Category Archives: stress

28 Jan

Unlearning Your Learning

It’s true to say we all have habits, patterns of thinking, behaviours and a ways of reacting to life and it’s curve balls which either serve us well or ‘take us down the swanny without a paddle.’

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For those not familiar with this term, we are basically in a boat, oar-less, possibly screaming ‘stop the ride I want to get off’ or either trying to cling on to the nearest, person or thing not really knowing if we will make it or not.

This blog has become a habit for me and one I love because writing for me is a habit and I do love to inspire others with my words and shares.  Just like walking I learned to write a long time ago and both habits have served me well. Though not all habits are healthy and this is why i’m going to share my insights into unlearning your learning.

I’m often inspired to write about real life situations and just yesterday I was talking to a friend and we agreed it’s easy to get into the habit of just having a beer or a glass of wine or two after a long stressful day or even as a reward when your day has been ace.  The ‘wine o’clock or beer o’clock’ glasses come on and you think…’oh, just the one’ and before you know it that small one has become several bottles of beer, a bottle of wine and the six pack Hoola Hoops, the whole bag of mini-cheeses disappear (well they are mini you say to yourself) The box of chocolates you were saving for your aunt’s birthday get munched including the ones which aren’t your favourites and for afters you decide to open the tub of your favourite ice cream, you know the one with the cherries and choc-chip in or maybe it’s the rum and raisin for you.

Hmm…habits have a lot to answer to and so do we because it is us who are actually feeding these habits.  Whether it’s being a fridge raider, a chocolate addict, getting angry when driving, feeling out of control when things don’t go your way or feeling rejected when someone says no to spending time with you we all have our own unique ways of responding.

So it’s time to unlearn your learning, it’s much easier than you might think

Much of our learning is ‘unconscious’ we aren’t even aware we have eaten the whole contents of the fridge perhaps until the morning and you wonder who has been in an stolen all the goodies.  We often don’t think before we reply when someone honks us in the traffic, we honk right back a gazillion times , shouting words of abuse if someone angers us only fuels the fire and when we get upset and end up in a flood of tears when those we want to be with can’t be with us for whatever reasons not one of these ways is beneficial for long term health.  The good news is, the triggers we learn to respond in  unhealthy ways can be unlearned.

To become more conscious you simply start to pay more attention to the following:

  • Your mood generally and how you tend to behave when you experience difficult situations
  • The thoughts you say inside your own mind or out loud when life throws it’s curve balls
  • How you feel inside in reaction to the things which upset you (like a bomb about to go off is a great exapmle)
  • Visual triggers which you find upsetting (your husband looking at the TV and not you) 
  • Other people’s tone or tempo of voice which riles you (yeah whatever) 
  • Where you might be deleting, distorting or generalising information
  • Smells and tastes which remind you of happy times (when we are unhappy we often reach for feel god foods that we may have been rewarded with as a child, often sweet things)
  • Your ‘go to’ addiction when you want to cheer up or reward youself (booze, shopping, ice cream etc)
  • Your beliefs about a situation, person or group of people which have you displaying behaviours which you regret afterwards or find yourself attaching to

Thought catching and being aware if how you feel moment to moment will help to bring you back to the present.  Mindless behaviours keep you back from health and wellness, they may also impact finances, relationships, self-esteem, energy levels, mood generally and having the level of success in all life areas.

Do join me in a spot of imagining…

  • Imagine (pretend, see sense and think about) yourself in the future having unlearnt your learning (the bad habits and ways of responding to people, situations and the things which trigger you)
  • How did you do it?  
  • What did you start doing
  • What did you stop doing
  • What are you doing differently now?
  • What advise would your future self say to you right now that will help you unlearn your negative learning?
  • What’s the first thing you can do to help yourself?
  • And the next, and the next and the next? 

