02 Apr

Why Asking for Help is good for you

When was the last time you reached out to another person or group to ask for help?

Asking for help may come easily for some of you though for others there may be untrue beliefs around speaking up which holds you back from voicing your needs.

Here are some of the following statements clients and friends have made when it comes to asking for help, which do you resonate with?

”I can’t ask for help, i’ll look stupid”

”If I ask for help they will think i’m an idiot”

”Last time I asked for help I got shot down and was told I should know”

”If I ask for help I feel too vulnerable, I don’t want people to think i’m weak”

”Asking for help means others will judge me negatively”

”If I ask for help and he/she/they say no I will wish i’d never asked”

”I hate asking for help, it makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed”

”I will look like a fool is I ask for help”

”At my age I should know how to do this but I don’t, it’s harder to ask for help when you’re older”

These are just a few of the limiting beliefs and meanings placed on past experiences or future projections which can get in the way of asking for help.  By not speaking up we may never get out of our comfort zones to learn new things or give others the good fortune to help us flourish and grow as well as the opportunity for them to share knowledge and feel good about being able to do so.

Asking for help is good for you, not only does it flex your uncomfortable muscle until it’s feels more comfortable to ask, the more you ask the more likely it is you will be offered help and support.  If you don’t ask you don’t get.  Trying to do everything on your own, by yourself is not only frustrating it can be exhausting too.

Asking for help in the long run can reduce stress, give you the information that’s missing so that what was unknown becomes known and as a result the things you want to be, do and have are more likely to come to pass.

It’s time to end the struggle and ask for help….

What’ the best that can happen?

How will learning how to do something or having something done for you benefit you?

By asking, what does it give both the recipient and the giver of help an opportunity for?

When asking becomes so comfortable for you what will it give you that you don’t have now?

How will having that assist you long term? 

This week I have been asking for help with all sorts of things and getting out of my own comfort zone so far I have been offered help in setting up some new software on my PC.  Help in unblocking a drain. Support in taking my phone back to a setting which I couldn’t find.  Understanding the meanings of some health tests as well as also having the opportunity to help those who have reached out to me.

Please do join me in helping others and giving those people you ask for help the opportunity to see you grow, in doing so you help them grow too.  Together we are stronger.

When nothing is certain, everything is possible…..

 

 

 

26 Mar

Happy Other Mother’s Day

To all the ‘other mothers’, those special people who find us in our time of need, who love and accept us unconditionally for who we are, I give thanks to you today and every day.

March 26th in the UK is traditionally Mother’s Day.  A day to give thanks to the woman who gave birth to us and to acknowledge her and the gifts she has shared.  It is my hope that you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and enjoy each others company and  mutual love and respect.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have strong bonds with our mothers, for some they do not know of their birth mothers for others they are estranged and in conflict, many are bereft of their mothers in physical form and for some grieving the relationship they hoped for though I think it’s fair to say every woman on the planet has experienced the love of ‘another mother’.

Other mothers are those women who love us unconditionally and accept us for who we are warts and all.  They pick us up in times of need, hold us when we are at our wits end and encourage us to be our best.  They save us from ourselves on the darkest of nights and the hardest of days.  In short these women are amazing, angels in the physical form with hearts of gold who with their presence, for however long they are in our lives enable us to feel loved, valued, appreciated and held dear.

I have been so blessed to experience the love of ‘other mother’s’ throughout my life and I sincerely hope as you are reading this your mind wonders to the beautiful women who have graced your life and helped you on your way.

So whether it’s a step-mother, mother-in-law, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, landlady, teacher, college, therapist, friend, nurse, support worker or indeed a mother figure in spirit let us take a moment collectively together to acknowledge the love of those very special other mothers.

To be loved unconditionally is the greatest gift we can give to each other.  Where there is love there is hope and truth and light..

Thank you, other mothers for your love, your time and care, within me is part of you and your love of which I am ever grateful.

From my heart to yours with love x

Wendy 

 

18 Mar

Love Lives On…

This week I am reminded at the fragility of life and what may seem like the permanence of death.

Close friends are grieving the loss of loved ones and are in shock, unable to process what has happened, while others have the anniversaries of the deaths of their loved ones passing which evokes all kinds of memories both happy and sad.

As we approach Mother’s Day here in the UK there are many of us who no longer have the presence of a physical Mother and we may grieve not only the relationship as it was though also the relationship we hoped for.

We will each find comfort in different ways.  For myself when grief hits and it often does at unexpected moments I simply acknowledge that my grief is an indication that there is love ever present in the moment.

