Tag Archives: Mother

26 Mar

Happy Other Mother’s Day

To all the ‘other mothers’, those special people who find us in our time of need, who love and accept us unconditionally for who we are, I give thanks to you today and every day.

March 26th in the UK is traditionally Mother’s Day.  A day to give thanks to the woman who gave birth to us and to acknowledge her and the gifts she has shared.  It is my hope that you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and enjoy each others company and  mutual love and respect.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have strong bonds with our mothers, for some they do not know of their birth mothers for others they are estranged and in conflict, many are bereft of their mothers in physical form and for some grieving the relationship they hoped for though I think it’s fair to say every woman on the planet has experienced the love of ‘another mother’.

Other mothers are those women who love us unconditionally and accept us for who we are warts and all.  They pick us up in times of need, hold us when we are at our wits end and encourage us to be our best.  They save us from ourselves on the darkest of nights and the hardest of days.  In short these women are amazing, angels in the physical form with hearts of gold who with their presence, for however long they are in our lives enable us to feel loved, valued, appreciated and held dear.

I have been so blessed to experience the love of ‘other mother’s’ throughout my life and I sincerely hope as you are reading this your mind wonders to the beautiful women who have graced your life and helped you on your way.

So whether it’s a step-mother, mother-in-law, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, landlady, teacher, college, therapist, friend, nurse, support worker or indeed a mother figure in spirit let us take a moment collectively together to acknowledge the love of those very special other mothers.

To be loved unconditionally is the greatest gift we can give to each other.  Where there is love there is hope and truth and light..

Thank you, other mothers for your love, your time and care, within me is part of you and your love of which I am ever grateful.

From my heart to yours with love x

Wendy 

 

31 Oct

Meeting Your Mentors

The first mentor I had in my life was my mother. Who she was and how I related to her and her mentoring and mothering have shaped my life. I’m ever grateful for my learnings and the wisdom I have gained through her teachings.

When I say the word ‘Mentor’ who comes to mind for you? Is it your mother or someone else entirely?


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There have been other mentors in my life such as my father, my brother, uncles, aunts, school teachers, neighbours, friends and as i’ve gone through life also mentors who I have esteemed to on a professional level. Pretty much everyone we interact with could be classed as a mentor as we are learning from them (good or bad)

Life is about learning, it’s an experience we can’t avoid until of course we are no longer on this earthly plane. What we take from life and the meanings we place on our experiences creates outcomes and further experiences depending on our beliefs about who we are and what we can achieve.

I’m coming up to the half a century mark (goodness knows where the time has gone) though it’s a great time to stop and reflect on my life and I invite you to do the same:

• Who has made the most positive impact in your life?
• What have you overcome with the help of others?
• Who are you eternally grateful to for the support, love and encouragement they have shown you?
• When in your life have you felt your best and who helped you to achieve this?
• What are the life experiences you have encountered which have made you the person you are today?
• Reflecting on your past who and what are you grateful for?
• Looking towards your future what would your current self say to your future self?
• Thinking about the rest of your life and knowing too, you are your own best mentor. What will you start doing, stop doing and do differently to make the rest of your life the best of your life?

 

We never know what path we will walk when we are born into this world and our experiences can make us or break us. The fact that you are reading this means you are made up of courage, determination, strength and love, oh and stardust! You have the ability to continue ever onwards living your life on purpose and mentoring yourself along the way to check you are on track.

The mentors in our lives help us, support us and encourage us and we too play a big hand in what we choose to do with their guidance. Decide today if you are to be your very own personal mentor what is the first thing you will say to yourself? and the next, and the next and the next? What is the first action you will take? and the next and the next and the next? When you commit to yourself to make your past work for you so much can be gained.

I am ever grateful for the mentors in my life and I have listed them in my next book Mothers and Daughters: The guide to understanding and transforming the relationship with your mother

With loving thanks to my mother Jeanette and father Paul who gave me the gift of life and my brother Colin who taught me how to shape some funky dance moves when the going gets tough.  Massive hugs to my wonderful friends especially ‘THE HOGS’ (Girlfriends with Hearts of Gold) Gill Shaw, Ann Whittaker, Deborah Marshall, Joanna Emmerson, Maaike Vlamm, Lucy Moreton, Lisa Rackham and Caroline Maidment, you are the best!

Special thanks goes to Olive Webb who was like a second mum to me; Olive picked me up many times when I fell down and always with love.  Heartfelt gratitude goes out to Margaret Biggs, Helen Stanbridge, Jane Taylor, Curly Martin, Lexie Bebbington, Anne Jirsch, Sasha Allenby, Monica Cafferky and Sharon King.  To all the people who have caused me pain and discomfort in my life, without the challenges and experiences I had with you, I may never have found the path leading me to do the work I love – so I thank you.

