08 Nov

Your Mind is Amazing!

Your mind is amazing!

It’s a complete storehouse of information that you have gathered throughout your life from birth to now.

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We store information through our senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and through feelings)

Our minds can be compared to enormous filing cabinets or hard drives storing various movies that contain the good, bad and ugly experiences from out pasts.

Just imagine your mind as this enormous warehouse storing your own personal past.

What movies do you have archived away?

Which movies bring up fear, anger, sadness, bitterness and pain, putting you in a state of dis-ease?

These films are like taped conversations playing over in your head or an endless series of thoughts, feelings and emotions moving through you.

Although an event happened in the past we might re-live it a thousand times over by thinking about it, re-experiencing it like it was actually happening all over again.

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• Which personal movies of yours are on constant replay?

• How often do you wake up and go to sleep with an old movie still running?

• How does this affect you emotionally and physically?

• What do you want instead?

These movies often represent a constant flow of negative experiences that we’ve been through (the voice of our inner critic/voice of doom, like a parasite that eats away at us from the inside and a voice we start to believe in and feelings that we think are real).

We replay over and over the same movies and the same story, until story becomes engrained.

The movie or inner story then becomes a default behaviour that we respond to when presented with a situation that is like one we have experienced before and triggers off what we believe to be true.

Most of what we react to has very little to do with a new experience and everything to do with past experiences (old movies)

What a liberation to realise that ‘the voice in my head’ is not who I am. ‘Who am I, then? The One who sees that – Eckhart Tolle

Head F**k

Pardon my language here, though I feel it needs to be said.  What we allow into our minds and what we play over and over really does leave us feeling f**ked at times.

Think back to the past and remember a time when you spent all day worrying over something.  Perhaps you experienced sleepless nights and upset stomach?  Were you, smoking or drinking too much to help you cope?

We are our own worst enemies, re-living arguments from decades ago, complaining about the weather, our partners, the rate of inflation, the youngsters of today, the state of the health service, our fears for the future….I’m exhausted just typing this up and this is what our thoughts can do to us.

We cling onto negative feelings, thoughts and emotions not realising that it’s us that suffers.

We become addicted to talking about all the things wrong with life seldom coming up for air.

  • How often do you feel overwhelmed emotionally?
  • What happens to your physical body when your thought time is filled up with worrying thoughts?
  • What are your energy levels like when your focus is on what’s wrong going wrong for you?
  • What happens to your sleep pattern?
  • How is your daily diet and digestion affected?
  • What do you actually gain by going over and over events from the past, ranting, complaining, moaning and perhaps even nagging?

If you want a happier life, more connected relationships, greater confidence and good health read on.

Unless we gain control over our minds we really will be F****d! 

Remember, you are not your thoughts!

In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first – Jimi hendrix

 

Practical Exercise – Mind Dump: Freeing the mind one thought at a time

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Find yourself a note book or better still a lovely big pad of A4 paper and grab yourself a pen.  You’re literally going to dump out what’s in your mind freehand.

There’s nothing more liberating than setting yourself free from the ‘poop’ from the past that you’ve been holding onto. 

For this mind dump activity, I suggest that you do it first thing in the morning, last thing at night and whenever you feel emotionally overwhelmed.

If you’re dumping a lot that’s good – better out than in!

There’s nothing complicated about the activity you simply write out what’s on your mind un-censored.  Let rip and have a good old rant on paper, really say what you want to say, nothing is banned here, only you will see it.

You may have several topics that you write about such as people or outside circumstances that are causing you stress.

Write about your worries, concerns, fears, doubts, injustices, anxieties, frustrations, uncertainties etc.

Just write what comes into your head and allow yourself the freedom to voice your thoughts.

Write until you can no longer think of what to write.  Get it all out!

The more frequently you do the mind dump exercise the less you will find you have to think about and in turn the less you will have to write.

You will feel better for doing this exercise on a regular basis and feeing your mind.

