Tag Archives: Moving on from the past

13 Feb

The Risk of Perfectionism

Is it true? Are you a perfectionist?

It’s great to be detail orientated, focused on getting things right and doing a good job though when perfection gets out of hand you either take no risks at all or become obsessed with getting everything perfect.  I know from experience this can be exhausting as well as time consuming and soul destroying.

We often learn in childhood the need to get things right whether it’s mastering the art of learning the alphabet, times tables, having table manners, tying our shoe laces and maybe later going on to ride a bike or swim, in our early years we never stop learning.

Somewhere along the line we may have been told off, disapproved of, made to feel small, wrong or been openly criticised for something we said, did, didn’t do or say.  It’s hard to get things right, let’s be honest and getting them wrong is how we learn except to say we often feel bad or wrong if we make a mistake and this often becomes the driver for wanting to be perfect.

Most of us want to be liked, loved, approved or, accepted and praised and these traits are at the basis of being a perfectionist.  There is a part of us in fear of getting things wrong, worries about looking like a fool or worse still there is a fear we are going to be judged by others.

I admit I used to be a perfectionist.  I had good teachers when it came to this and modelled my behaviours on being a ‘good girl’.  Thing is, for me it got out of hand, I wouldn’t say ‘boo to a goose’, speak up, assert myself or take risks, I didn’t say no to anyone and took on way more work and responsibilities than was my fair share along the way.  I’d pretty much compare it to being ‘locked in.’  Being a real person but not actually being ‘me’ only saying, doing or being the person I thought others wanted me to be.

Well…i’m pleased to say when I woke up from falling asleep and realised being a perfectionist was stopping me from achieving my full potential and that I spent more time worrying about what other people would think than actually taking risks in the direction of my dreams.  I had a word with myself and asked ‘so is this really working for you?’, you can guess the answer…

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I simply unlearnt my learning, I tried new things, fell down a few times and got back up, put on my Superwoman vest and pants and thought what the heck…what’s the worse than can happen – bring it on.

I started placing boundaries about what was okay and not okay for me and I began stretching myself and taking risks.  The good news is I had many successes despite fluffing up a few times.  Even at times when I got tongue tied or didn’t know an answer to things, I simply accepted this was part of my continued learning.  I am now incredibly brave and I love the sense of new found courage and curiosity.

The truth is, you can’t know everything and you can’t please everyone all of the time, so now I’m pleasing myself and have let go of the need to be perfect, liked, loved, accepted or approved of.  I can give those things to myself and so can you.

Walk this way and join me in a spot of unpicking your perfectionism.

I invite you to reflect on your own perfectionist traits and behaviours and how they might limit you:

  • When did you develop the habit of perfectionism, how old were you?
  • Is being a perfectionist now, really as life threatening as it might have seemed when you formed the belief ”I’ve got to be perfect to be loved?”
  • How does having a perfectionist streak work for you or indeed hold you back?
  • What would you have more time for if you stopped focusing on being perfect?
  • Who do you tend to try and please when it comes to being perfect (behaving like a good girl or good boy even if you’re an adult we all still behave this way at times?) 
  • What’ the cost of your perfectionism, what is it stopping you doing now, in the past or in the future?
  • If you were to unlearn your learning what would you do that you’re not currently doing in absence of perfectionism? 
  • What if you and your efforts are good enough just as they are?
  • How will letting go of perfectionism benefit you?
  • What can you do today with abandon which will get you out of your comfort zone enabling you to flex your ‘good enough muscle?’ 
  • In the absence of perfectionism what are you choosing to focus on instead?

I’ll admit that’s a lot of questions though you can’t get them wrong…

Begin today as you mean to go on.  Let the power of vulnerability and learning be greater than the power of fear and perfectionism.

Remember whatever you’re not doing that you’d like to do is on the other side of perfectionism and it sure feels good on the other side…come join me.