We are each blessed with the gift of life.  How we use the gift and the 86,400 seconds in a day is personal to us.  We can choose to celebrate the precious moments shared with others and the gift of life we have within us or betroth our self to holding onto pain, sadness and loss.

Take a moment and consider your loved one who has come to pass from the physical plane, what would they want for you right now?

Would they want you to be unhappy or would they say ”thank you for the good times, it was a pleasure to connect with you in time and space, now go and live your life to the fullest, I will be here cheering you on from the sidelines”  

Life is for living and loving.  Remembering the loved ones we have lost with love keeps their memory alive in our hearts and minds.  Death is nothing at all.

I share with you this beautiful poem written by Henry Scott Holland.  It is my hope you find comfort in the words and consider as a result how you choose to live today.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

As always my  blog posts come straight from my heart with love,

x Wendy

 

12 Mar

The Precious Present

In the blink of an eye life can change and never go back to the same way or shape it was before.

Whether it’s our health, the longevity of others, our careers, relationships or ambitions nothing is certain and it’s easy to take so many things for granted.

Most of us spend time worrying about the future predicting all kinds of catastrophes and for others they are stuck in the past fearful that the past will repeat itself through not taking any action to prove their fears otherwise.  How many of us are actually present?

Just this week I have been reminded about the preciousness of life.  It is a gift given to us although how many of us savour it, enjoy it, appreciate it and respect it?

When was the last time you simply stopped to be? 

Do that now, just stop, sit back, sink into the surface you are laying or sitting on, take a deep breath in and out, roll your shoulders and neck, breathe in and out some more…really deeply this time.  Connect with your heart, go inside, feel the presence of yourself, inside of yourself….

This moment and the precious present is your only guarantee.  The moments before are gone, other moments may come through what of this one? 86,000 seconds in a day to enjoy, appreciate, acknowledge, savour and be grateful for.

Living life moment to moment is all we have ~ Let’s be grateful for the precious present, it is a gift to appreciate and enjoy.

 

 

04 Mar

Surrender to Possibility

In the absence of limited thinking and negative beliefs which hold you back from taking risks what would you do if you could do anything?

When was the last time you surrendered to not knowing an outcome and decided to go along for the journey anyway?

What’s the best that can happen when you surrender to possibility?

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Nothing is guaranteed in life except what you think to be impossible probably will be….

Remember IMPOSSIBLE includes the word I’M POSSIBLE.  My advice is to get on it, feel the fear and do it anyway you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

”It’s impossible” said Pride. ”It’s risky” said Experience, ”It’s pointless” said Reason, ”Give it a try” whispered The Heart…

What can you do today that your future self will thank you for?

What can you start doing, stop doing or do differently which will take you closer towards your hearts desires?

Live your life as if there are endless possibilities ~ The world is your lobster and what you want is only ever a thought away….

Act as if that which you want has come to pass and get into the ‘possibility mindset’, take action and strive to remember at all times :  When nothing is sure…everything is possible ~ Margaret Drabble

 

24 Feb

All in a Day’s Work

The mere mention of the word ‘work’ might be a trigger for some of you. The thought of working being all toil, blood, sweat and tears, relentless, unforgiving and stressful.  That is until that is you make your work, work for you.

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Give yourself a moment to reflect on the following work related questions.  Take stock of where you are, what’s working and what isn’t working and what you will benefit from changing.

  • What made you choose the line of work you’re in?
  • How did the job you are in come to be?
  • What do you hate about your job?
  • What do you love?
  • What would happen if the things you hate about your job you spent less time focusing on and spent more time appreciating the aspects which you enjoy?
  • What stops you creating a different outcome for yourself whether that be changing your line of work into another type of employment or speaking assertively and with positive intention to your boss about proposed changes to your workload and career progression?
  • If you could do anything, absolutely anything what kind of work would you choose for yourself without the supposed obstacles that are in your way?
  • If you want to be self employed and have been procrastinating about taking a leap of faith  what is it that stops you giving up the day job and building your own empire?
  • Are your beliefs about what you can do, be and have inspiring you to take action or holding you back even further, if so what are the more empowering beliefs you can choose for yourself?
  • What’s the cost if you do nothing to change your present situation?
  • Are you willing to pay that price?

I don’t have the answers to these questions as they will be personal to you though what I do know is if you spend time worrying about the week ahead on a Sunday night and the rest of your working week you’re clock watching and willing for that Friday feeling to come round quicker, you’re not making time to appreciate the good times in between.

If you’re gossiping in your tea break about your boss and other staff members who rile you, you’re reliving a past experience as if it was happening all over again, truth is it’s your gossiping about it that makes the situation worse, not the actual event itself.  If you take your work worries home and vent at your partner chances are your relationship will turn sour too.