No one else has had to hear your rants, you haven’t gone into the same story over and over in the day telling everyone you know what you’re going through, making them feel f****d too, you simply write and get it all out freely and easily.

If you need to cry do, get some extra soft tissues and make sure to give yourself some TLC (Tender Loving Care) as you work through freeing your mind.

Things can only get better from here on in.

The primary cause of our unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it –Eckhart Tolle

The Past is Over and You Have Your Whole Life Ahead of You

When we begin to realise that the past is over and it’s purely our thinking keeping it alive, we gain a sense of freedom.

No one ‘thinks us’. 

We wake up and realise that we do in fact have ownership over of the power of our own minds and that we can choose how we react and respond to life’s ups and downs.

If you need some help in finding clarity, support in working through your poop and making the rest of your life the best of your life I will be delighted to work with you please do make contact at info@wendyfry.com

For general therapy & support http://www.bepositive.me.uk

For love and relationship support http://www.wendyfry.com

18 Oct

Why Crying is Good For You…

When was the last time you had a good cry?

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It never ceases to amaze me how someone crying might make others feel uncomfortable. They might rush in saying things like:

  • Don’t cry
  • Pull yourself together
  • Don’t let anyone see you crying
  • It’s weak to cry
  • Don’t get upset

As children we may have been told things like:

  • Don’t be a cry baby
  • Be a big a big boy/girl
  • Grow-up
  • Pansy and other inappropriate name calling
  • You’re pathetic
  • Stop snivelling

It’s not long before we internalise all these negative messages and beliefs about why we shouldn’t cry!

The truth is our bodies are designed to release stress and build up of toxins through the secretion of tears.  It’s actually healthy to cry.

Perhaps you have found a way to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ on your feelings keeping everything in, or maybe you are like me when you are in shock or deeply saddened, you too might shed a bucket load of tears.

If we continually keep emotions in we might find ourselves ‘imploding’ and this continual build up of stress and unexpressed emotions might lead to depression, low mood, sleeplessness, anxiety and a whole host of symptoms where the body tries other ways to release the build up of emotions.

Feeling like we can’t express ourselves in the moment we might also find ourselves exploding in anger and rage at the most inappropriate time.

When you next cry and someone tells you not to, it might be interesting to ask them ”what is it about my tears, that makes you uncomfortable?”

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Your tears, upset and emotions may well evoke in someone else the unresolved emotions they have not released, triggering off their own sadness, loss, grief, anger and the full range of human emotions that we all experience.

There is a lovely scientific study right here if you’re interested in finding out more about the different types of tears and why it’s healthy to release emotional tears.

In my work as a therapist, I have seen grown men, women and children cry.  In our work together, they are given the space and freedom to cry , encouraged to express the emotions that have been held in and allowed to vent what they are feeling.  Often the unresolved emotions go as far back as childhood when they were fist told not to cry.

There are a range of techniques I offer to aid emotional release though right here in this moment, the first step to coming to tems with how you feel is to join me in saying aloud.

  • I give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling
  • It’s okay for me to have these emotions
  • I allow myself to work through what I’m feeling

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Whenever your emotions surface unexpectedly repeat these statements to see you through, grab yourself some soft tissues and allow yourself to cry.

If you need a safe space to work through what you’re feeling, a place where you will be heard and supported I welcome you to make contact.  I offer a range of support programmes to suit your individual needs.

If you need help in coming to terms with love and relationships contact me here 

For general therapeutic support you can find out more here 

Remember crying is good for you. 

As ever, from my heart to yours with love,

X Wendy

21 Sep

Body Talk: Using the power of words to heal

Your body is amazing!

Right now without even having to think about it you are breathing, your blood is pumping round your body, your heart is beating, you may have blinked several times.

Perhaps you are sitting down as you read this, knees bent, back and bottom supported, eyes reading the words and your mind making sense of their meaning.

All without having the think about it!

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On Friday I went in for a minor knee op called an Arthroscopy to ‘trim up’ a damaged cartridge using keyhole surgery.

I’d heard good and bad stories from people about what to expect and with thanks for their input I decided to set my own intention for the op telling myself that I would recover well and be back on my feet in just a few days.

Despite my osteopath telling me I’d be on crutches for 2 weeks, others telling me I’d be in excruciating pain and all sorts of other horror stories about anaesthetic the whole process was smooth running.

While I waited for the op, there were several other woman all worried about having the same procedure, one close to tears and extremely anxious.

So in conversation before they went down for their procedures, I planted some healing word seeds.

  • ”You will be surprised at how quick your body will heal”
  • ”Every day, in every way, you will feel better and better”
  • ”Having this op will bring you so many benefits”
  • ”While you are resting your body repairs itself even while you’re sleeping”
  • ”In less than a few days you’ll be able to move about much more easily than expected”
  • ”Your body is amazing and will adapt well to the changes made”

I was the last one to go down and it was good to see these ladies going off looking and feeling brighter than they did before.

In hypnosis we call this type of pre framing, ‘post hypnotic response‘.  It’s possible using words like this even in a waking state to influence a positive outcome.

Words have power and your body hears everything you think!

Always one to walk my talk, yesterday just a day after the op, I got myself up and walking, gently and sensibly, I did my post surgery exercises, and took a natural supplement for pain relief and inflammation reduction (Turmeric) with lemon water, a natural antiseptic deciding not to go for the prescribed meds.

I’m not quite doing cartwheels at the moment though I know in no time at all I will be back to the level of fitness I was before if not more so.

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My mind is willing and I know my body will follow the post conditioned response.

”Every day in every way I will get better and better”

I’ve realised as I’m approaching that fifty age mark in the not too distant future,  I’ve been a little guilty for taking my body for granted.

So from now on, when I write my daily gratitude journal there will be some credits going in for my amazing body and it’s inner intelligence to heal.

Thank you for joining me over the coming days and weeks ahead in practising gratitude to give thanks to your own amazing body.

Take nothing for granted!

Your body is amazing, it hears every word you speak.  Send it some love, thanks and appreciation for all that it does for you Including the ability to read this blog!

Body Talk: Use the power of your own words to heal!

If you need some help in being more positive about future outcomes please do make contact: http://www.bepositive.me.uk

I look forward to teaching you new ways of thinking, sharing transformational techniques, to release the past and create a future full of renewed confidence, self belief and love!

 

 

 

 

 

17 Aug

It’s time to let go of the things weighing you down!

What are you holding onto that’s weighing you down?

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Choose from the list and feel free to add your own:

Anger |  Unwanted weight |  Grief  |  Hurt  | Physical Pain |  Conflict  | Sadness  | Fear  

Resentment  | Hatred  |  Uncertainty  |  Shame  |  Guilt  |  Anxiety  |  Depression  

Boredom |  Confusion  |  Embarrassment  |  Failure  |  Inadequacy  |  Hopelessness  

Stress  |  Unworthiness  |  Vulnerability  |  Powerlessness  |  Loneliness  | Despair?

The weight of emotion bears heavily on us as does the past if we spend too much time focusing on the negative aspects of time that’s already done!

The past only exists in our minds, a bit like a hard drive, if we keep going to the anger file and re-read all the history of every time we’ve felt angry, chances are just thinking about those events, people who made us angry and situations where we didn’t feel heard, validated, loved or approved of, well it feels like you’re back in the past and experiencing the event all over again.  And we both know that’s no fun!

Why would we do that to ourselves?

A lot of our thought time is wasted in the past.  Once you’ve spent that time, you can’t get it back!

We’d make better use of our time if we focused on what we’ve learned about the past and how to use that information to get clearer about what we do want!

Changing our thought’s always to ‘okay so what do I want?’  Will be thought time well spent and actually makes you feel more hopeful about life.

Being aware of the past is helpful, living there isn’t!

I invite you to have a ‘Mind Dump’, literally dump out all the contents of what you don’t want on this free to download Pdf worksheet and then go right on ahead and turn your don’t wants, to do wants and notice how your enthusiasm, motivation and focus changes when you spend more time thinking about what remains to be achieved.

The example in the Pdf is about love and relationships though you can use this exercise in all areas of your life.

Fill in the don’t wants first, then complete the do wants.

Now to have some fun, tear off the left hand (don’t want column) jump on it, burn it, rip it into little pieces, make a paper air plane of it and set yourself free form the don’t wants, you’ll be glad you did.

Now, you have just one lovely list about what you do want.

Focusing this way changes your energy vibration and you will find yourself attracting all those beautiful do wants to you.

Letting go of the things that hold you back will open new opportunities.  Your thoughts become clearer, your actions more defined and your goals easier to reach.

Watch out for the side effects…letting go of the things holding you back can seriously improve your life! 

Need some help in letting go?  Please contact me and discover for yourself a range of transformational techniques that will get you back on track to living your life with purpose!

Why look back when you can look forwards.

It’s time to let go of what’s been weighing you down! 

From my heart to yours with love

x Wendy

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21 Jun

Fathers and Daughters

It’s Fathers Day today here in the UK.

This just happens to be my favourite picture of my dad and I, back in 1999.

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What does the word father bring up for you?

How will you spend today?  

Will you be celebrating your father, reminiscing over times gone by if your father is no longer with you?

Perhaps it’s a day where you feel nothing at all?

In my work as an Emotional Health, Love & Relationship Consultant I will ask my clients what was their relationship like growing up with their family of origin or caregivers.

Many had happy and idyllic childhoods where they were nurtured, loved, supported and encouraged  by their natural parents.

Some have very specific memories of happy times with their fathers and key moments of connection and love.

Others share with me that they do not even know who their birth father is or were abandoned at an early age.

Many adult children still hold a sense of not belonging and question their identity and wonder if they take after their fathers.

Often there is much anger present and have limiting beliefs of ‘not being good enough’, ‘not being lovable’ or ‘worthy enough’.

These limiting beliefs may continue right through their adult lives leaving a trail of broken and unhappy relationships behind them.

What part of what I’ve shared here so far resonates with your own personal story?

The past has a lot to answer to as does our earliest models about love, loving and being lovable if they do not help us flourish.

For some of the people I have worked with, their fathers have passed away and there is a sense of regret that perhaps they they never spent much time together, or they wish they’d said or done more to show their love.

Many have step-fathers as male role models and have gained an a additional dad or two along the way.

I’ve also worked with children and teenagers that have had lots of different ‘uncles’ in their lives with different rules and an array of demands made on them.

Being a child and learning about love isn’t easy and I know now as an adult that being a father isn’t either.

Having worked through my own limiting beliefs and spent thousands of client hours helping others work through theirs, I see a pattern related to unhelpful comments and experiences in childhood.

As a result I specialise in working with people come to terms with difficult relationships and realising that whatever their past relationship experiences that who they are is so worth loving!

I’m so pleased I had the foresight to save this poem my dad sent in a card on 18th birthday.

It has helped me to understand that sometimes we cannot help who we love and that we do all indeed deserve love.

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My Story

I share my story to let you know that you can use your past experiences to excel and achieve.

The pain of the past need not be used to build up a brick wall of protection in fact your past experiences can be the foundation and the stepping stones for you to reach new heights in your personal and professional life. 

I wouldn’t change my past for a thing as it’s lead me to being who I am and given me the insights into family dynamics and the absolute privilege to work with others who need to understand themselves and how their own perceptions of experiences have shaped their lives.

How I learnt about love…

My dad left our family home when I was twelve, came back and left again when I was fifteen.  It was devastating at the time as my mum was suicidal, we moved house, I changed schools and I gained a new step dad, step mum and a whole extended family by the time I was sixteen.

Now as an adult I understand why my dad left, he simply felt unloved by my mum for many years within their twenty three years together.

It took me such a long time to understand that even though my dad left, he wasn’t rejecting me, he hadn’t stopped loving me and I hadn’t done anything wrong.  It was merely my perception as a teenager which led me to forming beliefs about myself that were untrue.  I ran that pattern of believing I was unlovable right up until my thirties.