I’ve come a long way because of the people I met and have been blessed by many to receive their help and support as well as their love, encouragement and guidance.  It’s been a gift to have found them, or maybe they found me…

Not always one to blow my own trumpet there’s no time like the present to also recognise I’ve got to where I am through my own determination and I invite you to do the same.

Take a bow, salute yourself and do the happy dance in acknowledgement of just how far you’ve come.  Here’s looking forward to the next half a century and the wonderful mentors and experiences we have yet to discover.

18 Oct

Keeping Mum

Since the 14th Century people have been talking (or rather not talking) about ”keeping mum”.

So what exactly is this blog post about you might wonder…

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Keeping ”mum” can refer to silence and also a mother.

Now, It’s a universal truth we all have had a mother…

As much as you might like to change your mother, transforming your relationship with her and coming to terms with your past, ultimately begins with you.

If you are experiencing familiar emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, blame or shame, please understand that you are not alone in your search for your mother’s approval, acceptance and love and you no longer need to keep ”mum” and keep it all inside.

With no ‘Dummies Guide’ available to help  you make peace with your mother and move on from past pain, I realised the importance of writing an informative and practical self-help guide specifically aimed at daughters to help them find emotional release, gain personal closure and an understanding of how all daughters’ lives are shaped through the mother-daughter experience.

I want you to know, that it is possible to move beyond the pain you feel inside.  It is possible to move on from your disappointments, regrets, feeling that you are unappreciated, unloved and misunderstood.  It is possible to work towards accepting your mother – warts and all and in turn, you will ease the pain of the past and realise you are worth loving.

Each of you reading this will have your own story when it comes to your mother and for mothers reading this, your story about your daughter will be unique to you.  Our personal realities are based on what we each individually experience and the perceptions and beliefs we filter through.

It is my intention to help you to bring balance to your thinking, guiding you to react and respond to your mother in a way which serves you better and by doing so; you will understand and transform your relationship at the deepest level.

What does the word ‘Mother’ mean to you? When I use the term “mum’’ or “mother’’, I refer to your childhood mother, your mother at the time she raised you.  This may also include a step mother, foster or adoptive mother or ‘other mother figure’ that cared for you.

Until your ‘mother stuff’ is understood and healed, the inner and outer conflicts you have or once had remain a burden.  I reach out to you and offer to share the strategies which have helped in my relationship with my own mother and also the wonderfully open women I have had the privilege to work with in my second book Mothers and Daughters: The guide to understanding and transforming the relationship with your mother

Over the coming weeks my blog will feature and introduce some of the topics covered in Mothers and Daughters.  So if you’ve had enough of ”keeping mum”, this blog and my book are a great place to start making the changes which enable you to feel heard, understood, accepted and loved for who you are.

Regardless of your past, you need not let it shape your future, stay with me and I will show you how.

14 Mar

A Mother’s Love

As Mother’s day approaches I know that for many of you this will bring up mixed emotions.

For some there will be love and a feeling of closeness and connection and for others perhaps a sense of loss or disconnect depending on the status of your relationship with your mum.

Both a good friend of mine and my dad lost their mothers when they were children.  I can only imagine how devastating this must have been to have learned of the death at such an early age and a relationship taken away before it was fully able to develop fully into adulthood.

We grieve not only the loss of a person physically, we also we grieve the relationship we never had and would have liked to have had.

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We are all born into the world by a mother.  We may have been planned, unplanned, wanted, unwanted and in some instances as I have found in my work with women there have also been occasions where intimacy has not been consented to, this also resulting in pregnancy.

Some of us may have been fortunate to grow up with mothers and experienced a sense of love, nurture and acceptance.  For others they may have been fostered, adopted or bought up in homes or orphanages.  For some of us, perhaps our grandparents or other family members bought us up and became the figure for a mother in our lives. We also need to consider step mothers too at whatever age they come into our lives as a ‘mother role’.

I’m not a mum so I speak from my own experience and those that my clients haves shared with me and I can only imagine how difficult motherhood can be at times and the range of emotions that go with it.

Many women have shared with me that they loose a ‘sense of self’, personal identity and ‘time to just be’ when they become a mum.  Others report not having the career they wanted or the life they wanted to live because of motherhood.  Many feel that their life is over rather than having a sense that life has just began as they bring new life into the world.

For me there have been times when I’ve turned to other’s for the love, support and acceptance I have needed growing up.  As a teenager I lived with my nan as things were fraught at home.

