Category Archives: Freedom

13 Feb

The Risk of Perfectionism

Is it true? Are you a perfectionist?

It’s great to be detail orientated, focused on getting things right and doing a good job though when perfection gets out of hand you either take no risks at all or become obsessed with getting everything perfect.  I know from experience this can be exhausting as well as time consuming and soul destroying.

We often learn in childhood the need to get things right whether it’s mastering the art of learning the alphabet, times tables, having table manners, tying our shoe laces and maybe later going on to ride a bike or swim, in our early years we never stop learning.

Somewhere along the line we may have been told off, disapproved of, made to feel small, wrong or been openly criticised for something we said, did, didn’t do or say.  It’s hard to get things right, let’s be honest and getting them wrong is how we learn except to say we often feel bad or wrong if we make a mistake and this often becomes the driver for wanting to be perfect.

Most of us want to be liked, loved, approved or, accepted and praised and these traits are at the basis of being a perfectionist.  There is a part of us in fear of getting things wrong, worries about looking like a fool or worse still there is a fear we are going to be judged by others.

I admit I used to be a perfectionist.  I had good teachers when it came to this and modelled my behaviours on being a ‘good girl’.  Thing is, for me it got out of hand, I wouldn’t say ‘boo to a goose’, speak up, assert myself or take risks, I didn’t say no to anyone and took on way more work and responsibilities than was my fair share along the way.  I’d pretty much compare it to being ‘locked in.’  Being a real person but not actually being ‘me’ only saying, doing or being the person I thought others wanted me to be.

Well…i’m pleased to say when I woke up from falling asleep and realised being a perfectionist was stopping me from achieving my full potential and that I spent more time worrying about what other people would think than actually taking risks in the direction of my dreams.  I had a word with myself and asked ‘so is this really working for you?’, you can guess the answer…

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I simply unlearnt my learning, I tried new things, fell down a few times and got back up, put on my Superwoman vest and pants and thought what the heck…what’s the worse than can happen – bring it on.

I started placing boundaries about what was okay and not okay for me and I began stretching myself and taking risks.  The good news is I had many successes despite fluffing up a few times.  Even at times when I got tongue tied or didn’t know an answer to things, I simply accepted this was part of my continued learning.  I am now incredibly brave and I love the sense of new found courage and curiosity.

The truth is, you can’t know everything and you can’t please everyone all of the time, so now I’m pleasing myself and have let go of the need to be perfect, liked, loved, accepted or approved of.  I can give those things to myself and so can you.

Walk this way and join me in a spot of unpicking your perfectionism.

I invite you to reflect on your own perfectionist traits and behaviours and how they might limit you:

  • When did you develop the habit of perfectionism, how old were you?
  • Is being a perfectionist now, really as life threatening as it might have seemed when you formed the belief ”I’ve got to be perfect to be loved?”
  • How does having a perfectionist streak work for you or indeed hold you back?
  • What would you have more time for if you stopped focusing on being perfect?
  • Who do you tend to try and please when it comes to being perfect (behaving like a good girl or good boy even if you’re an adult we all still behave this way at times?) 
  • What’ the cost of your perfectionism, what is it stopping you doing now, in the past or in the future?
  • If you were to unlearn your learning what would you do that you’re not currently doing in absence of perfectionism? 
  • What if you and your efforts are good enough just as they are?
  • How will letting go of perfectionism benefit you?
  • What can you do today with abandon which will get you out of your comfort zone enabling you to flex your ‘good enough muscle?’ 
  • In the absence of perfectionism what are you choosing to focus on instead?

I’ll admit that’s a lot of questions though you can’t get them wrong…

Begin today as you mean to go on.  Let the power of vulnerability and learning be greater than the power of fear and perfectionism.

Remember whatever you’re not doing that you’d like to do is on the other side of perfectionism and it sure feels good on the other side…come join me.