Yes, we can all be triggered by different things, work, our boss, colleagues not pulling their weight, commuting, repetitive work, lack of clients, emails and calls not being replied to and generally feeling at war with the world and everyone in it, though remember, it’s not the trigger that’s the problem it’s the meaning you place on the trigger and the ‘stories and beliefs’ you build up about them.  The time and energy wasted focusing on the negatives you can never get back.

Tell a different story, focus on what you love about your work, explore how you can make practical changes to your workload, ask for help, take risks and most of all dare to live, dare to be, dare to use your skills to their fullest and most of all dare to live your life with passion and purpose.

I hope you enjoy my little acronym for work

W illingness to learn new things
O penminded about possibilities
R isk taker and change maker
K ick A*ss and then kick some more a*ss

Do the work you love and you won’t work a day in your life!

Offering a range of stress management techniques, supporting you to get clear on your focus and holding you accountable to achieve your dreams, begin by saying yes to you!

I’m here to help you get started www.bepositive.me.uk 

When you’re ready to make your Monday Magical rather than ‘Just Another Manic Monday’ (The Bangles) contact me to work on getting past your past and making your future a happier place to be.

It’s time to kick some a*ss.

19 Feb

For the Love of Friendship

Friends are the family we choose to have in our lives.  Those all important people who with whom to share the highs and the lows and the roller coaster we call life.

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I’m often inspired to share in my blogs, real life events and today, out of the blue was surprised by a friend popping in on the off chance to see me and boy am I pleased I was in, albeit hanging out the washing with no milk in.  Friend’s don’t care if you hair is a mess, your home in disarray and there are no posh biscuits to share, they are there for you and meet you wherever you are.

What does the word friend or friendship mean to you?  

When you think about your own special family of friends, who comes to mind?  

How long have you know each other?

What similarities and interests do you share?

How did you come to meet?

What have you been through together?

What are your happiest memories shared? 

When was the last time you shared from your heart openly that you love your friends?

What’s your next available chance to make plans to meet with your friends? 

Time can’t be banked, exchanged or extended and before you know it time will fly…

Like my friend and I, life and circumstances took us to different parts of the country, each of us doing our own thing and yet coming together as if it was just yesterday we met.   With much chin wagging, hugs, laughter and tears we were able to fill in the blanks as to just how we have been sending our time.

There’s something truly special about friends and the best way I can describe it is like having a heart centred connection which stays in place and whenever life might take you that connection is a bond never broken.

Whether it’s been a month, a year or indeed years you have been out of contact with friends, coming together to meet each other exactly where you’re each at, will bring much joy to your heart.

Reach out today and make a plan to connect and share your journey with your friends.

Time passes quickly – real friendship lasts forever…

13 Feb

The Risk of Perfectionism

Is it true? Are you a perfectionist?

It’s great to be detail orientated, focused on getting things right and doing a good job though when perfection gets out of hand you either take no risks at all or become obsessed with getting everything perfect.  I know from experience this can be exhausting as well as time consuming and soul destroying.

We often learn in childhood the need to get things right whether it’s mastering the art of learning the alphabet, times tables, having table manners, tying our shoe laces and maybe later going on to ride a bike or swim, in our early years we never stop learning.

Somewhere along the line we may have been told off, disapproved of, made to feel small, wrong or been openly criticised for something we said, did, didn’t do or say.  It’s hard to get things right, let’s be honest and getting them wrong is how we learn except to say we often feel bad or wrong if we make a mistake and this often becomes the driver for wanting to be perfect.

Most of us want to be liked, loved, approved or, accepted and praised and these traits are at the basis of being a perfectionist.  There is a part of us in fear of getting things wrong, worries about looking like a fool or worse still there is a fear we are going to be judged by others.

I admit I used to be a perfectionist.  I had good teachers when it came to this and modelled my behaviours on being a ‘good girl’.  Thing is, for me it got out of hand, I wouldn’t say ‘boo to a goose’, speak up, assert myself or take risks, I didn’t say no to anyone and took on way more work and responsibilities than was my fair share along the way.  I’d pretty much compare it to being ‘locked in.’  Being a real person but not actually being ‘me’ only saying, doing or being the person I thought others wanted me to be.

Well…i’m pleased to say when I woke up from falling asleep and realised being a perfectionist was stopping me from achieving my full potential and that I spent more time worrying about what other people would think than actually taking risks in the direction of my dreams.  I had a word with myself and asked ‘so is this really working for you?’, you can guess the answer…

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I simply unlearnt my learning, I tried new things, fell down a few times and got back up, put on my Superwoman vest and pants and thought what the heck…what’s the worse than can happen – bring it on.