Start as you mean to go on…

If you know you’re feeling low, don’t stock your home with the foods and drinks you will only regret eating and drinking.  Make a plan to give yourself some TLC by another means

If you’ve had upsets with friends or family and want to repair relationships arrange a mutual setting free from alcohol where you can talk through what you both want (the outcome you hope for)  Go with the positive intention of building the relationship, talking about what you want, not what you don’t want

If you’re someone who often feels depressed or anxious start taking action by doing more of what brings you a sense of inner calm and happiness.  Bring in a sense of gratitude for what you already have in your life.  Choose actions which lift you, whether it be going for a walk, watching funny movies, spending time with a pet, having a massage any of these things will change the way you feel.

There are so many ways to unlearn your negative learning and this begins with a single thought and a plan of action and before you know it you will have adapted some brand new learning and behaviours which serve you well.

There will come a time when you simply forget what it was you were even trying to unlearn.  Your new behaviours become part of life and living on purpose.

Get into the habit now of changing your habits to those which bring you long term happiness and joy.

From my heart to yous,

With love,

Wendy

If you need any help and support contact me via www.wendyfry.com and we can talk through support options and getting you back on track to learning new ways of thinking and new ways of being.

 

26 Mar

Slow Down You Move Too Fast

You’ve got to make the morning last…

Just kickin’ up the cobble stones…

Looking for fun and feelin groovy…

I wonder how many of you found yourself singing along with this all time famous Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel song? Feel free to listen in by clicking the link and hum along as you read this week’s blog which is all about slowing down, going inside and finding out about you and what you want.

In recent weeks I’ve become a bit overwhelmed with things.  I wonder if you too can relate to saying yes to other people’s requests when you really mean to say no?

Do you find yourself over committing, saying yes when you mean no, agreeing to do things and then wondering how you can get out of it?

I love to help people, it’s second nature to me to say a big fat YES without stopping to consider, do I have time for this extra thing?  I’ve realised the more I say yes to others, the more I say no to me and this often depletes my energy supply and source of happiness.

So just like Mr Snail here, I slowed down, had a serious word with myself, reflected on what i’ve already committed to, I re-evaluated my goals and also explored what is it about me that says yes before I say no.

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Many of us learn in childhood to put our needs last and to consider other people before we think about what it is we want.  We are told it’s selfish not to do so.  It’s natural as children and as adults too,  to seek the approval of others and to want be accepted and in doing so have this default behaviour of opening our mouths, saying yes and then squirming when you really meant to say no.

In what situations do you find yourself saying yes when you really don’t want to?

  • Work
  • Relationships
  • Family
  • Friends
  • New ventures
  • Neighbours

In my experience ‘The Universe’, will keep throwing the same lessons to you until you learn what it is you need to learn from the situation.  In the case on my own recent yes, yes, yes, I realised this was a very old pattern of mine which needed some serious updating.

Even if you have an underlying fear of upsetting other people, by saying yes it’s only you who suffers.

Saying yes to you doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people, it’s a little like putting the oxygen mask on first, if you aren’t saying yes to you your emotional and physical health may suffer as a result of overstretching yourself.

  • What can you do today to say yes to you?
  • What do you need to start doing, stop doing or do differently  in order to fulfil your dreams?
  • Trace back where you first learned saying yes to you and no to others was wrong.  How old were you and is it still appropriate right now to operate from an outdated belief?
  • How does keeping your early behaviours limit you?

If you can’t say no these options may help you:

  • I have too much on right now
  • Have you asked …if they can help, i’m not able to
  • Thanks for asking me, I appreciate it, it’s not something i can say yes to
  • I’m flattered you’ve asked me, thank you, i’m going to say no as it doesn’t fit in with my plans
  • It sounds like you need some support, have you thought about who else can give this to you as i’m not available 
  • Can you come back to me in a few months time if no one else can help I may be able too once i’ve worked through prior commitments

Saying no, or versions of no might well make you uncomfortable at first, though the more you do it the easier it gets.