Just for fun if you want to watch me letting go of perfectionism you can do so here  on The Well-being Show with Emma-Jane Taylor, now that really was flying by the seat of your pants and my first time on TV.  Like you, I too am learning along the way…

Ready to get the help and support you might need in getting past your past?  You’re welcome to contact me here or alternatively:

www.bepositive.me.uk for general therapy

www.wendyfry.com for love and relationship support

www.mothersanddaughters.solutions for family and mother-daughter relationships and all that they entail

 

 

23 Jan

Wellness or Illness – What’s Your Focus?

Whether you’re reading this in the morning or at the end of your day, I invite you to take a moment and reflect on your thoughts for the day ahead or the thoughts you have had.  Is your anticipated day one of dread, doom and gloom or thinking back over your day has your focus been on wellness or illness?

Wellness isn’t just about physical health, our minds are powerful creators and depending on the direction of our thoughts they can either lift us up or pull us down.   It’s the same for illness.  No one wants to be ill, feel poorly or out of sorts though what we can do is focus on getting well, taking actions to help ourselves by eating the right foods, exercising, getting out in nature and taking our intention to one of healing and wellness.

If for any reason you can’t physically get out to do these things what you can do is to take your mind on an amazing holiday as often as you like until you feel re-charged and energised.  If the Caribbean is your desired location take your mind there right now, notice the blue of the sky, the feel of the warm sand on your feet, the smell of the sea, the taste of salt in your mouth from swimming or resting at the waters edge,  the sound of the waves lapping on the sure…hmmm….bliss wouldn’t you agree.

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It’s true to say many people walk about ‘unconsciously’, meaning they may not even be aware of there thoughts until someone like me comes along and asks…”are your thoughts working for you, yes or no?”  If what you are thinking makes you feel lousy, the good news is you can change your thoughts, after all you are the creator of your thoughts are you not?

In my line of work I get to meet some amazing people who are ready to master their thoughts as well as their lives.  These people have woken up from the unconscious walking around letting their negative thoughts rule them and instead show up ready to unlearn the negative hypnotising they have been doing to themselves.

Words are powerful creators, including the words we say in our heads as well as the ones we speak and share.  Would you really talk to another person the way you do to yourself?

It’s not until we explore our negative thoughts and patterns of behaviour including our thinking do we become enlightened that we have the choice.  We can focus on illness or wellness, it’s really quite simple.

I invite you to make a pact with yourself from today, whenever you find yourself going off on a tangent or thinking about the things that make you feel drained, unhappy, angry, fearful or emotionally upset, change your focus to the thoughts which lift you up.  Give yourself a healthy dose of encouragement, support, reassurance, love and kindness and notice how much better you feel when you turn your thoughts to wellness.

Here to guide you are the key questions from The Spotlight Process.  A unique technique which I have developed to bring your thoughts into balance.

1. Where is my thinking right now? (Past, Present or Future?)

2. What proportion of my thinking is negative?

3. How does it affect me when I focus on the negative?

4. Where is the evidence that what I think will happen will happen?

5. What do I want instead of thinking or feeling this way?

6. Coming from my heart instead of my head what would love do here?

Need a helping hand to further master your thoughts? There is a whole chapter on The Spotlight Process in my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE along with a chapter on EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to support you in finding emotional freedom.

Because I love to give and want you to succeed this guided meditation ‘Negative Memory Release’ will support you in moving forwards towards health and wellness.  It’s the first download you come to when you reach the downloads page, scroll down until you find it.  Enjoy…

So, love your day and love your life by simply changing your thoughts.

Your future self will thank you for it…

From my heart to yours, with love,

Wendy

 

 

 

09 Jan

When Nothing is Certain….

Everything is possible…

So many times different people both friends and clients have said to me ‘what if i can’t?’, my answer is always, ‘what if you can?’

Limits exist only in the mind, what we believe to be true becomes an end result or in some cases no result at all.

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It’s true to say in life there are often many challenges that come at unexpected times and also the events we know will happen with certainty that we have to prepare for.

