situation?

Changing beliefs need not be difficult.  The first step towards changing our limiting beliefs is with awareness

There are many tools and techniques available to support you in changing beliefs.  Martix reimprinting utilising EFT and The Spotlight Process are two of my preferred techniques to aid in belief change. You can find out more here

To check in further and to gauge if there are any resistances to changing your beliefs, current problems and challenges ponder on the following questions and answer with a yes or no.

  • I deserve to get over this problem
  • It is safe for me/others to get over this problem
  • I am willing to do what it takes to get over this problem
  • I will allow myself to get over this problem
  • I am ready to get over this problem
  • It is good for me to get over this problem
  • It is possible for me to overcome this problem
  • I benefit from getting over this problem
  • Others benefit from me getting over this problem
  • I have what it takes to get over this problem
  • I choose to get over this problem
  • I want to get over this problem

If you answer mostly no’s please do make contact and let’s work together to change those limiting beliefs.  Alternatively you can always explore my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE to get you back on track.

You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new – Brian Tracey

13 Jun

Love and Relationship Beliefs

Limiting beliefs are something we have all experienced at one time or another.

Sometimes our beliefs work for us but often times when it comes to love and relationships our past experiences are what limit us when it comes to love.

In recent weeks we’ve discussed:

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

This week’s blog will give you an opportunity to reflect specifically on your love and relationship beliefs.

You might like to record the answers in a journal as you go along.

  • What limiting negative beliefs do you have about love?
  • What limiting negative beliefs do you have about relationships?
  • What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself? (i.e. I’m not good enough)
  • What love and relationship beliefs are influencing your life negatively right now?
  • Where do these beliefs come from?
  • How did you come to believe what you do?
  • Are these beliefs your own or ones that were passed down to you?
  • What does having those beliefs mean to you/say about you?
  • What triggers these beliefs?
  • What does this belief accomplish?
  • Are the beliefs appropriate for you today, or ones that you picked up years ago and forgot to update?
  • What are the beliefs you hold about yourself in terms of love and relationships?
  • What is the negative impact of having these beliefs?
  • Is there any benefit or reason for keeping these beliefs?
  • What alternative beliefs could you choose?
  • If you changed those beliefs, what would you be able to do that you can’t do now?
  • What happens when you change those limiting beliefs?
  • What will you gain from letting go of these limiting beliefs?
  • What positive and empowering beliefs would you like to have about yourself, love and relationships instead of the above?

Slave to love

Understanding beliefs and past conditioning

At this point in your life you may have many different beliefs about love and relationships running.  When I say running, I mean running like movies running through your mind or running like taped conversations playing over in your head or an endless series of thoughts, feelings and emotions moving through you.

When you think of the love and relationship movies you have been playing in your mind can they be compared a romance with a happy ending or is yours more of a heartbreak hotel scenario?

These movies often represent a constant flow of negatives (the voice of our inner critic/voice of doom, like a parasite that eats away at us from the inside and a voice we start to believe in and feelings that we think are real). We replay over and over the same movies and the same story, until story becomes engrained.  That movie or inner story then becomes a default behaviour that we respond to when presented with a situation that is like one we have experienced before and triggers off what we believe to be true.  Most of what we react to has very little to do with a new experience and everything to do with past experiences (old movies)

Here are some general beliefs about love and relationships that you might be familiar with and may well form part of your own story or movie.  Which statements do you identify with?

  • ‘’Men/women are all the same’’
  • ‘’Men/woman can’t be trusted’’
  • ‘’Men/women are selfish and only think about themselves’’
  • ‘’Men/women will only let you down’’
  • ‘’You’re better off on your own’’
  • ‘’Love hurts’’
  • ‘’Nothing lasts forever’’
  • ‘’Relationships are a waste of time’’
  • ‘’Nothing good ever happens to me’’

What additional statements do you find yourself repeating time and time again based on your experiences (movies?)

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it – Rumi

Next time we talk about what’s blocking you from love.  If you can’t wait to learn more about love & relationships order your copy of Find YOU, Find LOVE right here 

05 Jun

What is it you believe?

In recent weeks we’ve discussed:

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

This week’s blog gives you an opportunity to get clear on what it is you believe.

Insightful Questions

Read through the following questions and notice your responses. You might be surprised at how unkind the thoughts you have about yourself really are.

• How many of your thoughts about yourself are critical, blaming, bullying, shaming, ugly, unloving, downright rude and uncaring?

• What do you say to yourself on a regular basis that’s damaging and unkind?

• How often do you project into the future the idea that love and relationships are pointless, that you’re not good enough, slim enough, tall enough, worthy enough, attractive enough, smart enough?

• Would you talk to a best friend or a child the way you talk to and criticise yourself?

• Would you tell that person that they will never amount to anything, that they are useless, unlovable, worthless, stupid, ugly, shameful, inadequate, and pitying?

Chances are, you would not say these things or others like them to another person and so it’s time to stop speaking about yourself in a limiting way. It’s time to stop the war against yourself, it’s time to stop rejecting yourself, time to stop replaying the past, time to stop beating yourself up and playing small and time to get rid of the voice from the past.

Thought Power

It’s time to start loving yourself and giving yourself the time, attention love and care that you deserve. It’s time to listen to and meet your own needs by yourself for yourself.

Our main problems and limiting beliefs, come from the perception of our level of success, love, belonging, self worth, control, security, reality and reason. Getting really honest with yourself about the core beliefs that you may be running like a film or story in your mind, is a very important step in change work. Once we realise that a lot of the stories and movies that we play in our minds are outdated and unhelpful, we know what areas to work on.

Be aware that some core beliefs come from our conditioning whilst growing up. There is no blame here on our caregivers, we were very young when we formed our core beliefs and at the time, these beliefs seemed to be appropriate for us. Core beliefs may be formed based on the following conditions:

• Fear associated with rejection/not being lovable, worthy or approved of

• Fear associated with not meeting expectations, being good enough, adequate, recognised

• Fear associated with criticism, judgement, being made wrong, being told off, being compared

• Fear associated with people giving you attention, unwanted attention, smothering, feeling singled out, harassed, embarrassed

Core beliefs can be likened to a table. At the top of the table is the limiting core belief. This is held up by the table legs which are formed from family conditioning, societal conditioning, emotional events, upset and trauma. Your core beliefs may also have many other beliefs underlying them supporting the core belief.

Remember, there is never any blame. Whatever you discover that shaped your beliefs (if you felt unloved, unimportant, ignored or rejected by a parent or significant other) it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you, it was purely the meaning and belief you placed on an event or series of events and experiences with the knowledge that you had at the time.

We forget as adults that many of the beliefs we formed in childhood are outdated, destructive and are often completely wrong. Working through and having an awareness of the memories that you would like transformed is the start to the road of finding you and finding love.

Joking aside, I would like to remind you of some old, outdated, beliefs that you may have moved on from already:

• Father Christmas
• The Tooth Fairy
• Monsters under the bed
• Fairy tales and other stories

EFT and The Spotlight Process will offer further support on moving on from your limiting beliefs. Everything you need is right here in my first  book Find YOU, Find LOVE, a small price to pay for a major change. What is the cost of holding on to those limiting beliefs?