21 Nov

Every No is One Step Closer to a Yes!

I don’t know about you but there have been times in my life when I couldn’t decide if I was indecisive or not and other times when it’s been very clear to me that I need to take a different route or make an alternative choice.

Whether it’s relationships, career prospects, trying the next diet or learning something new only to discover it’s not for you, I want you to know every no is one step closer to a yes.

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If something doesn’t work out the way you hoped for all is not lost.  Ask yourself the following self-reflection questions for deeper meaning:

  • What did I learn from this experience generally?
  • What did I learn about myself?
  • If I use this experience to work for me, what has it provided me with that I wasn’t clear about before?
  • What is the gift in this situation ? – How has what happened actually benefited me?
  • How true was I being to myself in that experience?
  • What can I do differently next time?
  • Using the wisdom from my learning how can I make my next choices more congruent with who I am and what I want?
  • When I think about what I want rather than what I don’t want, what are the next actions that will take me closer to my goal?
  • Realising every no is one step closer to a yes, what do I know for sure, what haven’t I yet thought of, what is this an opportunity for?

Sometimes we can over complicate a situation by criticising ourselves, our choices, the other person, the experience, heck even the weather and waste valuable time getting caught up in angst and we all know what that feels like.

If you were to draw a line under it, move on, ask yourself the above questions and take a new course of action….what’s the best that can happen?

Remember every no is one step closer to a yes.  Begin today by saying yes to you!

 

 

15 Nov

Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

What is it you want to change?

Making change and setting new boundaries begins with you.  As much as you might want your significant other, mother, co-worker, best friend or neighbour to change, you will find it far easier to make the change begin with you.  It might mean you have to step out of your comfort zone, be assertive, feel uncomfortable for a while and face your fears but without making the change to make new choices, nothing will change.

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Reflect on these questions first before reading The 10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to stop doing?
•  What would you like ‘insert the name of the person here’ to start doing?
•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to do differently?

 
•  What are you willing to stop doing?
•  What are you able to start doing?
•  What can you do differently to improve your relationship?

In relationships, until we can speak up and communicate our needs clearly, assertively and respectfully, the problems, challenges and the behaviours of those we have relationships with, remain the same.  When we change the way we communicate consistently, there is every possibility those around us will be influenced by the change and mirror back to us the positive communication.

10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

1. Speak from the ‘I’. (‘‘I would like you to listen to what I’m about to say. I would like to make some positive changes in our relationship. I feel we would benefit from putting the past behind us. It would mean so much to me if you are able to hear what I’ve communicated and consider my requests, thank you for considering this’’) Saying thank you at the end of a statement like this voices the assumption that the other person will listen and acknowledge your proposal.

2. Keep communications in the positive and future tense (‘‘What I would like is for us to do is XYZ.  I believe we would both benefit from this change’’)

3. Clearly identify your boundary. Spend time figuring out what you want before you voice your limits (Do you need your neighbour, friend, your mother to stop turning up unannounced or calling you when you’re in the middle of preparing an evening meal. Would you prefer them to call round at a specific time when you are both free?)

4. Understand why you need a boundary. What’s your motivation and reason for setting this boundary? (If it’s not convenient for your neighbour, mother or friend to turn up or call without notice, let her know you will have undivided time them if you can call at 8pm for 30 minutes once the children are in bed)

5. Make your communications clear. Be direct and assertive in your conversation (If you fear conflict or confrontation you may not say exactly what you mean, which leaves room for confusion or doubt). It might spare the person you are in conflict with feelings if you aren’t direct and to the point but how will you feel? What is the cost if you do nothing to make this change, who suffers?)

6. Don’t give long explanations or apologise (Setting boundaries isn’t something you need to say sorry for and it doesn’t have to be a long drawn out process. Short, sharp and clear communications works best.  If someone is demanding of your time when it’s inconvenient you have to let them know e.g. (‘‘I would like weekends to myself, I need more time to study, thank you for understanding this. I look forward to meeting you on Wednesday afternoons to catch up’’)

7. Remain calm and polite (Boundaries are best set outside of an argument, getting into dialogue about making change in the heat of the moment when both of you are angry, neither person can really hear the other. Keep your anger in check and leave all sarcasm and condescending tone out of your communications)

8. Start with firm boundaries (It’s easier to loosen a tight boundary after it’s been set rather than trying to tighten a weak boundary.  If your mother or mother in law is interfering and trying to reorganise your home, e.g., ‘‘I’d prefer it if you don’t come into my home when I’m not there. I want the way I’ve left my home to stay the same, I like it how it is.’’ It’s easier at a later date to invite her to take a mini-break in your home while you are away, on the condition she leaves things as they are, or to pop round an hour before you get home if she wants to watch something not available on her own TV package). Don’t overextend yourself or try and ‘people please’ or agree to commitments you will later have to cancel or do begrudgingly. Get clear from the start.

9. Address any breaking of boundaries early on. As soon as a boundary is broken, reset it. Remind the person concerned of your boundary. (‘‘You may have forgotten , I need the weekends to myself study, I can see you on Wednesday afternoons instead’’)

10. Don’t make it personal. Rather than tell the person you are in conflict with everything you think about them being inconsiderate of your time, your appointments and plans it is far easier to be direct. eg (‘‘I’m happy to pick you up and take you to Maggie’s, but you will need to be ready at 10 a.m’’)

It’s possible the person you wish to set boundaries with won’t welcome these changes though in order for your relationship to improve, it’s important to end the struggles you each have within your relationship and find new solutions to old problems.  All it takes is one person to change and this change begins with you.

Stand up for what you want in life, agree to disagree if need be.  If you don’t you are living someone elses life on their terms, not yours, and that’s not really living life at all.

If you’re in need of further support in setting healthy personal boundaries please do make contact at
www.wendyfry.com to discuss best support options.

08 Nov

You Have Your Whole Life Ahead of You

It’s time to write a new chapter….

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Will you spend it living the same day over and over again or will you decide today’s the day I’m taking action?

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If you’re guilty of saying, ”I’ll do it tomorrow, next week, next month or next year,” it’s likely what you intend to do may never come to pass.  I only know this because I’ve been guilty too of delaying the agony of getting started on something and staying in my comfort zone. That is until I’d had enough of telling the same story and decided to get up off my laurels and decided to live my life on purpose.

Ideal circumstances don’t always present themselves to us so in reality we can go blue in the face for the right relationship, the right job, the right day, the right time when in fact if you were to join me and say ‘today is the right day because I say so’ .  Taking this ‘can do’ attitude means you no longer have to sit in the sidelines watching life pass you, wishing, hoping and dreaming things will magically materialise and wondering where the heck all those years went.

Make a start today, decide what it is you want.  Break the actions down into realistic and manageable chunks then, take action, take action, take action and before you know it you’ll be crossing off your to do list and enjoying the benefits of mastering your destiny.  You can even do the happy dance if you are so inclined.

We each have 86,400 seconds in a day, how will you spend your time? Remember time can’t be banked and every day is an opportunity to begin a new chapter.

Live your life on purpose!

Need a hand in getting unstuck?  Contact me here

Time waits for no man or woman.  On your marks, get set, go!