Just for fun if you want to watch me letting go of perfectionism you can do so here  on The Well-being Show with Emma-Jane Taylor, now that really was flying by the seat of your pants and my first time on TV.  Like you, I too am learning along the way…

Ready to get the help and support you might need in getting past your past?  You’re welcome to contact me here or alternatively:

www.bepositive.me.uk for general therapy

www.wendyfry.com for love and relationship support

www.mothersanddaughters.solutions for family and mother-daughter relationships and all that they entail

 

 

03 Jan

Mirror, Mirror…..

Life is but a reflection of our beliefs, hopes and fears. What we say to ourselves inside our own minds and outwardly does indeed influence our futures. What we think we can or can’t do eventually comes to pass.

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Not so many years ago I had a dream; I left my day job and perused a career which in actual fact is a vocation, a joy, a way of being. Many told me to get a ‘proper job’ or even a part time job to tide me over. Some said ‘it’s too risky’, others ‘too competitive’, others simply rolled their eyes and thought I’d lost the plot.

The truth is I had faith in myself from day one that I could achieve my dreams. I didn’t sit back waiting for the dream to happen. I took action, invested in myself, re-trained, read what seems like a million books, prioritised my life, cut out the things I didn’t need, I budgeted, planned, took more action and you know what happened ‘The Universe’ if you believe in such a thing/place/energy saw what I was doing, it listened to my thoughts, it felt my vibration of acting as if this dream had already come to pass and sent a truck load of opportunities my way. Needless to say I had quite a few celebrations along the way.

There are not many who can honestly say they are living a happy life though for me, my life is incredibly happy. Every day I get to do the work I love working with people who also want to live their dreams. Looking back I have achieved so much and you can too.

Begin today by bringing your thinking and feelings into balance. Are you really living the life you want or do you want something different? If it’s the latter, start imagining what it will feel like when you are beyond the goal achievement, when you’ve reached a point in your life when even more beautiful experiences have come to pass because you took action towards your dreams.

Your thoughts become things; begin today by reaching for the higher feeling thought until you can actually feel the joy of living the life you want. You only have to think it and to feel it for it to become a reality. Everything else is part of the ride of discovering your fullest potential.

Begin today and notice what you are reflecting out to the world, if you don’t like the refection, change it. You are the master of your thoughts and your destiny.
Ready to make even deeper lasting change find out how right here

30 Dec

End of Year Reflections

I invite you to use this end of year reflection exercise taking stock of your year so far. The lessons that you’ve learnt about yourself, other people and the world around you.

There may have been some painful parts to 2016, though with learning often the unpleasant situations are our greatest gifts and create positive change and new beginnings in our lives.

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You might like to copy out the questions in a journal and work through them one by one.

2016 Reflections 

• Reflecting back on 2016, what happened month by month?
• What did you really love about 2016?
• What were your magic and special moments?
• What made you smile?
• What made you cry?
• What happened in 2016 that you would rather not go through again?
• What experiences have you been through that you did not enjoy and what did you learn from those experiences?
• What do you need to change? What do you need to start doing, stop doing or do differently? (This can be related to how you spend your time, who you spend time with, your health, and your income, your sense of self, your relationships and any other aspect of your life)
• What important lessons did you learn about yourself; people in general, your body, your work, your family, your relationships, your sense of fulfilment and accomplishment?
• What do you want for 2017? (Answer in the positive tense-no don’t wants’ allowed!)
• What are you committed to achieving?
• What is the most important skill that you want to either further develop or master within yourself?
• What changes and actions are you committed to making in your life?
• What do you need to do in 2017 to get you to be where you want to be?
• If 2016 was a tough year for you so far, how can you use your learning to your best advantage to make next year even better?
• What are you committed to?
• What can you achieve in the next twelve months with focused attention?
• Who were you when you started 2016 and who are you now?
• Who are you becoming?
• What else is possible for you?
I hope that you enjoy completing your end of year reflections. After working through you might like to reread and write up separately your goals and action steps to make 2017 your best year yet!

Set your goals high and don’t stop till you get there! – Bo Jackson

18 Dec

Staying Sane at Christmas

Christmas for many can be a happy occasion but for others it’s a stressful time of year.

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The classic saying ‘let bygones be bygones’ is often easier said than done.

