Tag Archives: relationships

26 Mar

Happy Other Mother’s Day

To all the ‘other mothers’, those special people who find us in our time of need, who love and accept us unconditionally for who we are, I give thanks to you today and every day.

March 26th in the UK is traditionally Mother’s Day.  A day to give thanks to the woman who gave birth to us and to acknowledge her and the gifts she has shared.  It is my hope that you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and enjoy each others company and  mutual love and respect.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have strong bonds with our mothers, for some they do not know of their birth mothers for others they are estranged and in conflict, many are bereft of their mothers in physical form and for some grieving the relationship they hoped for though I think it’s fair to say every woman on the planet has experienced the love of ‘another mother’.

Other mothers are those women who love us unconditionally and accept us for who we are warts and all.  They pick us up in times of need, hold us when we are at our wits end and encourage us to be our best.  They save us from ourselves on the darkest of nights and the hardest of days.  In short these women are amazing, angels in the physical form with hearts of gold who with their presence, for however long they are in our lives enable us to feel loved, valued, appreciated and held dear.

I have been so blessed to experience the love of ‘other mother’s’ throughout my life and I sincerely hope as you are reading this your mind wonders to the beautiful women who have graced your life and helped you on your way.

So whether it’s a step-mother, mother-in-law, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, landlady, teacher, college, therapist, friend, nurse, support worker or indeed a mother figure in spirit let us take a moment collectively together to acknowledge the love of those very special other mothers.

To be loved unconditionally is the greatest gift we can give to each other.  Where there is love there is hope and truth and light..

Thank you, other mothers for your love, your time and care, within me is part of you and your love of which I am ever grateful.

From my heart to yours with love x

Wendy 

 

18 Mar

Love Lives On…

This week I am reminded at the fragility of life and what may seem like the permanence of death.

Close friends are grieving the loss of loved ones and are in shock, unable to process what has happened, while others have the anniversaries of the deaths of their loved ones passing which evokes all kinds of memories both happy and sad.

As we approach Mother’s Day here in the UK there are many of us who no longer have the presence of a physical Mother and we may grieve not only the relationship as it was though also the relationship we hoped for.

We will each find comfort in different ways.  For myself when grief hits and it often does at unexpected moments I simply acknowledge that my grief is an indication that there is love ever present in the moment.

We are each blessed with the gift of life.  How we use the gift and the 86,400 seconds in a day is personal to us.  We can choose to celebrate the precious moments shared with others and the gift of life we have within us or betroth our self to holding onto pain, sadness and loss.

Take a moment and consider your loved one who has come to pass from the physical plane, what would they want for you right now?

Would they want you to be unhappy or would they say ”thank you for the good times, it was a pleasure to connect with you in time and space, now go and live your life to the fullest, I will be here cheering you on from the sidelines”  

Life is for living and loving.  Remembering the loved ones we have lost with love keeps their memory alive in our hearts and minds.  Death is nothing at all.

I share with you this beautiful poem written by Henry Scott Holland.  It is my hope you find comfort in the words and consider as a result how you choose to live today.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

As always my  blog posts come straight from my heart with love,

x Wendy

 

19 Feb

For the Love of Friendship

Friends are the family we choose to have in our lives.  Those all important people who with whom to share the highs and the lows and the roller coaster we call life.

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I’m often inspired to share in my blogs, real life events and today, out of the blue was surprised by a friend popping in on the off chance to see me and boy am I pleased I was in, albeit hanging out the washing with no milk in.  Friend’s don’t care if you hair is a mess, your home in disarray and there are no posh biscuits to share, they are there for you and meet you wherever you are.

What does the word friend or friendship mean to you?  

When you think about your own special family of friends, who comes to mind?  

How long have you know each other?

What similarities and interests do you share?

How did you come to meet?

What have you been through together?

What are your happiest memories shared? 

When was the last time you shared from your heart openly that you love your friends?

What’s your next available chance to make plans to meet with your friends? 

Time can’t be banked, exchanged or extended and before you know it time will fly…

Like my friend and I, life and circumstances took us to different parts of the country, each of us doing our own thing and yet coming together as if it was just yesterday we met.   With much chin wagging, hugs, laughter and tears we were able to fill in the blanks as to just how we have been sending our time.

There’s something truly special about friends and the best way I can describe it is like having a heart centred connection which stays in place and whenever life might take you that connection is a bond never broken.

Whether it’s been a month, a year or indeed years you have been out of contact with friends, coming together to meet each other exactly where you’re each at, will bring much joy to your heart.