I feel like a big chunk of my life I have been chasing for a mother’s love that has not been available.  Can you relate to that at all?

There have been times when I’ve wanted to be held, comforted, soothed, listened to, encouraged, loved, cherished and told that I can achieve anything I want to because I am good enough, worthy, lovable, wanted.  For me this hasn’t been provided by the source I was seeking it from (my mother) and at the age of 48 I’ve gained the acceptance that this won’t change now.  Despite a child’s longing inside a grown woman for a love never truly given I’ve seen it for what it is and that’s the relationship we have in the shape that it is, however dysfunctional  that might be.

I now have an understanding that I wasn’t wanted, that my mother’s dreams of going into nursing were not fulfilled because of me, that my mother’s depression and lack of self belief all added to the melting pot of bringing a child into the world in a half hearted way. There is no blame here at all, it is what it is and I accept that children can make our lives better or worse. I do not regret knowing this, in fact it’s made me stronger and more determined in my life.  I am totally able to look after my own needs as an adult and you can too regardless of whether or not you have a mothers love.

Have you ever been told by your mum that she went along with having children as it was someone else’s idea? Have you been told that you weren’t wanted, an accident, a mistake?

How has having that knowledge shaped your life, your sense of self belief, your feeling of worth and love-ability?

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

I’ve worked with many people both male and female who have needed help understanding who they are, why they are here and how they can live their lives without their mothers love.  It’s such a delicate area to work in and it’s such a joy to see those that I support move on beyond feeling worthless and unwanted to gain a greater sense of self acceptance.

As animals we are adaptive creatures, we adapt to our environment and the people in it. I have learnt to adapt and seek nurture and love from different sources.  I have the most amazing friends who I know at the drop of a hat would be there for me in the middle of the night.  I have a love of nature that sooth’s and calms me.  I write a lot which gives me freedom of expression. I engage with others who are supportive of my goals and dreams.  Most of all I have learnt to love myself and to provide for myself the needs that I have.

What can you do for yourself that nurtures you?  Soothes you?  Comforts you? 

The little girl inside me has grown up, she looks through new eyes and knows that regardless of another person’s lack of love that they have their reasons why and that is their stuff, not mine.  That little girl now knows that who she is is lovable, worthy and whole just as she is.

You are that little girl or little boy and I promise you that whatever your past who you are is so worth loving.

Be sure to nurture and love the child inside you, she still exists

Where do you fit in when it comes to a mothers love?

  • Do you/did you have a happy and fulfilling relationship with your mum? 
  • What memories come to mind when you think of your mum.  Are they positive or negative memories?
  • Are you/were you able to be all of who you are with her?
  • Are you/were you loved, accepted and approved of?
  • Do you/did you feel heard, understood and respected in your relationship with her?
  • How often do you see or speak to your mum.  How do those conversations and meetings leave you feeling?
  • What would you change if you could  change anything in your relationship with you mum, past or present?
  • What have you been seeking that you have not found in your relationship with you mum?
  • Can you provide what you want/wanted from her for yourself and meet your own needs?
  • If you gave to yourself all of the love, approval and acceptance you have been seeking what would change?

Love is a funny thing and as adults we still seek our unmet needs from childhood, operating from the younger part of ourselves searching until we find what it is we want, often outside of ourselves and projecting those unmet needs onto others to fulfil.

When you understand the dynamics you have in relationships, not just with your mothers but other people too, you gain an understanding that regardless of how other people treat you that this is about them and not about you.

When you are able to meet your own needs and provide to yourself everything you need, if a relationship ends or is not fulfilling you as you wish it to,  you are still whole and complete, nothing is taken away from you because you have inside everything you will ever need.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  An opportunity to nurture yourself with tender loving care.

Today is gift.  Look forward to the future and create a life for yourself worth living.  

Look inside yourself for what you desire externally and you might surprise yourself that you have everything inside yourself that you will ever need.

If you ever wondered whether there was a limit pg 177

If you would like to talk over your own experience of difficult love relationships then please do make contact.  I specialise in working with women and children, helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems. I work in person and also over Skype.

Find YOU, Find LOVE workshops are available monthly in Sutton, Surrey.  For dates and content of the workshop to get you back on track to finding you and finding love go to http://www.eventbrite.co.uk/o/wendy-fry-7394420133

My first book Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT is available on amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460 

Visit www.wendyfry.com to download some free resources from the book alongside two audio downloads 21 Steps to Love and Standing in the Spotlight of Love

From my heart to yours with love

x Wendy

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