If your thoughts are on all the things that could go wrong over the festive season guaranteed having the expectation will bring more of the same.

The thing is – you don’t have to do what you’ve always done, you don’t have to think how you’re always thought and you don’t have to act and behave in ways which aren’t helpful to you or anyone else.

It’s natural that we may want to protect ourselves from criticism, the judgement of others, expected arguments and the continuation of a family feud but in reality it can be so different.

Just one small change needs to be made and that change begins with you.

Instead of thinking about what you don’t want, focus on the most positive outcome possible then hold the vision and trust the process that this too will come to pass.

The Spotlight Process will help you to stay sane at Christmas enormously.

You might like to copy out and carry around these questions until they become familiar in your thought pattern.  Instead of responding in the old way, begin afresh by exploring the meaning and beliefs you are placing on an event, experience or in relation to the person you are in conflict with.

1. Where is my thinking right now? (Past, Present or Future?)

2. What proportion of my thinking is negative?

3. How does it affect me when I focus on the negative?

4. Where is the evidence that what I think will happen will happen?

5. What do I want instead of thinking or feeling this way?

6. Coming from my heart instead of my head what would love do here?

Ready to know more about The Spotlight Process and how embracing and applying this process in your life not just at Christmas will change your reality, simply follow this link which will take you to my first book ‘Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT.

Here’s to staying sane at Christmas,

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy

15 Nov

Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

What is it you want to change?

Making change and setting new boundaries begins with you.  As much as you might want your significant other, mother, co-worker, best friend or neighbour to change, you will find it far easier to make the change begin with you.  It might mean you have to step out of your comfort zone, be assertive, feel uncomfortable for a while and face your fears but without making the change to make new choices, nothing will change.

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Reflect on these questions first before reading The 10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to stop doing?
•  What would you like ‘insert the name of the person here’ to start doing?
•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to do differently?

 
•  What are you willing to stop doing?
•  What are you able to start doing?
•  What can you do differently to improve your relationship?

In relationships, until we can speak up and communicate our needs clearly, assertively and respectfully, the problems, challenges and the behaviours of those we have relationships with, remain the same.  When we change the way we communicate consistently, there is every possibility those around us will be influenced by the change and mirror back to us the positive communication.

10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

1. Speak from the ‘I’. (‘‘I would like you to listen to what I’m about to say. I would like to make some positive changes in our relationship. I feel we would benefit from putting the past behind us. It would mean so much to me if you are able to hear what I’ve communicated and consider my requests, thank you for considering this’’) Saying thank you at the end of a statement like this voices the assumption that the other person will listen and acknowledge your proposal.

2. Keep communications in the positive and future tense (‘‘What I would like is for us to do is XYZ.  I believe we would both benefit from this change’’)

3. Clearly identify your boundary. Spend time figuring out what you want before you voice your limits (Do you need your neighbour, friend, your mother to stop turning up unannounced or calling you when you’re in the middle of preparing an evening meal. Would you prefer them to call round at a specific time when you are both free?)

4. Understand why you need a boundary. What’s your motivation and reason for setting this boundary? (If it’s not convenient for your neighbour, mother or friend to turn up or call without notice, let her know you will have undivided time them if you can call at 8pm for 30 minutes once the children are in bed)

5. Make your communications clear. Be direct and assertive in your conversation (If you fear conflict or confrontation you may not say exactly what you mean, which leaves room for confusion or doubt). It might spare the person you are in conflict with feelings if you aren’t direct and to the point but how will you feel? What is the cost if you do nothing to make this change, who suffers?)