Here are just a few examples of where people get stuck in their thinking:

  1. It’s impossible
  2. I’m too old
  3. No one will want me
  4. I’m not experienced enough
  5. All my relationships have failed
  6. I keep attracting the wrong types
  7. I don’t have the money
  8. I don’t have the energy
  9. It’s hopeless
  10. I can’t do it

I’m sure you get the picture and perhaps by even reading those few short statements your energy has slumped, you feel defeated, negative, unhappy.  Words are powerful and it’s the words we say to ourselves inwardly and outwardly that contribute to feeling stuck and often if were’re feeling stuck we take no action because we are in a place of fear often trapped in the past and scared it will repeat itself.

So here are my re-frames I offer when I hear the kinds of complaints above:

  1. How do you know?
  2. Compared to whom?
  3. Where is the evidence of this?
  4. What can you do to gain the experience you need?
  5. What have you learnt from these relationships?
  6. If you were to focus on the ‘right types’ what is the right type for you?
  7. What other resources are open to you to achieve what you want?
  8. If you did have the energy what’s the first thing you’d do, how will that one small action benefit you?
  9. What do you want instead of that feeling of hopelessness?
  10. Get rid of the T in can’t and you can

It’s an interesting fact to share…

We are not our thoughts though our thoughts will ultimately take us closer to a desired outcome or further away.

So on that note…

  • What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
  • What will this look like, feel like and sound like to you?
  • Looking back on how you achieved this how did you do it?
  • What advice would your ‘future self’ give you in order to get started?
  • If you were to become your own best friend what would you say to yourself which offers support, encouragement and praise along the way?
  • What’s one thought, action and deed you can take today which will take you closer to your desire?

Remember you can be, do and have anything you set your mind to and when your thinking tells you otherwise tell it to ‘go and do one!’ or something similar.

You are not your thoughts.  You are a magnificent creator and your dreams can be part of your reality and experience.

Begin today acting as if and work backwards…

Happiness, success, love, career progression, whatever it is you want is only ever a thought away

26 Dec

You’ve got to have Faith

Different things inspire me and today in light of the sad news of George Michael passing away it made me think back to my favourite song of George’s, ‘Faith’

I see George as a man who followed his inspirations, his passion and his heart and it got me thinking and wondering about how many of us have faith in ourselves, what we do and what we strive for.

George in a round about way taught me about expressing emotions, singing, dancing and being a warm and loving presence. He was a man who could draw a crowd in a good way. Respected, admired and for many cherished.

Today I am going to ponder on the things I want for my future and the legacy I wish to leave behind.  I invite you to do the same by asking yourself the following questions:

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do that you’re not currently doing?

What is your mission statement when you think about keeping unfailing faith in your abilities to achieve what you want?

What gifts (skills, attributes, words of affirmation etc) can you share with others to help them on their own personal journey’s?

When it comes to the end of your life, how do you want people to remember you?

What is the greatest legacy you can leave behind?  (please be aware a legacy is not always a monetary gain or property)  

Thank you George for inspiring me today in writing this blog post and for being the difference who made a difference.

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”Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark” – Tagore

08 Nov

You Have Your Whole Life Ahead of You

It’s time to write a new chapter….

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Will you spend it living the same day over and over again or will you decide today’s the day I’m taking action?

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If you’re guilty of saying, ”I’ll do it tomorrow, next week, next month or next year,” it’s likely what you intend to do may never come to pass.  I only know this because I’ve been guilty too of delaying the agony of getting started on something and staying in my comfort zone. That is until I’d had enough of telling the same story and decided to get up off my laurels and decided to live my life on purpose.

Ideal circumstances don’t always present themselves to us so in reality we can go blue in the face for the right relationship, the right job, the right day, the right time when in fact if you were to join me and say ‘today is the right day because I say so’ .  Taking this ‘can do’ attitude means you no longer have to sit in the sidelines watching life pass you, wishing, hoping and dreaming things will magically materialise and wondering where the heck all those years went.

Make a start today, decide what it is you want.  Break the actions down into realistic and manageable chunks then, take action, take action, take action and before you know it you’ll be crossing off your to do list and enjoying the benefits of mastering your destiny.  You can even do the happy dance if you are so inclined.

We each have 86,400 seconds in a day, how will you spend your time? Remember time can’t be banked and every day is an opportunity to begin a new chapter.

Live your life on purpose!