I will leave you to ponder:

  • In what areas of your life you might be over stretching yourself?
  • What is the negative aspect of over giving, how does this show up emotionally and physically for you?
  • By saying  yes to things you don’t want to how does this impact your time, energy, health and well-being?

Let your yes be yes and your no be no now 

Say yes to you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

08 Feb

Who Else Wants Emotional Freedom?

There’s a lot to be said about emotional intelligence and I’m sure you have read many self-help books on the subject of emotions and how they impact your life, though what I will be sharing over the next few weeks ahead is a technique called EFT to set you free from the emotions weighing you down.  I will be sharing specifically EFT for love and relationship problems taken from my book Find YOU, Find LOVE:Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT

Find YOU Find LOVE

I will also be talking about EFT Lorraine Whyte from Blog Talk Radio on the 18th February on her show ‘Unlock Your Soul’ I will be sure to share the link to the show with you as soon as I have it. You might like to listen to a previous interview where we talk about self love.

EFT otherwise known as ‘Tapping’ or The Emotional Freedom Technique is becoming more and more and more popular as a way to de-stress, process and release hurtful emotions as well as clearing the way for new beginnings and boosting your confidence.

EFT goes way beyond just thinking and talking about your problems, it’s a practical technique housewives, school children, racing drivers, sports professionals, singers and actors are using to either clear negative feelings or indeed ramp up the positive ones.

Whatever your age, gender, ethnic origin or beliefs EFT belongs to everyone.  We all have unwanted emotions and together we can free ourselves from the things which weigh us down.

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In my book I share the following tools and techniques:

Chapter 1: Get to the Heart of Love and Relationships Using EFT

  • What is The Emotional Freedom Technique?
  • EFT Tapping Points and Process
  • Transform Your Thoughts and Feelings Using EFT
  • Positive EFT

The weekly blogs will outline some of the content to get you started using EFT and even if you are a seasoned practitioner or have been using EFT for some time I will be sharing how to utilise the technique for the area of love and relationships.

The Emotional Freedom Technique 

I really do feel that EFT deserves a drum roll of introduction, appreciation and acknowledgement, as using it may seriously improve your emotional well-being and in turn your relationships and that, wouldn’t you agree, is worth a drum roll or three?

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to be free from unwanted negative emotions or who doesn’t want to improve their love and relationships or their ability to love and be loved.  There is great freedom and personal transformation that comes from using this technique and you will experience that for yourself if you follow the guidelines offered to you.

I’m hopeful that once you have learnt and applied EFT to the areas of your life you wish to work on, EFT will become as regular for you as brushing your teeth.  EFT can be compared to daily brushing to balance energy.  It can be used as ‘first aid’ and applied as and when needed in the moment.  It can also be used for long term healing and will certainly be less painful than a root canal.  When you are able to work on the root of a problem, smaller, related problems will no longer influence you to such a great effect.

EFT has the potential to change your beliefs and in turn transform your life.  You will find your life improving either in subtle ways or with dramatic effect depending on how often you apply the technique.  When you free yourself from past hurts and fears, clearing emotional baggage easily and quickly, you break old patterns and behaviours and open up for yourself a world full of love and opportunity.

EFT and the ripple effect

Many people find that using EFT on one problem, in fact resolves other problems at the same time.  As our energy shifts and changes and begins flowing freely, so our thoughts, feelings and emotions shift and change.  Life starts to look rosy again.

EFT has a ripple effect, just like casting a pebble into a still lake, the ripples of change spread out into all areas of your life.  Every ripple, every thought, every feeling, every word and every action you cast out will create and bring to you amazing life changes.

I use EFT every.  I recommend you, too, use EFT as part of your natural daily health plan to support you in balancing your emotional health and well-being.

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Take a moment to reflect and consider these questions carefully:

  • Do you want to be free from emotional ties to the past?
  • Ready to set yourself free from fear and worry?
  • Looking forward to letting go of emotional baggage weighting you down?
  • Want to feel more hopeful about the future?
  • More confident?
  • More loving?