6. Don’t give long explanations or apologise (Setting boundaries isn’t something you need to say sorry for and it doesn’t have to be a long drawn out process. Short, sharp and clear communications works best.  If someone is demanding of your time when it’s inconvenient you have to let them know e.g. (‘‘I would like weekends to myself, I need more time to study, thank you for understanding this. I look forward to meeting you on Wednesday afternoons to catch up’’)

7. Remain calm and polite (Boundaries are best set outside of an argument, getting into dialogue about making change in the heat of the moment when both of you are angry, neither person can really hear the other. Keep your anger in check and leave all sarcasm and condescending tone out of your communications)

8. Start with firm boundaries (It’s easier to loosen a tight boundary after it’s been set rather than trying to tighten a weak boundary.  If your mother or mother in law is interfering and trying to reorganise your home, e.g., ‘‘I’d prefer it if you don’t come into my home when I’m not there. I want the way I’ve left my home to stay the same, I like it how it is.’’ It’s easier at a later date to invite her to take a mini-break in your home while you are away, on the condition she leaves things as they are, or to pop round an hour before you get home if she wants to watch something not available on her own TV package). Don’t overextend yourself or try and ‘people please’ or agree to commitments you will later have to cancel or do begrudgingly. Get clear from the start.

9. Address any breaking of boundaries early on. As soon as a boundary is broken, reset it. Remind the person concerned of your boundary. (‘‘You may have forgotten , I need the weekends to myself study, I can see you on Wednesday afternoons instead’’)

10. Don’t make it personal. Rather than tell the person you are in conflict with everything you think about them being inconsiderate of your time, your appointments and plans it is far easier to be direct. eg (‘‘I’m happy to pick you up and take you to Maggie’s, but you will need to be ready at 10 a.m’’)

It’s possible the person you wish to set boundaries with won’t welcome these changes though in order for your relationship to improve, it’s important to end the struggles you each have within your relationship and find new solutions to old problems.  All it takes is one person to change and this change begins with you.

Stand up for what you want in life, agree to disagree if need be.  If you don’t you are living someone elses life on their terms, not yours, and that’s not really living life at all.

If you’re in need of further support in setting healthy personal boundaries please do make contact at
www.wendyfry.com to discuss best support options.

18 Oct

Keeping Mum

Since the 14th Century people have been talking (or rather not talking) about ”keeping mum”.

So what exactly is this blog post about you might wonder…

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Keeping ”mum” can refer to silence and also a mother.

Now, It’s a universal truth we all have had a mother…

As much as you might like to change your mother, transforming your relationship with her and coming to terms with your past, ultimately begins with you.

If you are experiencing familiar emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, blame or shame, please understand that you are not alone in your search for your mother’s approval, acceptance and love and you no longer need to keep ”mum” and keep it all inside.

With no ‘Dummies Guide’ available to help  you make peace with your mother and move on from past pain, I realised the importance of writing an informative and practical self-help guide specifically aimed at daughters to help them find emotional release, gain personal closure and an understanding of how all daughters’ lives are shaped through the mother-daughter experience.

I want you to know, that it is possible to move beyond the pain you feel inside.  It is possible to move on from your disappointments, regrets, feeling that you are unappreciated, unloved and misunderstood.  It is possible to work towards accepting your mother – warts and all and in turn, you will ease the pain of the past and realise you are worth loving.

Each of you reading this will have your own story when it comes to your mother and for mothers reading this, your story about your daughter will be unique to you.  Our personal realities are based on what we each individually experience and the perceptions and beliefs we filter through.

It is my intention to help you to bring balance to your thinking, guiding you to react and respond to your mother in a way which serves you better and by doing so; you will understand and transform your relationship at the deepest level.

What does the word ‘Mother’ mean to you? When I use the term “mum’’ or “mother’’, I refer to your childhood mother, your mother at the time she raised you.  This may also include a step mother, foster or adoptive mother or ‘other mother figure’ that cared for you.

Until your ‘mother stuff’ is understood and healed, the inner and outer conflicts you have or once had remain a burden.  I reach out to you and offer to share the strategies which have helped in my relationship with my own mother and also the wonderfully open women I have had the privilege to work with in my second book Mothers and Daughters: The guide to understanding and transforming the relationship with your mother

Over the coming weeks my blog will feature and introduce some of the topics covered in Mothers and Daughters.  So if you’ve had enough of ”keeping mum”, this blog and my book are a great place to start making the changes which enable you to feel heard, understood, accepted and loved for who you are.

Regardless of your past, you need not let it shape your future, stay with me and I will show you how.

04 Jul

Missing Events – Making up for lost time

When you think of your past, what was it you wanted you didn’t receive?

Was it the love from another, a promotion, recognition from someone important to you, being included in a group, praise for a job well done or simply feeling accepted for who you are?

Each of us crave different things, often it comes down to the need for love, acceptance, approval or oneness.

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

In my work as a therapist many of my clients talk about the things which happened in their lives which they regret. They tell the story of the disappointments, unfairness, heartbreak, despair and the beliefs they formed about themselves, the world around them and/or other people.

It’s true our past events do affect us until we resolve them but how often do we talk about the missing events and how to heal the past by creating a new way of thinking?

Until I discovered Matrix Reimprinting (you can read more about it here In Karl Dawson and Sasha Allenby’s first book on the subject) Matrix Reimprinting Using EFT: Rewrite Your Past, Transform Your Future, I too had many missing events from my past and many limiting beliefs which were ruining my life.

The beauty of Matrix Reimprinting is you can go back to a time in your past when you formed limiting beliefs such as ‘i’m not good enough’, ‘pretty enough’, ‘slim enough’, ‘worthy enough’, ‘lovable enough’ etc and work with your ECHO (Energetic Consciousness Hologram) otherwise known as your inner child who formed these limiting beliefs.

A little like re-writing a story, working in the matrix gives you the freedom to go back, make up for lost time and say or do what you didn’t say within the  remembered event giving the younger you the power to change your experience of that time.  Although you can’t actually change the past you can go back to the memory of when you formed a limiting belief, learn why you put it in place and clear the energy which remains utilising EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) you can even put in a new ending and take your inner child off in a whole new direction with a fresh and empowering belief which serves you.  There is so much freedom in doing this and life takes on new meaning.

At the age of fifteen, I formed the belief ‘I not lovable’, it was on reflection a misguided belief which came from my father leaving my mother but at the time I took this as a personal rejection, this played out in my life and shaped the outcome of my relationships spanning over 20 years, expecting those I had relationships with to leave or abandon me.  I’ve written about it here in my first book Find YOU Find LOVE.  Which includes EFT to clear the past as well as The Spotlight Process to help you monitor your thoughts, beliefs and how to change them.

Thinking about what it is you want to achieve in your life, what stops you?  

What are the limiting beliefs which get in your way of having loving relationships, the career or promotion you want?

What stops you trying something new?  

Who from your childhood are you still carrying resentment towards?

Which negative emotions do you suffer from the most?

Who or what triggers these emotions?

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself?

What is preventing you from feeling more at peace with yourself? 

What else is holding you back in your life?

What is your ECHO (inner child) holding onto which still hurts you now?

What are the missing events you wish had happened?

If you were able to go back and create a new ending to an old story/event what would you do or say? 

How would changing your beliefs about yourself, others and the world around you benefit you?

I appreciate there are a lot of questions here.  You can learn more about limiting beliefs and how yours may still be influencing your current reality by downloading the free chapter here

I will continue to share in my blog how making up for lost time, using EFT and Matrix Reimprinting putting you back in control of your life.

Being aware of the past is helpful, living there isn’t.

From my heart to yours (and your ECHO) with love

x Wendy

When you’re ready to work with me you can check out your best programme here 

 

 

 

 

20 Jun

What’s blocking you from love?

It is crucial to ask yourself whether there is any benefit in keeping hold of limiting beliefs about love and relationships.

So far we’ve discussed:

Love and relationship beliefs ~

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

It might seem like an odd question to ask but how do you benefit from holding on to your limiting beliefs?

We often hold onto something that may limit us as it has a ‘pay off’ or secondary gain, a benefit of some sort.  We may do this unconsciously without even realising it.   More often than not, the things we say we don’t want and don’t like are things familiar to us.  The feeling of familiarity and staying in our comfort zones can be appealing, even if we say we don’t like it, it’s known and in many ways feels ‘safe’.

It’s time to stop shining the light on the past, because that’s not where the future is

Think about the problem or limiting belief that you would like to change.  Measure the percentage of each belief and how true it is for you 0% being untrue and 100% being totally true for you.

  • Do I deserve to get over this problem?
  • Is it good for me to get over this problem?
  • Is it safe for me to get over this problem?
  • Is it safe for others if I get over this problem?
  • Is it possible for me to overcome this problem?
  • Can I choose to allow myself to get over this problem?

If your answers are anything less than 100% you might want to have a word with yourself, reflecting on the following questions

  • Am I willing to do what it takes to get over this problem?
  • What are the negative aspects of no longer having this problem?
  • What would I lose if you didn’t have this problem?
  • What are the positive aspects of not having this problem?
  • What needs to happen for me to end this situation?
  • What resources do I have or need to end this situation?

Changing beliefs need not be difficult.  The first step towards changing our limiting beliefs is with awareness

There are many tools and techniques available to support you in changing beliefs.  Martix reimprinting utilising EFT and The Spotlight Process are two of my preferred techniques to aid in belief change. You can find out more here

To check in further and to gauge if there are any resistances to changing your beliefs, current problems and challenges ponder on the following questions and answer with a yes or no.

  • I deserve to get over this problem
  • It is safe for me/others to get over this problem
  • I am willing to do what it takes to get over this problem
  • I will allow myself to get over this problem
  • I am ready to get over this problem
  • It is good for me to get over this problem
  • It is possible for me to overcome this problem
  • I benefit from getting over this problem
  • Others benefit from me getting over this problem
  • I have what it takes to get over this problem
  • I choose to get over this problem
  • I want to get over this problem

If you answer mostly no’s please do make contact and let’s work together to change those limiting beliefs.  Alternatively you can always explore my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE to get you back on track.

You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new – Brian Tracey

05 Jun

What is it you believe?

In recent weeks we’ve discussed:

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

This week’s blog gives you an opportunity to get clear on what it is you believe.

Insightful Questions

Read through the following questions and notice your responses. You might be surprised at how unkind the thoughts you have about yourself really are.

• How many of your thoughts about yourself are critical, blaming, bullying, shaming, ugly, unloving, downright rude and uncaring?

• What do you say to yourself on a regular basis that’s damaging and unkind?

• How often do you project into the future the idea that love and relationships are pointless, that you’re not good enough, slim enough, tall enough, worthy enough, attractive enough, smart enough?

• Would you talk to a best friend or a child the way you talk to and criticise yourself?

• Would you tell that person that they will never amount to anything, that they are useless, unlovable, worthless, stupid, ugly, shameful, inadequate, and pitying?

Chances are, you would not say these things or others like them to another person and so it’s time to stop speaking about yourself in a limiting way. It’s time to stop the war against yourself, it’s time to stop rejecting yourself, time to stop replaying the past, time to stop beating yourself up and playing small and time to get rid of the voice from the past.

Thought Power

It’s time to start loving yourself and giving yourself the time, attention love and care that you deserve. It’s time to listen to and meet your own needs by yourself for yourself.

Our main problems and limiting beliefs, come from the perception of our level of success, love, belonging, self worth, control, security, reality and reason. Getting really honest with yourself about the core beliefs that you may be running like a film or story in your mind, is a very important step in change work. Once we realise that a lot of the stories and movies that we play in our minds are outdated and unhelpful, we know what areas to work on.

Be aware that some core beliefs come from our conditioning whilst growing up. There is no blame here on our caregivers, we were very young when we formed our core beliefs and at the time, these beliefs seemed to be appropriate for us. Core beliefs may be formed based on the following conditions:

• Fear associated with rejection/not being lovable, worthy or approved of

• Fear associated with not meeting expectations, being good enough, adequate, recognised

• Fear associated with criticism, judgement, being made wrong, being told off, being compared

• Fear associated with people giving you attention, unwanted attention, smothering, feeling singled out, harassed, embarrassed

Core beliefs can be likened to a table. At the top of the table is the limiting core belief. This is held up by the table legs which are formed from family conditioning, societal conditioning, emotional events, upset and trauma. Your core beliefs may also have many other beliefs underlying them supporting the core belief.

Remember, there is never any blame. Whatever you discover that shaped your beliefs (if you felt unloved, unimportant, ignored or rejected by a parent or significant other) it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you, it was purely the meaning and belief you placed on an event or series of events and experiences with the knowledge that you had at the time.

We forget as adults that many of the beliefs we formed in childhood are outdated, destructive and are often completely wrong. Working through and having an awareness of the memories that you would like transformed is the start to the road of finding you and finding love.

Joking aside, I would like to remind you of some old, outdated, beliefs that you may have moved on from already:

• Father Christmas
• The Tooth Fairy
• Monsters under the bed
• Fairy tales and other stories

EFT and The Spotlight Process will offer further support on moving on from your limiting beliefs. Everything you need is right here in my first  book Find YOU, Find LOVE, a small price to pay for a major change. What is the cost of holding on to those limiting beliefs?

 

30 May

Our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do

A limiting belief is a thought, or series of thoughts, that stop us from moving forwards in life. Limiting beliefs could be based on past personal experiences or through witnessing the experiences of others.

When we truly grow up

Limiting beliefs also shape the form of our thought patterns, including irrational thinking. We all, at some point, experience limiting beliefs. Until we examine what it is we believe and change any limiting beliefs to a more empowering belief, we are often stuck in the prison of our own thinking.

This is the 3rd in the series of limiting beliefs, you can check out the previous blog posts Part 1 here and Part 2 here

Beliefs have the potential to be changed by cultivating awareness; we can choose what it is we want to believe. Challenging a limiting belief with awareness, effective questioning and using The Spotlight Process and EFT, may seriously improve a person’s sense of self worth, reduce fear, improve confidence, improve communication (internal and external dialogues) and open up all sorts of new and exciting possibilities.

What are your limiting beliefs?

Practical Exercise (10 minutes)

Measuring Limiting Beliefs using The VoC Scale (Validity of Cognition)

To measure the how true a limiting belief may be for you there is a scale called The Validity of Cognition (VoC) Scale which is an individualised measure of beliefs, developed by Francine Shapiro.

Use the VOCSscale to check the percentage of your current self limiting beliefs rating them from a 0 when you have no belief at all and 100 when the belief feels completely true for you.

Read through the list below using the Voc Scale to identify which limiting beliefs are true for you. Fill in the blanks where appropriate and add your own limiting beliefs that have been holding you back from love.

• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of not being loved
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of separation or loss of relationship
• Fear of failure
• Fear of being controlled by another
• Fear of success
• I don’t deserve…..
• I am not worthy of…..
• I’m not lovable
• I’m too……..
• I’m not…..
• I won’t be able to…..
• It’s impossible
• I can’t…..
• Something bad will happen if…..
• What if it doesn’t work out?
• What if I get hurt?
• What if my partner isn’t faithful?
• What if I lose…..?

You may be wondering right now how you can transform your limiting beliefs so here goes:

Part of the process of changing limiting beliefs is cultivating awareness, so that we can distinguish the difference between:

• What we’d like to believe
• What we think we should believe
• What we truly believe.

It is often our limited and negative thinking that holds us back from the things that we seek. Beliefs are often so unconscious that we seldom question them.

With effective self questioning, taking into account:

• When the belief was formed
• Whose belief it is
• If that belief limits us or allows us to grow
• If the beliefs we hold are still appropriate for us

Each of us has a choice and by choosing empowering beliefs about love and relationships, much can be changed in our lives for the better.

In order to change a limiting belief we need to change the internal picture and representation that we have of ourselves, of others and about the world around us, so that over time, our creative subconscious mind recognises new pictures and beliefs as a new reality and filters from a different perspective, instead of looking through dirty windows at the same dirt, we notice things we never saw before or experienced before.

If a limiting belief is based on a lie or is a belief formed by someone else’s opinion, then it is time to change the belief. Challenging a limiting belief and working out where it comes from will provide enormous benefits.

Changing our beliefs offers a renewed sense of freedom and there is a willingness to take new risks once we decide to look at the world through new windows.

Ready to uncover your limiting beliefs and move beyond them check out my full range of services here It will be my pleasure to work with you.