Need a hand in getting unstuck?  Contact me here

Time waits for no man or woman.  On your marks, get set, go!

29 Aug

The Best of Friends

When you think of the word friend or friendship who or what comes to mind?

I love using a Thesaurus and found the following meanings in terms of friendship and the components of what we might mutually bring to a relationship with friends.  Reading through how many of these statements resonate with you and the friendships you’re blessed with?

  • accord
  • affection
  • agreement
  • closeness
  • devotion
  • harmony
  • intimacy
  • love
  • rapport
  • understanding
  • affinity
  • amiability
  • company
  • consideration
  • empathy
  • fondness
  • friendliness
  • sodality

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I don’t know about you but I personally have the best of friends and have known many of them for over 35 years, oh boy, that makes me feel a little old though all things considered my friendships have lasted longer than my relationships.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes, nationalities, ages, sexes with common goals and aims or opposing opinions.  I can understand the term ‘friends for life’ as so many of us are blessed with life long friendships from the day we form the friendship until the day we die, so many wonderful experiences can be shared with friends.

I invite you to take a moment today to honour your friendships and acknowledge them in some way, whether it be a call,  meeting up, sending a greeting by social media or indeed sharing this blog post just to say ‘thank you for being my friend.’

It’s often our friends who are there for us in our darkest hours and who are the first to want to celebrate our successes.

So on that note to all my wonderful friends, I love you, thank you for being in my life, you are the best!

 

 

 

22 Aug

EFT isn’t Just for Olympians

If you’re new to EFT you might be wondering what the E, the F and the T stand for.  Never one to disappointment EFT is short for Emotional Freedom Technique or in other words tapping your way to happiness, success and living a joy filled life.

In recent footage of The 2016 Rio Olympics fellow energists, EFT practitioners and those who use EFT were delighted to see what appears to be EFT used by olympian and athlete Brain Taplin preparing for the 400m sprint at the Rio Olympics.  I just love his surname as it has the word ‘tap’ in it.

Now whether Brain was tapping into his inner resources to ‘go faster’, tapping for confidence or tapping away anxiety (I imagine there is a lot of anxiety of you are completing at the olympics) the good news is whatever he was tapping on, he won his race, woo hoo.  Well done Brian and let’s have a shout out for EFT while we’re at it!

You can see Brian tapping on some of the EFT tapping points in this footage from The Guild of Energists right here

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Now EFT isn’t just for olympians, for sure many famous people use EFT as do your everyday housewives, school children, police officers, nurses, teachers, builders, bakers and candlestick makers.  People just like you are enjoying the benefits of improved health, less stress, more contentment and basically having a technique that puts you in control of any situation which may previously have been one for concern.

EFT is easy to pick up and use in the moment or as part of your daily well being routine.

Ready to find out more about EFT tapping :

Karl Dawson offers UK based trainings and has written two amazing books: Matrix Reimprinting Using EFT: Rewrite Your Past, Transform Your Future and Transform Your Beliefs Transform Your Life: EFT Tapping Using  and Matrix Reimprinting

Gary Craig creator of EFT offers a whole host of information here 

Silvia Hartmann and The Guild of Energists provides much research if the area of EFT and energy.

And of course there’s little old me.  If you’re interested in finding out more about this technique and applying it in all areas of your life you can do so here

My testimony to EFT is having more confidence, leaving a day job and now doing the work I love, improved assertiveness, happier relationships, business success oh, and it’s helped me to write two books.  EFT is great for writer’s block or just having the confidence to share your message and get yourself out there.  Find YOU, Find LOVE is my first book which showcases EFT, my second will be out later on this year.  It’s all about conflicting mother-daughter relationships and how to transform the relationship with your mother using EFT.  I will keep you posted on here as to availability when it goes live.

Meanwhile if it’s just getting to work on time, tapping before an important meeting, tapping because you have a growing workload which seem to be multiplying or tapping simply to have a fantastic day EFT sets you free!  Brian Taplin is a classic example of tapping your way to success.