Reach out today and make a plan to connect and share your journey with your friends.

Time passes quickly – real friendship lasts forever…

28 Jan

Unlearning Your Learning

It’s true to say we all have habits, patterns of thinking, behaviours and a ways of reacting to life and it’s curve balls which either serve us well or ‘take us down the swanny without a paddle.’

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For those not familiar with this term, we are basically in a boat, oar-less, possibly screaming ‘stop the ride I want to get off’ or either trying to cling on to the nearest, person or thing not really knowing if we will make it or not.

This blog has become a habit for me and one I love because writing for me is a habit and I do love to inspire others with my words and shares.  Just like walking I learned to write a long time ago and both habits have served me well. Though not all habits are healthy and this is why i’m going to share my insights into unlearning your learning.

I’m often inspired to write about real life situations and just yesterday I was talking to a friend and we agreed it’s easy to get into the habit of just having a beer or a glass of wine or two after a long stressful day or even as a reward when your day has been ace.  The ‘wine o’clock or beer o’clock’ glasses come on and you think…’oh, just the one’ and before you know it that small one has become several bottles of beer, a bottle of wine and the six pack Hoola Hoops, the whole bag of mini-cheeses disappear (well they are mini you say to yourself) The box of chocolates you were saving for your aunt’s birthday get munched including the ones which aren’t your favourites and for afters you decide to open the tub of your favourite ice cream, you know the one with the cherries and choc-chip in or maybe it’s the rum and raisin for you.

Hmm…habits have a lot to answer to and so do we because it is us who are actually feeding these habits.  Whether it’s being a fridge raider, a chocolate addict, getting angry when driving, feeling out of control when things don’t go your way or feeling rejected when someone says no to spending time with you we all have our own unique ways of responding.

So it’s time to unlearn your learning, it’s much easier than you might think

Much of our learning is ‘unconscious’ we aren’t even aware we have eaten the whole contents of the fridge perhaps until the morning and you wonder who has been in an stolen all the goodies.  We often don’t think before we reply when someone honks us in the traffic, we honk right back a gazillion times , shouting words of abuse if someone angers us only fuels the fire and when we get upset and end up in a flood of tears when those we want to be with can’t be with us for whatever reasons not one of these ways is beneficial for long term health.  The good news is, the triggers we learn to respond in  unhealthy ways can be unlearned.

To become more conscious you simply start to pay more attention to the following:

  • Your mood generally and how you tend to behave when you experience difficult situations
  • The thoughts you say inside your own mind or out loud when life throws it’s curve balls
  • How you feel inside in reaction to the things which upset you (like a bomb about to go off is a great exapmle)
  • Visual triggers which you find upsetting (your husband looking at the TV and not you) 
  • Other people’s tone or tempo of voice which riles you (yeah whatever) 
  • Where you might be deleting, distorting or generalising information
  • Smells and tastes which remind you of happy times (when we are unhappy we often reach for feel god foods that we may have been rewarded with as a child, often sweet things)
  • Your ‘go to’ addiction when you want to cheer up or reward youself (booze, shopping, ice cream etc)
  • Your beliefs about a situation, person or group of people which have you displaying behaviours which you regret afterwards or find yourself attaching to

Thought catching and being aware if how you feel moment to moment will help to bring you back to the present.  Mindless behaviours keep you back from health and wellness, they may also impact finances, relationships, self-esteem, energy levels, mood generally and having the level of success in all life areas.

Do join me in a spot of imagining…

  • Imagine (pretend, see sense and think about) yourself in the future having unlearnt your learning (the bad habits and ways of responding to people, situations and the things which trigger you)
  • How did you do it?  
  • What did you start doing
  • What did you stop doing
  • What are you doing differently now?
  • What advise would your future self say to you right now that will help you unlearn your negative learning?
  • What’s the first thing you can do to help yourself?
  • And the next, and the next and the next? 

Start as you mean to go on…

If you know you’re feeling low, don’t stock your home with the foods and drinks you will only regret eating and drinking.  Make a plan to give yourself some TLC by another means

If you’ve had upsets with friends or family and want to repair relationships arrange a mutual setting free from alcohol where you can talk through what you both want (the outcome you hope for)  Go with the positive intention of building the relationship, talking about what you want, not what you don’t want

If you’re someone who often feels depressed or anxious start taking action by doing more of what brings you a sense of inner calm and happiness.  Bring in a sense of gratitude for what you already have in your life.  Choose actions which lift you, whether it be going for a walk, watching funny movies, spending time with a pet, having a massage any of these things will change the way you feel.