I started placing boundaries about what was okay and not okay for me and I began stretching myself and taking risks.  The good news is I had many successes despite fluffing up a few times.  Even at times when I got tongue tied or didn’t know an answer to things, I simply accepted this was part of my continued learning.  I am now incredibly brave and I love the sense of new found courage and curiosity.

The truth is, you can’t know everything and you can’t please everyone all of the time, so now I’m pleasing myself and have let go of the need to be perfect, liked, loved, accepted or approved of.  I can give those things to myself and so can you.

Walk this way and join me in a spot of unpicking your perfectionism.

I invite you to reflect on your own perfectionist traits and behaviours and how they might limit you:

  • When did you develop the habit of perfectionism, how old were you?
  • Is being a perfectionist now, really as life threatening as it might have seemed when you formed the belief ”I’ve got to be perfect to be loved?”
  • How does having a perfectionist streak work for you or indeed hold you back?
  • What would you have more time for if you stopped focusing on being perfect?
  • Who do you tend to try and please when it comes to being perfect (behaving like a good girl or good boy even if you’re an adult we all still behave this way at times?) 
  • What’ the cost of your perfectionism, what is it stopping you doing now, in the past or in the future?
  • If you were to unlearn your learning what would you do that you’re not currently doing in absence of perfectionism? 
  • What if you and your efforts are good enough just as they are?
  • How will letting go of perfectionism benefit you?
  • What can you do today with abandon which will get you out of your comfort zone enabling you to flex your ‘good enough muscle?’ 
  • In the absence of perfectionism what are you choosing to focus on instead?

I’ll admit that’s a lot of questions though you can’t get them wrong…

Begin today as you mean to go on.  Let the power of vulnerability and learning be greater than the power of fear and perfectionism.

Remember whatever you’re not doing that you’d like to do is on the other side of perfectionism and it sure feels good on the other side…come join me.

Just for fun if you want to watch me letting go of perfectionism you can do so here  on The Well-being Show with Emma-Jane Taylor, now that really was flying by the seat of your pants and my first time on TV.  Like you, I too am learning along the way…

Ready to get the help and support you might need in getting past your past?  You’re welcome to contact me here or alternatively:

www.bepositive.me.uk for general therapy

www.wendyfry.com for love and relationship support

www.mothersanddaughters.solutions for family and mother-daughter relationships and all that they entail

 

 

04 Feb

Happiness is Free

Happiness really is only ever a thought away….

According to Wikipedia:  ”Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy”

Happiness and joy just happen to be two of my favourite feelings, how about you?

What makes you happy?

Which memories are your happiest?

Who do you find yourself in the company of who makes you happy?

When you find yourself at your happiest, what are you thinking, doing or saying?

When was the last time you found yourself being joyous, happy, content?

If you could define the feeling of happiness on your terms, what does it look like, feel like and sound like for you?

What can you do today (taking full responsibility) to make yourself happier? 

 

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Get in touch with the feelings of happiness inside your body right now and imagine you have a dial which you can turn up to increases the level of happy feelings, do that in your mind right now, turn the dial up, make the picture of happiness brighter, sharper, clearer, stronger….

Turn up the feelings of happiness, right the way up, let the feeling grow and expand throughout your body….

Turn up the sounds of happiness inside your own mind and around you, make them louder, more defined, clearer.

If there is any smell or taste associated with happiness for you turn those senses up too….

Remember…Happiness is only ever a thought away!  Act as if and enjoy the feelings of joy and happiness right now.

And just for fun I share with you one of my favourite verses:

Smiling is infectious

You catch it like the flu

When someone smiled at me today

I started smiling too

I walked around the corner

And someone saw me grin

When he smiled I realised

I had passed it on to him

I thought about the smile

And then realised its worth

A single smile like mine

Could travel round the earth

So if you feel a smile begin

Don’t leave it undetected

Start an epidemic

And get the world infected.

Author Unknown (copied from ‘Poetic Expressions’)

So wishing you all a happy weekend ahead and remember happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.

With love from my heart to yours,

Wendy

www.wendyfry.com Helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems

 

28 Jan

Unlearning Your Learning

It’s true to say we all have habits, patterns of thinking, behaviours and a ways of reacting to life and it’s curve balls which either serve us well or ‘take us down the swanny without a paddle.’

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For those not familiar with this term, we are basically in a boat, oar-less, possibly screaming ‘stop the ride I want to get off’ or either trying to cling on to the nearest, person or thing not really knowing if we will make it or not.