Happy Monday….tap your way to happiness

 

 

15 Aug

Magic Pill

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it.  Action has magic, grace and power in it ~ Johann Wolfgang 

I swear i’d be a millionaire if I had a pound for every time someone has said to me ‘I wish I had a magic pill to make it all better’ .  When have you uttered these words yourself or said something similar when life has got hard and things aren’t going the way you want them to?

It’s all too easy to think about taking a pill, to numb the effects of life, to either get rid of a feeling we don’t like or to bring in one we do like.  As much as it may be the easy option to take a pill (or even wish you had an imaginary one to make it all better) the best way to resolve a problem is to use the power of your thoughts.

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Thoughts are magic and you my dear friend, are the magic maker.  

Once you begin to build on magic thoughts, more magic happens.  You and only you are the thinker. No one thinks you in the same way no one breathes you.

You can in fact re-frame your thinking at any time.  Here’s how.  Think about the worst time in your life when you felt depressed, low, helpless, downtrodden and fed up with life…how do you feel when you think this way?  Did your shoulders hunch over, your breathing slow down, sadness rise into your awareness, a memory of unhappy times coming to the fore?  Your thoughts create how you feel from one moment to the next…

Now just for a moment, look around you what do you see?  What colours are there in your periphery?  Next think about how amazing it is to have the ability to read and how as you sit there your body is working independently for you.  All kinds of things are going on which you may not be aware of.  You’re breathing, digesting, processing and creating all kinds of emotions as you read through my words.

Now this is where the magic happens….

Take your mind to a happy time, a memory of a place you’ve been, perhaps you were with someone whose company you’ve enjoyed or shared special times with.  Think about how happy you felt in the moment, joyous, carefree, confident, excited.  Allow the feeling of happiness to continue flooding through your body as you remember this occasion.

In the same way you can’t think a negative thought and positive thought at the same time, try it. it’s impossible.  What you can do is begin to choose your thoughts wisely.  Thoughts include what you say outwardly in the spoken or written sense and also what you say inwardly (inside your own mind)

You are the magic maker, your thoughts are the magic pill.  You can feel better or worse depending on the quality of your thoughts.

Every experience you go through has an opportunity to be re-framed.  Simply reach for a higher feeling thought and feel your body respond accordingly.

See what magic you can create for yourself today, this week, this month.  Thinking used wisely, is the best medicine of all!

Every day may not be a good day, but there’s something good in every day…

 

 

04 Jul

Missing Events – Making up for lost time

When you think of your past, what was it you wanted you didn’t receive?

Was it the love from another, a promotion, recognition from someone important to you, being included in a group, praise for a job well done or simply feeling accepted for who you are?

Each of us crave different things, often it comes down to the need for love, acceptance, approval or oneness.

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

In my work as a therapist many of my clients talk about the things which happened in their lives which they regret. They tell the story of the disappointments, unfairness, heartbreak, despair and the beliefs they formed about themselves, the world around them and/or other people.

It’s true our past events do affect us until we resolve them but how often do we talk about the missing events and how to heal the past by creating a new way of thinking?

Until I discovered Matrix Reimprinting (you can read more about it here In Karl Dawson and Sasha Allenby’s first book on the subject) Matrix Reimprinting Using EFT: Rewrite Your Past, Transform Your Future, I too had many missing events from my past and many limiting beliefs which were ruining my life.

The beauty of Matrix Reimprinting is you can go back to a time in your past when you formed limiting beliefs such as ‘i’m not good enough’, ‘pretty enough’, ‘slim enough’, ‘worthy enough’, ‘lovable enough’ etc and work with your ECHO (Energetic Consciousness Hologram) otherwise known as your inner child who formed these limiting beliefs.

A little like re-writing a story, working in the matrix gives you the freedom to go back, make up for lost time and say or do what you didn’t say within the  remembered event giving the younger you the power to change your experience of that time.  Although you can’t actually change the past you can go back to the memory of when you formed a limiting belief, learn why you put it in place and clear the energy which remains utilising EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) you can even put in a new ending and take your inner child off in a whole new direction with a fresh and empowering belief which serves you.  There is so much freedom in doing this and life takes on new meaning.