There are so many ways to unlearn your negative learning and this begins with a single thought and a plan of action and before you know it you will have adapted some brand new learning and behaviours which serve you well.

There will come a time when you simply forget what it was you were even trying to unlearn.  Your new behaviours become part of life and living on purpose.

Get into the habit now of changing your habits to those which bring you long term happiness and joy.

From my heart to yous,

With love,

Wendy

If you need any help and support contact me via www.wendyfry.com and we can talk through support options and getting you back on track to learning new ways of thinking and new ways of being.

 

09 Jan

When Nothing is Certain….

Everything is possible…

So many times different people both friends and clients have said to me ‘what if i can’t?’, my answer is always, ‘what if you can?’

Limits exist only in the mind, what we believe to be true becomes an end result or in some cases no result at all.

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It’s true to say in life there are often many challenges that come at unexpected times and also the events we know will happen with certainty that we have to prepare for.

Here are just a few examples of where people get stuck in their thinking:

  1. It’s impossible
  2. I’m too old
  3. No one will want me
  4. I’m not experienced enough
  5. All my relationships have failed
  6. I keep attracting the wrong types
  7. I don’t have the money
  8. I don’t have the energy
  9. It’s hopeless
  10. I can’t do it

I’m sure you get the picture and perhaps by even reading those few short statements your energy has slumped, you feel defeated, negative, unhappy.  Words are powerful and it’s the words we say to ourselves inwardly and outwardly that contribute to feeling stuck and often if were’re feeling stuck we take no action because we are in a place of fear often trapped in the past and scared it will repeat itself.

So here are my re-frames I offer when I hear the kinds of complaints above:

  1. How do you know?
  2. Compared to whom?
  3. Where is the evidence of this?
  4. What can you do to gain the experience you need?
  5. What have you learnt from these relationships?
  6. If you were to focus on the ‘right types’ what is the right type for you?
  7. What other resources are open to you to achieve what you want?
  8. If you did have the energy what’s the first thing you’d do, how will that one small action benefit you?
  9. What do you want instead of that feeling of hopelessness?
  10. Get rid of the T in can’t and you can

It’s an interesting fact to share…

We are not our thoughts though our thoughts will ultimately take us closer to a desired outcome or further away.

So on that note…

  • What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
  • What will this look like, feel like and sound like to you?
  • Looking back on how you achieved this how did you do it?
  • What advice would your ‘future self’ give you in order to get started?
  • If you were to become your own best friend what would you say to yourself which offers support, encouragement and praise along the way?
  • What’s one thought, action and deed you can take today which will take you closer to your desire?

Remember you can be, do and have anything you set your mind to and when your thinking tells you otherwise tell it to ‘go and do one!’ or something similar.

You are not your thoughts.  You are a magnificent creator and your dreams can be part of your reality and experience.

Begin today acting as if and work backwards…

Happiness, success, love, career progression, whatever it is you want is only ever a thought away

03 Jan

Mirror, Mirror…..

Life is but a reflection of our beliefs, hopes and fears. What we say to ourselves inside our own minds and outwardly does indeed influence our futures. What we think we can or can’t do eventually comes to pass.

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Not so many years ago I had a dream; I left my day job and perused a career which in actual fact is a vocation, a joy, a way of being. Many told me to get a ‘proper job’ or even a part time job to tide me over. Some said ‘it’s too risky’, others ‘too competitive’, others simply rolled their eyes and thought I’d lost the plot.

The truth is I had faith in myself from day one that I could achieve my dreams. I didn’t sit back waiting for the dream to happen. I took action, invested in myself, re-trained, read what seems like a million books, prioritised my life, cut out the things I didn’t need, I budgeted, planned, took more action and you know what happened ‘The Universe’ if you believe in such a thing/place/energy saw what I was doing, it listened to my thoughts, it felt my vibration of acting as if this dream had already come to pass and sent a truck load of opportunities my way. Needless to say I had quite a few celebrations along the way.

There are not many who can honestly say they are living a happy life though for me, my life is incredibly happy. Every day I get to do the work I love working with people who also want to live their dreams. Looking back I have achieved so much and you can too.

Begin today by bringing your thinking and feelings into balance. Are you really living the life you want or do you want something different? If it’s the latter, start imagining what it will feel like when you are beyond the goal achievement, when you’ve reached a point in your life when even more beautiful experiences have come to pass because you took action towards your dreams.

Your thoughts become things; begin today by reaching for the higher feeling thought until you can actually feel the joy of living the life you want. You only have to think it and to feel it for it to become a reality. Everything else is part of the ride of discovering your fullest potential.