Then join me in living your life with passion and purpose!

EFT will support you in achieving all these things and more.

Set your diary ahead to follow this blog (it goes live on Monday’s) and all will be revealed over the coming weeks.

Can’t wait to get started in getting to the heart of your love and relationship problems. You can download completely free Chapter 3 from my book ‘Love and Relationship Beliefs’ over at www.wendyfry.com  You will also find some other lovely goodies on the resources page to use at your leisure.

Serious about sorting out your love and relationship problems, take a peek at my services page here  It will be my pleasure to support you in Finding You and Finding LOVE.

18 Jan

PAUSE for Positive Change

We all have the same amount of hours in the day though I know many of you might wish you had more time to either get through your ‘In Tray’, deal with the hundreds of daily emails or simply want more time to connect with your family and friends.

I need to let you know, the secret of success is…Less is more!

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Working yourself into the ground, running on empty and worrying about everything creates stress.

Taking just a few minutes out of your day, brings you back into balance.  Getting you out of your head and into your heart.  By slowing down our thoughts, remembering to breathe and taking a moment to pause, will allow you to de-stress, do more and have time for fun stuff too.

Now is the perfect time to PAUSE and connect with your heart space Any time you find yourself going into your head, pause and use heart centred breathing.

Re-connecting with your heart space will support you in remembering your:

 
Passion

Ability

Uniqueness

Sense of Self

Energy of Love

 
Allow the pause to reach your heart space, breathe deeply and allow yourself to fully connect in love.  Feel that love and connection growing and expanding, filling up not only your physical body with beautiful energy.

Blast out that vibrant energy from your heart out into The Universe.

Create a positive ripple of heart connection across the planet.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to believe that you do great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you will know when you’ve found it – Steve Jobs

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Heart Based Exercise: Making your future the best it can be

I encourage you to reflect on the following points, to make your future the best it can be. Ask yourself:

 
• What do I need to stop doing that holds me back from having a more heart centred connection with myself and others?
• What do I need to start doing to allow my heart to open fully?
• What can I commit to right now that will allow for a more heart centred approach to life and living?
Heart Based Exercise (apply daily as many of these heart centred self care choices as you possible)

I have listed below some activities that will aid you in being more loving to yourself and making time for you to be with you. What can you choose from these examples that will make you feel pampered, cherished and loved and what other ways can you find to love you?

 
Affirmations – starting and ending the day with positive affirmations while connection from your heart will aid towards general well-being creating balance and positive energy flow.

 
Being out in nature – connecting to nature is very restorative and reduces mental fatigue. It is both healing and cleansing, being out in fresh air and green spaces restoring one’s emotional health and physical wellbeing on many different levels.

 
Complementary Therapies – there are some wonderful therapies that may make you feel relaxed and at peace with yourself – for example massage, Reiki, HeartMath Coherence and Reflexology, as well as EFT are all are treatments which aid in the release of built up emotions in the emotional and physical body whilst also easing the mind.

 
Eating well – choosing healthy foods that you enjoy and which are natural and energising are an important part of looking after you and maintaining a healthy heart. Prepare for yourself delicious meals and treats with love and care. Use beautiful china to eat and drink from. Make eating a beautiful ritual where you honour your body and your health.

 

Exercise – Any form of exercise, whether it’s walking, cycling, swimming, aerobics, dancing or using a trampoline will release endorphins (the ‘happy’ hormone) into your body. Laughter Yoga if you haven’t yet discovered it is perfect for a lasting happiness effect. Exercise can make you feel energised, positive and confident and is also great for toning and shaping as well as pumping blood around the heart. Be sure to have some form of exercise in your daily routine and to build up gradually listening to your body at all times.

 

Gratitude – Practising daily gratitude has so many benefits.  Read this wonderful article by Monica Cafferky, freelance journalist  ‘How Writing a Daily Gratitude Diary Changed Our Lives’  I’m pleased to have been interviewed for this article and share with you how the attitude of gratitude changed me life in the Daily Express.