At the age of fifteen, I formed the belief ‘I not lovable’, it was on reflection a misguided belief which came from my father leaving my mother but at the time I took this as a personal rejection, this played out in my life and shaped the outcome of my relationships spanning over 20 years, expecting those I had relationships with to leave or abandon me.  I’ve written about it here in my first book Find YOU Find LOVE.  Which includes EFT to clear the past as well as The Spotlight Process to help you monitor your thoughts, beliefs and how to change them.

Thinking about what it is you want to achieve in your life, what stops you?  

What are the limiting beliefs which get in your way of having loving relationships, the career or promotion you want?

What stops you trying something new?  

Who from your childhood are you still carrying resentment towards?

Which negative emotions do you suffer from the most?

Who or what triggers these emotions?

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself?

What is preventing you from feeling more at peace with yourself? 

What else is holding you back in your life?

What is your ECHO (inner child) holding onto which still hurts you now?

What are the missing events you wish had happened?

If you were able to go back and create a new ending to an old story/event what would you do or say? 

How would changing your beliefs about yourself, others and the world around you benefit you?

I appreciate there are a lot of questions here.  You can learn more about limiting beliefs and how yours may still be influencing your current reality by downloading the free chapter here

I will continue to share in my blog how making up for lost time, using EFT and Matrix Reimprinting putting you back in control of your life.

Being aware of the past is helpful, living there isn’t.

From my heart to yours (and your ECHO) with love

x Wendy

When you’re ready to work with me you can check out your best programme here 

 

 

 

 

16 May

Discover Your Limiting Beliefs

What is a limiting belief?

A limiting belief is a mental block stored in your mind which limits your ability to achieve any goals you may set for yourself. A limiting belief acts as a barrier stopping you from achieving the success you desire and deserve, not only connected with love and relationships but in fact, with many other aspects of your life.

You will unconsciously organise your actions and behaviour depending on your beliefs, your beliefs are guiding principles and maps of how you make sense of the world. Some of your beliefs are not true and are simply thoughts that lead to your learnt behaviour and responses to people and events.

A limiting belief is a repetitive, habitual thought that you may think over and over and over again and it is my intention to guide you to discover what your negative beliefs and blocks to love and relationships might be.

Until you question your limiting beliefs, you may think that they are true and for this reason often your beliefs may come true, your limiting beliefs may act as self fulfilling prophecies even if the thought is undesirable.

Your limiting beliefs create your perception, through self talk and the internal dialogue that you run inside your head. You can talk yourself into doing or not doing something and what you believe influences your behaviour and performance.

You may find yourself staying in the safety of your comfort zone if a belief creates F E A R (False Evidence Appearing Real).

Look carefully and you will see that a limiting belief is nothing more than a thought that you believe to be true. The word ‘beLIEf’ itself includes the word LIE and until we explore our beliefs, perceptions and judgments, we will not be aware of what lies we have been telling ourselves about love and relationships that are no longer helpful to us.

The truth is we get so comfortable with our beliefs

As with judgements, limiting beliefs are nothing but patterns of thoughts. Just because your experiences in the past may have been true, it does not necessarily follow that they will continue to be true. You may find yourself building up walls of protection, trying to keep yourself safe from disappointment and heartache when in fact, it is these very walls that confine you and may stop you from having amazing relationships with yourself and others.

The conversations that you have inside your own mind may build on existing limiting beliefs, as you find yourself replaying the limiting beliefs over and over. Limiting beliefs can affect every part of your life, your work, your well being, your relationships and it is the beliefs we form about love in our early years, which impacts our lives in later years.

The limiting beliefs you have formed may be based on old fears, old hurts or old stories that have no relevance in the present moment. You may be blocked within certain areas of your life because of the beliefs that you are running, these beliefs do not just influence how positive or negative a relationship will be, our limiting beliefs impact all areas of our lives. Those beliefs will collapse the moment that you stop feeding the limiting belief and you can achieve this through the use of EFT and The Spotlight Process.

These processes will be shared in my blogs across the coming weeks ahead.

Limits exist only in your mind!

If waiting to learn more about your limiting beliefs seems like torture you can read more about how to change them here