Begin today and notice what you are reflecting out to the world, if you don’t like the refection, change it. You are the master of your thoughts and your destiny.
Ready to make even deeper lasting change find out how right here

18 Dec

Staying Sane at Christmas

Christmas for many can be a happy occasion but for others it’s a stressful time of year.

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The classic saying ‘let bygones be bygones’ is often easier said than done.

If your thoughts are on all the things that could go wrong over the festive season guaranteed having the expectation will bring more of the same.

The thing is – you don’t have to do what you’ve always done, you don’t have to think how you’re always thought and you don’t have to act and behave in ways which aren’t helpful to you or anyone else.

It’s natural that we may want to protect ourselves from criticism, the judgement of others, expected arguments and the continuation of a family feud but in reality it can be so different.

Just one small change needs to be made and that change begins with you.

Instead of thinking about what you don’t want, focus on the most positive outcome possible then hold the vision and trust the process that this too will come to pass.

The Spotlight Process will help you to stay sane at Christmas enormously.

You might like to copy out and carry around these questions until they become familiar in your thought pattern.  Instead of responding in the old way, begin afresh by exploring the meaning and beliefs you are placing on an event, experience or in relation to the person you are in conflict with.

1. Where is my thinking right now? (Past, Present or Future?)

2. What proportion of my thinking is negative?

3. How does it affect me when I focus on the negative?

4. Where is the evidence that what I think will happen will happen?

5. What do I want instead of thinking or feeling this way?

6. Coming from my heart instead of my head what would love do here?

Ready to know more about The Spotlight Process and how embracing and applying this process in your life not just at Christmas will change your reality, simply follow this link which will take you to my first book ‘Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT.

Here’s to staying sane at Christmas,

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy

21 Nov

Every No is One Step Closer to a Yes!

I don’t know about you but there have been times in my life when I couldn’t decide if I was indecisive or not and other times when it’s been very clear to me that I need to take a different route or make an alternative choice.

Whether it’s relationships, career prospects, trying the next diet or learning something new only to discover it’s not for you, I want you to know every no is one step closer to a yes.

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If something doesn’t work out the way you hoped for all is not lost.  Ask yourself the following self-reflection questions for deeper meaning:

  • What did I learn from this experience generally?
  • What did I learn about myself?
  • If I use this experience to work for me, what has it provided me with that I wasn’t clear about before?
  • What is the gift in this situation ? – How has what happened actually benefited me?
  • How true was I being to myself in that experience?
  • What can I do differently next time?
  • Using the wisdom from my learning how can I make my next choices more congruent with who I am and what I want?
  • When I think about what I want rather than what I don’t want, what are the next actions that will take me closer to my goal?
  • Realising every no is one step closer to a yes, what do I know for sure, what haven’t I yet thought of, what is this an opportunity for?

Sometimes we can over complicate a situation by criticising ourselves, our choices, the other person, the experience, heck even the weather and waste valuable time getting caught up in angst and we all know what that feels like.

If you were to draw a line under it, move on, ask yourself the above questions and take a new course of action….what’s the best that can happen?

Remember every no is one step closer to a yes.  Begin today by saying yes to you!

 

 

15 Nov

Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

What is it you want to change?

Making change and setting new boundaries begins with you.  As much as you might want your significant other, mother, co-worker, best friend or neighbour to change, you will find it far easier to make the change begin with you.  It might mean you have to step out of your comfort zone, be assertive, feel uncomfortable for a while and face your fears but without making the change to make new choices, nothing will change.

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Reflect on these questions first before reading The 10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to stop doing?
•  What would you like ‘insert the name of the person here’ to start doing?
•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to do differently?

 
•  What are you willing to stop doing?
•  What are you able to start doing?
•  What can you do differently to improve your relationship?

In relationships, until we can speak up and communicate our needs clearly, assertively and respectfully, the problems, challenges and the behaviours of those we have relationships with, remain the same.  When we change the way we communicate consistently, there is every possibility those around us will be influenced by the change and mirror back to us the positive communication.

10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

1. Speak from the ‘I’. (‘‘I would like you to listen to what I’m about to say. I would like to make some positive changes in our relationship. I feel we would benefit from putting the past behind us. It would mean so much to me if you are able to hear what I’ve communicated and consider my requests, thank you for considering this’’) Saying thank you at the end of a statement like this voices the assumption that the other person will listen and acknowledge your proposal.

2. Keep communications in the positive and future tense (‘‘What I would like is for us to do is XYZ.  I believe we would both benefit from this change’’)

3. Clearly identify your boundary. Spend time figuring out what you want before you voice your limits (Do you need your neighbour, friend, your mother to stop turning up unannounced or calling you when you’re in the middle of preparing an evening meal. Would you prefer them to call round at a specific time when you are both free?)

4. Understand why you need a boundary. What’s your motivation and reason for setting this boundary? (If it’s not convenient for your neighbour, mother or friend to turn up or call without notice, let her know you will have undivided time them if you can call at 8pm for 30 minutes once the children are in bed)

5. Make your communications clear. Be direct and assertive in your conversation (If you fear conflict or confrontation you may not say exactly what you mean, which leaves room for confusion or doubt). It might spare the person you are in conflict with feelings if you aren’t direct and to the point but how will you feel? What is the cost if you do nothing to make this change, who suffers?)

6. Don’t give long explanations or apologise (Setting boundaries isn’t something you need to say sorry for and it doesn’t have to be a long drawn out process. Short, sharp and clear communications works best.  If someone is demanding of your time when it’s inconvenient you have to let them know e.g. (‘‘I would like weekends to myself, I need more time to study, thank you for understanding this. I look forward to meeting you on Wednesday afternoons to catch up’’)

7. Remain calm and polite (Boundaries are best set outside of an argument, getting into dialogue about making change in the heat of the moment when both of you are angry, neither person can really hear the other. Keep your anger in check and leave all sarcasm and condescending tone out of your communications)

8. Start with firm boundaries (It’s easier to loosen a tight boundary after it’s been set rather than trying to tighten a weak boundary.  If your mother or mother in law is interfering and trying to reorganise your home, e.g., ‘‘I’d prefer it if you don’t come into my home when I’m not there. I want the way I’ve left my home to stay the same, I like it how it is.’’ It’s easier at a later date to invite her to take a mini-break in your home while you are away, on the condition she leaves things as they are, or to pop round an hour before you get home if she wants to watch something not available on her own TV package). Don’t overextend yourself or try and ‘people please’ or agree to commitments you will later have to cancel or do begrudgingly. Get clear from the start.

9. Address any breaking of boundaries early on. As soon as a boundary is broken, reset it. Remind the person concerned of your boundary. (‘‘You may have forgotten , I need the weekends to myself study, I can see you on Wednesday afternoons instead’’)

10. Don’t make it personal. Rather than tell the person you are in conflict with everything you think about them being inconsiderate of your time, your appointments and plans it is far easier to be direct. eg (‘‘I’m happy to pick you up and take you to Maggie’s, but you will need to be ready at 10 a.m’’)

It’s possible the person you wish to set boundaries with won’t welcome these changes though in order for your relationship to improve, it’s important to end the struggles you each have within your relationship and find new solutions to old problems.  All it takes is one person to change and this change begins with you.

Stand up for what you want in life, agree to disagree if need be.  If you don’t you are living someone elses life on their terms, not yours, and that’s not really living life at all.

If you’re in need of further support in setting healthy personal boundaries please do make contact at
www.wendyfry.com to discuss best support options.

24 Oct

Nothing is Set in Stone

When nothing is certain everything is possible…

Life ideally is about achieving balance and harmony, though in reality nothing is set in stone even if we think it is.  What we once knew for certain may become uncertain, old constructs change shape, what was promised is forgotten, what we hoped to achieve falls away and we may have no choice but to start again, though this time differently.

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Change can be painful though on the other hand with change we transform and grow.  We find hidden strengths we may never have discovered otherwise and we can begin a new chapter and a new journey getting ever curious about what’s the best that can happen.

New opportunities we never imagined may show up and we break out of the self confined prison we have been in.  What once may have felt like a comfort zone no longer provides safety as it simply stops us growing and becoming all we can be.

Relationships are ever changing and if we can roll with the changes and even create some of our own it allows us to change the relationship we have with ourselves.  We do not have to be who we have always been.  Every day is a gift, the gift of starting over and beginning again

So remember – when life feels out of balance and relationships change along the way, all is not lost it’s just about finding a different kind of balance.

One thing for certain is to always remember you have you. External events may change, relationships may change, people may change though at the end of the day you still have you, and that dear heart is the one thing you can rely on, you’ve got this far and I know you can roll with the changes because nothing is set in stone.

When nothing is certain anything is possible…..

If you’d like to find out more about finding balance and improving your relationships check out my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE and my next book Mothers and Daughters due out next month.

As always, from my heart to yours,

With love x