 

Rest and relaxation – down time such as listening to music, reading, taking a nap or making sure you have plenty of sleep when you need it, is a very loving way to look after yourself and your heart.

 

Meditation – You may also find meditation helps you to relax after a busy day or, as part of a daily morning ritual. Check out  Five Minute Meditations by Caroline Maidment which I highly recommend. Meditation lowers the heart rate and boosts immunity feeding the body with nutrients and oxygen.

 

Self care – such as taking luxurious baths with scented oils, candles burning and using wonderful body moisturisers and having a pamper, generally all helps one’s body to feel loved and cared for. Body brushing increases lymphatic flow through the body towards the heart. Choosing carefully the outfit you will wear for the day ahead, how you style your hair and if you wear make-up, taking care to apply and wear the colours that love you are all an important part of you showing yourself love, attention and care.

 

When you are kind and loving towards yourself connecting from your heart you act from a place of self love, it’s possible to expand, connect, amplify, magnetise and bring balance to your life.  Your thought processes change and you may find yourself being more positive about life in general, as you operate more from heart focused awareness.

It is beautiful to express love and even more beautiful to feel it – Dejan Stoganovic

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When you’re ready to take the next step and make your future the best it can be contact me for love and relationship support at www.wendyfry.com or for general therapeutic support at www.bepositive.me.uk email: info@wendyfry.com.

I work over Skype and also in person from my practice in Surrey offering a range of personal support programmes, workshops and VIP Days.

Remember to PAUSE, you’d be surprised what you find in the gap! 

21 Dec

Christmas Frazzle or Christmas Cheer ~ It’s up to you…

Dreading Christmas? 

What’s worse, the thought of endless cooking and washing up or spending time with your ‘Out Law’s

It’s all to easy at this time of year to become frazzled, overwhelmed with doing and little time for being.

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Running round like a headless chicken trying to get the best turkey, stressing out as you stand in queues to pay with feet aching, busting for the toilet and your arms feel like they’re hanging off, it definitely is a case of ‘bah humbug’ and the Christmas spirit far from cheerful.

Often you get what you expect….

If you are anticipating problems getting things done, expecting grief from your in laws, the turkey getting burnt, relatives arguing or worse still fighting, what is this based on?

Often we project the past into the future experting the same thing to happen again and this is what we get.  My previous post Thought Tracking will help with this and aid for a peaceful day.

I invite you to make some you time in amongst the wrapping of presents and trying not to open the sweets you bought for Aunty Joan to have a little mind holiday called…

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‘My Ideal Day’ is a creative way to get you thinking in a more positive and optimistic way from the heart.

It will move you beyond the anticipated  stress of Christmas, to a place where all things are possible, encouraging you to enjoy your day coming from the heart instead of the head.

When you focus on what you want and act as if it is already yours, it is likely to show up much sooner than you think.

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye – H. Jackson, Jr.

On a brand new sheet of paper or in a journal, write a story about how you want your Christmas Day to be. If you don’t have a pen and paper to hand, just think it through as if you were creating an anticipated and very positive movie about how your Christmas day will shape up.

This will be no ordinary day (remember you are putting the past behind you) it will be the story of your ideal Christmas Day and how it will be when everything goes swimmingly- think specifically here about your current relationships and family dynamics and who you would like to get on better with and include that in the main content of your writing.

You will be writing this in the positive, present tense, as if what you want has already come to pass and you are enjoying your life and relationships.

  • What will your day look like?
  • What will be happening?
  • How will you be feeling?
  • What will you hear going on around you?
  • How will you be spending your time?
  • How will you be thinking differently?

Take time to go over your story, making sure it’s complete and then read your story every day in the lead up to Christmas.

By focusing on what you want, rather than what you don’t want and getting into the energy space of the heart and acting as if having the ideal Christmas day.