Although many years of my life felt painful because of this belief, I now know that perhaps this was the experience I was indeed meant to have for my own self-actualisation.

There is a happy ending and my dad is re married to my now step mum.  He’s very happy and I’d go as far as saying even after thirty plus years being married with her, they are still very much in love.  I’m happy that he’s happy and that’s all we can want for others and for ourselves.

Everyone deserves happiness and even if we don’t understand the why’s and the wherefores at the time, we  begin to learn as adults that our parents were doing the best that they could while in the midst of their own personal challenges.

Whatever your relationship with your father if you feel unhappy in any way about the connection that you did or didn’t have.  It’s never to late to change the past, we simply change the future!

To gain some personal insights into your beliefs , you might like to work through this series of questions.

  • What negative beliefs about yourself are you still holding onto that in some way are connected with your father?
  • How do your beliefs about love and relationships impact your own relationships?
  • How do you limit a potentially good relationship happening because of your past experiences and projected fears? 
  • How would letting go of these beliefs benefit you?

I could write heaps more on the subject of love and relationships though you may prefer to download for free Chapter 3 ‘Beliefs’ from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE

I also offer a service called Future Life Progression where you can connect in a future lifetime with your loved one and say the thinks you didn’t say before their passing.

There is always an opportunity to transform your past and use it to your best advantage!

This picture if from the front of the card my dad sent.

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Learning about love creates personal freedom and who you are is so worth loving.  

Know it, feel it, experience it.  

You are the butterfly, set yourself free form the past and be ready to live life.  

You are the creator of your future and the legacy you leave behind through learning…

As ever, from my heart to yours with love x

Please do make contact for personal support in person in Sutton, Surrey, UK or internationally over Skype info@wendyfry.com | Love and Relationship Support

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05 Jun

External Validation. Why does it leave us wanting MORE?

Do you have the disease to please?  

  • How often do you find yourself seeking validation and approval from others?
  • When do you hand over decision making and why?
  • What stops you from being the sole creator of your future?
  • How does needing approval, acceptance and love from others limit you?

From an early age we learn about how to behave in ways that make others happy.  We begin to understand what actions are and aren’t acceptable.  We realise that if we show up in a certain way, we are accepted.

Often we hand over our identities to be moulded and shaped into what other people want.

Our feelings as children are fragile and we are easily hurt.  It’s in those early years that our disease to please is formed and without realising it may become our only goal.

The need for approval, love and acceptance becomes addictive, the more we get the more we want!

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If we’ve not experienced unconditional love as a child and in adulthood not being loved, accepted and approved of by others when we have a bad mood, PMT (pre-menstrual tension) or forget to put the lid on the toothpaste or the seat down we begin to tread on eggshells.

We fear upsetting others and loosing their love as a result and the disease to please grows and grows.  We hide our real selves for fear of rejection and loss of love.  We put other people’s happiness before our own.

Having rules growing up is both helpful and harmful.

Love for many is conditional.  Rules about how love and relationships ‘should be’ are made and if rules aren’t followed love is withheld.  I see many couples in my work as a therapist behaving in this way.

The truth is we have each have unique relationship experiences.  From parenting, intimate relationships and societal relationships, each of us carries our own blueprint of what we want a relationship to be like.

It’s not until we explore where we learn about love and relationships that we begin to understand some of the old rules and conditions set in childhood are no longer appropriate in adulthood. There is no blame here.  Our parents and caregivers were  no doubt were doing the best they could to raise us in the best of their abilities and knowledge at the time.

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My first book Find YOU, Find LOVE explores our beliefs about love.  In fact you can download the chapter completely free at www.wendyfry.com 

When we understand why we behave the way we do in love relationships life becomes more tolerable.

Exploring why we might believe that we are unlovable, unworthy or inadequate and where those limiting beliefs come from we are able to work through those limits and bring ourselves ever closer to the love and relationships we desire.

Improving the relationship you have with yourself is key to making the rest of your life the best of your life!

Please do check out my website and free love and relationship resources including 21 Steps to LOVE and Standing in the Spotlight of LOVE audio downloads www.wendyfry.com/book/resources 

If you need a gentle guiding hand perhaps you would like to work with me on a programme of support.  I work over Skype internationally and also face to face in Sutton, Surrey UK.   It will be my pleasure to guide you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems.

From my heart to yours,

With Love x

Wendy

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23 May

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Have you ever laid on your back looking at the clouds?

Perhaps you’ve noticed shapes, patterns or even words written across the sky or simply lost track of time as the clouds pass by.

I was reminded yesterday of the phrase ‘every cloud has a silver lining’.  Even when things don’t seem to be going well and we don’t like the situation we are in, some good may come from it, yet to be revealed.

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As well as being an author a bigger part of my work is supporting others as an Emotional Health Consultant.  That may include working with people with physical pain too.

Yesterday my client came to me in physical and emotional pain.

I asked the following questions:

  • What is the gift in this situation?
  • How might this physical pain and injury actually be benefiting you? 
  • Since having this complaint, what have you stopped doing that you never enjoyed anyway?
  • What has this injury moved you away from that you are happy about?
  • What is it moving you towards that you want more of?
  • What is this injury giving you time for?

I ask a lot of open question in my work, some of the questions are frustrating and clients do get angry. They might shout and say ‘why would there be a gift in this, I hate having XYZ’.

Emotional and physical pain can be a touchy subject though asking these questions does bring clarity.

Sometimes a client might not know the answer straight away so I ask them to ponder the questions and either email me with the answers or share their learnings in our next appointment. It’s interesting to find out what their silver lining is.

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This reminds me of another client I worked with some time ago who didn’t like the question ‘what is the gift in this situation’, she shouted at me and rightly so, she was in chronic pain and had been for years with bouts of pain so bad she was debilitated for days on end.

She then emailed me a couple of months later to say I now have the answers to the questions you asked me.

This is a snapshot of what she said:

I’m sorry I shouted at you.  As much as I hated the questions I can now see that my body and the pain I was holding is in fact a gift.

The gift in this situation is my pain has stopped me going to work.  I now know now that I need to leave my stressful job and move away from the people in my workplace not respecting me or my time.  

I realise that a 3 hour commute each day is adding to my stress.  I hate working in London!

 

This pain is benefiting me as it’s actually laid me up in bed and given me time to think about what I want from life.

I want to live by the cost, in a small cottage and get a dog.  I want to be able to go on long walks with my dog and have time to live life and enjoy it. 

Since having this pain I have not been able to drive to see the people I have toxic relationships with.  It’s given me time to realise that I need to create new boundaries with family.  They weren’t respecting me and I wasn’t respecting myself.

This physical pain has helped me understand the emotional pain I’ve been holding onto from past events and given me an opportunity to work with you and get the right kind of help.

I’m pleased to say that this particular  young lady made contact last year to say she had moved to the coast.  Sent a picture of her adorable puppy.  She now has a new job which is walking distance and is living with a partner in a happy and harmonious relationship.

She is fit, active and only on occasional days when she does too much do the symptoms of chronic pain come back.  Se now has all the skills and resources to manage her pain through our work together.

So my questions to you are:

  • What are your silver linings?
  • How is the relationship you are in benefiting you? Or indeed if you are single what is the benefit of that?
  • The job that you do.  What is it stopping you from doing that you might be afraid of?
  • The physical or emotional pain you may be in.  How has this shaped your life and what do you want instead?
  • If you were free from the things that you don’t want and don’t like what might you have to do that scares you?
  • Now you know every cloud has a silver lining what can you do today that will support you in moving past your physical or emotional pain?

I have hundreds and hundreds of insightful questions that will help to bring clarity to your own personal situation.

I can share with you tools and techniques that put you back in control of your life.

If you’d like to work with me check out www.bepositive.me.uk Helping you to help yourself to live your life with purpose!

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