This blog has become a habit for me and one I love because writing for me is a habit and I do love to inspire others with my words and shares.  Just like walking I learned to write a long time ago and both habits have served me well. Though not all habits are healthy and this is why i’m going to share my insights into unlearning your learning.

I’m often inspired to write about real life situations and just yesterday I was talking to a friend and we agreed it’s easy to get into the habit of just having a beer or a glass of wine or two after a long stressful day or even as a reward when your day has been ace.  The ‘wine o’clock or beer o’clock’ glasses come on and you think…’oh, just the one’ and before you know it that small one has become several bottles of beer, a bottle of wine and the six pack Hoola Hoops, the whole bag of mini-cheeses disappear (well they are mini you say to yourself) The box of chocolates you were saving for your aunt’s birthday get munched including the ones which aren’t your favourites and for afters you decide to open the tub of your favourite ice cream, you know the one with the cherries and choc-chip in or maybe it’s the rum and raisin for you.

Hmm…habits have a lot to answer to and so do we because it is us who are actually feeding these habits.  Whether it’s being a fridge raider, a chocolate addict, getting angry when driving, feeling out of control when things don’t go your way or feeling rejected when someone says no to spending time with you we all have our own unique ways of responding.

So it’s time to unlearn your learning, it’s much easier than you might think

Much of our learning is ‘unconscious’ we aren’t even aware we have eaten the whole contents of the fridge perhaps until the morning and you wonder who has been in an stolen all the goodies.  We often don’t think before we reply when someone honks us in the traffic, we honk right back a gazillion times , shouting words of abuse if someone angers us only fuels the fire and when we get upset and end up in a flood of tears when those we want to be with can’t be with us for whatever reasons not one of these ways is beneficial for long term health.  The good news is, the triggers we learn to respond in  unhealthy ways can be unlearned.

To become more conscious you simply start to pay more attention to the following:

  • Your mood generally and how you tend to behave when you experience difficult situations
  • The thoughts you say inside your own mind or out loud when life throws it’s curve balls
  • How you feel inside in reaction to the things which upset you (like a bomb about to go off is a great exapmle)
  • Visual triggers which you find upsetting (your husband looking at the TV and not you) 
  • Other people’s tone or tempo of voice which riles you (yeah whatever) 
  • Where you might be deleting, distorting or generalising information
  • Smells and tastes which remind you of happy times (when we are unhappy we often reach for feel god foods that we may have been rewarded with as a child, often sweet things)
  • Your ‘go to’ addiction when you want to cheer up or reward youself (booze, shopping, ice cream etc)
  • Your beliefs about a situation, person or group of people which have you displaying behaviours which you regret afterwards or find yourself attaching to

Thought catching and being aware if how you feel moment to moment will help to bring you back to the present.  Mindless behaviours keep you back from health and wellness, they may also impact finances, relationships, self-esteem, energy levels, mood generally and having the level of success in all life areas.

Do join me in a spot of imagining…

  • Imagine (pretend, see sense and think about) yourself in the future having unlearnt your learning (the bad habits and ways of responding to people, situations and the things which trigger you)
  • How did you do it?  
  • What did you start doing
  • What did you stop doing
  • What are you doing differently now?
  • What advise would your future self say to you right now that will help you unlearn your negative learning?
  • What’s the first thing you can do to help yourself?
  • And the next, and the next and the next? 

Start as you mean to go on…

If you know you’re feeling low, don’t stock your home with the foods and drinks you will only regret eating and drinking.  Make a plan to give yourself some TLC by another means

If you’ve had upsets with friends or family and want to repair relationships arrange a mutual setting free from alcohol where you can talk through what you both want (the outcome you hope for)  Go with the positive intention of building the relationship, talking about what you want, not what you don’t want

If you’re someone who often feels depressed or anxious start taking action by doing more of what brings you a sense of inner calm and happiness.  Bring in a sense of gratitude for what you already have in your life.  Choose actions which lift you, whether it be going for a walk, watching funny movies, spending time with a pet, having a massage any of these things will change the way you feel.

There are so many ways to unlearn your negative learning and this begins with a single thought and a plan of action and before you know it you will have adapted some brand new learning and behaviours which serve you well.

There will come a time when you simply forget what it was you were even trying to unlearn.  Your new behaviours become part of life and living on purpose.

Get into the habit now of changing your habits to those which bring you long term happiness and joy.

From my heart to yous,

With love,

Wendy

If you need any help and support contact me via www.wendyfry.com and we can talk through support options and getting you back on track to learning new ways of thinking and new ways of being.