If you need some extra help in understanding how your beliefs shape your future or you want to get clearer on how you want Christmas day to be.  You can download for free ‘Beliefs’ chapter three, from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE at www.wendyfry.com/book/resources along with ‘The Do Want/Don’t Want’ exercise.

There are also two free audio’s for you to download 21 Steps to LOVE  and Standing in the Spotlight of LOVE

Keep love in your heart.  A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead – Oscar Wilde

Here’s to plenty of Christmas cheer!

From my heart to your with love,

Wendy x 

14 Dec

Thought Tracking

Our thoughts are powerful creators….

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It’s natural to have both positive and negative thoughts, it’s part of life and learning.  Though consider how much of your time and energy is taken up with negative thinking?

Power Exercise – Thought Tracking: Use daily as often as possible through the day

For the next few days, observe how many of your thoughts are critical and in judgemental.  Thoughts that come from the head, rather than the heart.

For every critical thought you have, replace it with an alternative thought until you can respond to yourself or other people and situations in more loving way.

When you are angry at someone it’s you that feels the anger in your body, not them.  When you are frustrated and stressed it’s you that suffers the symptoms of stress.  If there is hatred, this too is experienced physically by YOU, no one else suffers as a result of your thinking, only YOU.

Ask yourself ‘does this thought give me peace or does it give me stress?’

Be aware of the thoughts, always reach for a higher feeling thought to be sure YOU have a great day every day.

Use your thoughts to work for you, not against you and notice what changes when you use the power of your thoughts.

You might like to read though this excerpt from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE, to identify where your thinking may be going into the negative:

Read through and record how many of the automatic negative thoughts you identify with.  In doing so you will become aware of how many of your thoughts are automatic negative thoughts and how these might be limiting the very think you want to achieve.

Automatic Negative Thought Meaning
Mind reading Assume that you know what people are thinking
Fortune telling Predicting the future in a negative way
Judging View yourself/others/events  in terms of good/bad
Labelling Giving global negative meanings about yourself and others
Ignoring the positives Positive things aren’t recognised or seem trivial
Blowing things out of scale Believe that what will happen will be unbearable
Personalising Assume self blame for negative events
Over generalising See a global pattern of negatives based on a single event
‘Should’s’ Seeing people and events as to how you think they ‘should’ be
Negative filtering Focus on the negative, ignoring the positive
Focusing on regrets Focus on the idea that you should have done better in the past
Emotional reasoning Allowing your feelings to guide your perception of reality
‘What if’ thinking Thinking about all the things that could go wrong
All or nothing thinking Black and white thinking/ only good or bad- no in between
Blaming Focusing on others as a source of your negative feelings
Unfair comparisons Focus on others who you perceive are doing better than you
Inability to disconfirm Reject any evidence that might contradict your negative thoughts

It’s time to change your thinking….

No one ‘thinks you’ that is the one thing that you do have control over.  

Use the following twelve steps to bring your thoughts back into balance every time you recognise yourself going into automatic negative thinking about love and relationships.  Copy out these statements and carry with you until the questioning becomes part of your natural thought process to bring yourself back each time you go into a story.

1 Am I confusing thought with fact?
2 Am I predicting the future negatively?
3 Am I jumping to conclusions?
4 Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation?
5 Am I overestimating the chance of disaster?
6 Am I thinking in all or nothing terms?
7 Am I only paying attention to the negative side of things?
8 Am I telling myself I’m not lovable because of things that have happened in my past?
9 Am I focusing on my weaknesses and forgetting my strengths?
10 What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way?
11 Do my negative thoughts help or hinder me?
12 If I bring balance to my thinking, what would love do here?

Our thoughts can create many negative experiences, or many positive experiences; it’s all down to the meaning and the beliefs and perceptions we place on things.

If you need some help in leaving the past behind you, moving beyond limited thinking, working through anger, grief and despair or simply want to manage your emotions take a look at my support programmes and packages.

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy