Tag Archives: Self Esteem

28 Jan

Unlearning Your Learning

It’s true to say we all have habits, patterns of thinking, behaviours and a ways of reacting to life and it’s curve balls which either serve us well or ‘take us down the swanny without a paddle.’

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For those not familiar with this term, we are basically in a boat, oar-less, possibly screaming ‘stop the ride I want to get off’ or either trying to cling on to the nearest, person or thing not really knowing if we will make it or not.

This blog has become a habit for me and one I love because writing for me is a habit and I do love to inspire others with my words and shares.  Just like walking I learned to write a long time ago and both habits have served me well. Though not all habits are healthy and this is why i’m going to share my insights into unlearning your learning.

I’m often inspired to write about real life situations and just yesterday I was talking to a friend and we agreed it’s easy to get into the habit of just having a beer or a glass of wine or two after a long stressful day or even as a reward when your day has been ace.  The ‘wine o’clock or beer o’clock’ glasses come on and you think…’oh, just the one’ and before you know it that small one has become several bottles of beer, a bottle of wine and the six pack Hoola Hoops, the whole bag of mini-cheeses disappear (well they are mini you say to yourself) The box of chocolates you were saving for your aunt’s birthday get munched including the ones which aren’t your favourites and for afters you decide to open the tub of your favourite ice cream, you know the one with the cherries and choc-chip in or maybe it’s the rum and raisin for you.

Hmm…habits have a lot to answer to and so do we because it is us who are actually feeding these habits.  Whether it’s being a fridge raider, a chocolate addict, getting angry when driving, feeling out of control when things don’t go your way or feeling rejected when someone says no to spending time with you we all have our own unique ways of responding.

So it’s time to unlearn your learning, it’s much easier than you might think

Much of our learning is ‘unconscious’ we aren’t even aware we have eaten the whole contents of the fridge perhaps until the morning and you wonder who has been in an stolen all the goodies.  We often don’t think before we reply when someone honks us in the traffic, we honk right back a gazillion times , shouting words of abuse if someone angers us only fuels the fire and when we get upset and end up in a flood of tears when those we want to be with can’t be with us for whatever reasons not one of these ways is beneficial for long term health.  The good news is, the triggers we learn to respond in  unhealthy ways can be unlearned.

To become more conscious you simply start to pay more attention to the following:

  • Your mood generally and how you tend to behave when you experience difficult situations
  • The thoughts you say inside your own mind or out loud when life throws it’s curve balls
  • How you feel inside in reaction to the things which upset you (like a bomb about to go off is a great exapmle)
  • Visual triggers which you find upsetting (your husband looking at the TV and not you) 
  • Other people’s tone or tempo of voice which riles you (yeah whatever) 
  • Where you might be deleting, distorting or generalising information
  • Smells and tastes which remind you of happy times (when we are unhappy we often reach for feel god foods that we may have been rewarded with as a child, often sweet things)
  • Your ‘go to’ addiction when you want to cheer up or reward youself (booze, shopping, ice cream etc)
  • Your beliefs about a situation, person or group of people which have you displaying behaviours which you regret afterwards or find yourself attaching to

Thought catching and being aware if how you feel moment to moment will help to bring you back to the present.  Mindless behaviours keep you back from health and wellness, they may also impact finances, relationships, self-esteem, energy levels, mood generally and having the level of success in all life areas.

Do join me in a spot of imagining…

  • Imagine (pretend, see sense and think about) yourself in the future having unlearnt your learning (the bad habits and ways of responding to people, situations and the things which trigger you)
  • How did you do it?  
  • What did you start doing
  • What did you stop doing
  • What are you doing differently now?
  • What advise would your future self say to you right now that will help you unlearn your negative learning?
  • What’s the first thing you can do to help yourself?
  • And the next, and the next and the next? 

Start as you mean to go on…

If you know you’re feeling low, don’t stock your home with the foods and drinks you will only regret eating and drinking.  Make a plan to give yourself some TLC by another means

If you’ve had upsets with friends or family and want to repair relationships arrange a mutual setting free from alcohol where you can talk through what you both want (the outcome you hope for)  Go with the positive intention of building the relationship, talking about what you want, not what you don’t want

If you’re someone who often feels depressed or anxious start taking action by doing more of what brings you a sense of inner calm and happiness.  Bring in a sense of gratitude for what you already have in your life.  Choose actions which lift you, whether it be going for a walk, watching funny movies, spending time with a pet, having a massage any of these things will change the way you feel.

There are so many ways to unlearn your negative learning and this begins with a single thought and a plan of action and before you know it you will have adapted some brand new learning and behaviours which serve you well.

There will come a time when you simply forget what it was you were even trying to unlearn.  Your new behaviours become part of life and living on purpose.

Get into the habit now of changing your habits to those which bring you long term happiness and joy.

From my heart to yous,

With love,

Wendy

If you need any help and support contact me via www.wendyfry.com and we can talk through support options and getting you back on track to learning new ways of thinking and new ways of being.

 

09 Jan

When Nothing is Certain….

Everything is possible…

So many times different people both friends and clients have said to me ‘what if i can’t?’, my answer is always, ‘what if you can?’

Limits exist only in the mind, what we believe to be true becomes an end result or in some cases no result at all.

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It’s true to say in life there are often many challenges that come at unexpected times and also the events we know will happen with certainty that we have to prepare for.

Here are just a few examples of where people get stuck in their thinking:

  1. It’s impossible
  2. I’m too old
  3. No one will want me
  4. I’m not experienced enough
  5. All my relationships have failed
  6. I keep attracting the wrong types
  7. I don’t have the money
  8. I don’t have the energy
  9. It’s hopeless
  10. I can’t do it

I’m sure you get the picture and perhaps by even reading those few short statements your energy has slumped, you feel defeated, negative, unhappy.  Words are powerful and it’s the words we say to ourselves inwardly and outwardly that contribute to feeling stuck and often if were’re feeling stuck we take no action because we are in a place of fear often trapped in the past and scared it will repeat itself.

So here are my re-frames I offer when I hear the kinds of complaints above:

  1. How do you know?
  2. Compared to whom?
  3. Where is the evidence of this?
  4. What can you do to gain the experience you need?
  5. What have you learnt from these relationships?
  6. If you were to focus on the ‘right types’ what is the right type for you?
  7. What other resources are open to you to achieve what you want?
  8. If you did have the energy what’s the first thing you’d do, how will that one small action benefit you?
  9. What do you want instead of that feeling of hopelessness?
  10. Get rid of the T in can’t and you can

It’s an interesting fact to share…

We are not our thoughts though our thoughts will ultimately take us closer to a desired outcome or further away.

So on that note…

  • What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
  • What will this look like, feel like and sound like to you?
  • Looking back on how you achieved this how did you do it?
  • What advice would your ‘future self’ give you in order to get started?
  • If you were to become your own best friend what would you say to yourself which offers support, encouragement and praise along the way?
  • What’s one thought, action and deed you can take today which will take you closer to your desire?

Remember you can be, do and have anything you set your mind to and when your thinking tells you otherwise tell it to ‘go and do one!’ or something similar.

You are not your thoughts.  You are a magnificent creator and your dreams can be part of your reality and experience.

Begin today acting as if and work backwards…

Happiness, success, love, career progression, whatever it is you want is only ever a thought away

15 Aug

Magic Pill

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it.  Action has magic, grace and power in it ~ Johann Wolfgang 

I swear i’d be a millionaire if I had a pound for every time someone has said to me ‘I wish I had a magic pill to make it all better’ .  When have you uttered these words yourself or said something similar when life has got hard and things aren’t going the way you want them to?

It’s all too easy to think about taking a pill, to numb the effects of life, to either get rid of a feeling we don’t like or to bring in one we do like.  As much as it may be the easy option to take a pill (or even wish you had an imaginary one to make it all better) the best way to resolve a problem is to use the power of your thoughts.

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Thoughts are magic and you my dear friend, are the magic maker.  

Once you begin to build on magic thoughts, more magic happens.  You and only you are the thinker. No one thinks you in the same way no one breathes you.

You can in fact re-frame your thinking at any time.  Here’s how.  Think about the worst time in your life when you felt depressed, low, helpless, downtrodden and fed up with life…how do you feel when you think this way?  Did your shoulders hunch over, your breathing slow down, sadness rise into your awareness, a memory of unhappy times coming to the fore?  Your thoughts create how you feel from one moment to the next…

Now just for a moment, look around you what do you see?  What colours are there in your periphery?  Next think about how amazing it is to have the ability to read and how as you sit there your body is working independently for you.  All kinds of things are going on which you may not be aware of.  You’re breathing, digesting, processing and creating all kinds of emotions as you read through my words.

Now this is where the magic happens….

Take your mind to a happy time, a memory of a place you’ve been, perhaps you were with someone whose company you’ve enjoyed or shared special times with.  Think about how happy you felt in the moment, joyous, carefree, confident, excited.  Allow the feeling of happiness to continue flooding through your body as you remember this occasion.

In the same way you can’t think a negative thought and positive thought at the same time, try it. it’s impossible.  What you can do is begin to choose your thoughts wisely.  Thoughts include what you say outwardly in the spoken or written sense and also what you say inwardly (inside your own mind)

You are the magic maker, your thoughts are the magic pill.  You can feel better or worse depending on the quality of your thoughts.

Every experience you go through has an opportunity to be re-framed.  Simply reach for a higher feeling thought and feel your body respond accordingly.

See what magic you can create for yourself today, this week, this month.  Thinking used wisely, is the best medicine of all!

Every day may not be a good day, but there’s something good in every day…

 

 

08 Aug

The Power of Vulnerability

When was the last time you allowed yourself to be vulnerable?

Vulnerability get’s bad press.  So many people think it’s not okay to say how you feel, share a forthright opinion or stand up for what you believe in while others are learning it is through actually exercising the power of vulnerability which gives us strength.

In recent weeks this has been a major theme in my work.

Woman are recognising when they are acting from the frightened child part of themselves, afraid to speak up in case a relationship ends.  Others don’t let their bosses know they are doing all the work while others are filing their nails and gloating.  Many are stressed to the max because they don’t know how to say no to the demands of family requests.  Some feel it’s wrong to ask for help and believe ‘you have to do things by yourself’.  Even in terms of health we might hold back from demanding a second opinion and asking for more care.

Vulnerability begins in childhood where we learn what it’s like to get things wrong, where we say or do something or parents or caregivers don’t like, where we might experience not getting picked for sport at school or included at playtime.  We leave ourselves open and exposed in nearly all our interactions and I agree this sure does leave one feeling unsafe if your believe it’s not okay to be vulnerable based on just a few experiences from the past which have been negative.

Roget’s 21st Century Thesaurus offers us the following when we pull vulnerability to pieces:

noun exposure

adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

Now just because we can and because I love playing with words, let’s re-frame vulnerability!

1. capability to speak up with assertiveness with no harm happening to us emotionally or physically (testing out the limiting beliefs about vulnerability and getting positive reactions in the process)

2. allowing ourselves to be open to help, support, encouragement, guidance, love and acceptance (evidence vulnerability benefits us in many ways)

3. open to sharing our real selves, being true to who we are and sharing our truth with others (building confidence as we learn vulnerability no longer makes us vulnerable because whatever the outcome at least we’ve been true to ourselves) we also help those around us to show up as who they are.  It’s a win/win all round

So I invite you to be open to exploring your vulnerability, this Brene Brown Talk on vulnerability sums it up nicely.

If vulnerabilities been holding you back, it’s time to let it go….What’s the best that can happen!

 

04 Jul

Missing Events – Making up for lost time

When you think of your past, what was it you wanted you didn’t receive?

Was it the love from another, a promotion, recognition from someone important to you, being included in a group, praise for a job well done or simply feeling accepted for who you are?

Each of us crave different things, often it comes down to the need for love, acceptance, approval or oneness.

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

In my work as a therapist many of my clients talk about the things which happened in their lives which they regret. They tell the story of the disappointments, unfairness, heartbreak, despair and the beliefs they formed about themselves, the world around them and/or other people.

It’s true our past events do affect us until we resolve them but how often do we talk about the missing events and how to heal the past by creating a new way of thinking?

Until I discovered Matrix Reimprinting (you can read more about it here In Karl Dawson and Sasha Allenby’s first book on the subject) Matrix Reimprinting Using EFT: Rewrite Your Past, Transform Your Future, I too had many missing events from my past and many limiting beliefs which were ruining my life.

The beauty of Matrix Reimprinting is you can go back to a time in your past when you formed limiting beliefs such as ‘i’m not good enough’, ‘pretty enough’, ‘slim enough’, ‘worthy enough’, ‘lovable enough’ etc and work with your ECHO (Energetic Consciousness Hologram) otherwise known as your inner child who formed these limiting beliefs.

A little like re-writing a story, working in the matrix gives you the freedom to go back, make up for lost time and say or do what you didn’t say within the  remembered event giving the younger you the power to change your experience of that time.  Although you can’t actually change the past you can go back to the memory of when you formed a limiting belief, learn why you put it in place and clear the energy which remains utilising EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) you can even put in a new ending and take your inner child off in a whole new direction with a fresh and empowering belief which serves you.  There is so much freedom in doing this and life takes on new meaning.

At the age of fifteen, I formed the belief ‘I not lovable’, it was on reflection a misguided belief which came from my father leaving my mother but at the time I took this as a personal rejection, this played out in my life and shaped the outcome of my relationships spanning over 20 years, expecting those I had relationships with to leave or abandon me.  I’ve written about it here in my first book Find YOU Find LOVE.  Which includes EFT to clear the past as well as The Spotlight Process to help you monitor your thoughts, beliefs and how to change them.

Thinking about what it is you want to achieve in your life, what stops you?  

What are the limiting beliefs which get in your way of having loving relationships, the career or promotion you want?

What stops you trying something new?  

Who from your childhood are you still carrying resentment towards?

Which negative emotions do you suffer from the most?

Who or what triggers these emotions?

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself?

What is preventing you from feeling more at peace with yourself? 

What else is holding you back in your life?

What is your ECHO (inner child) holding onto which still hurts you now?

What are the missing events you wish had happened?

If you were able to go back and create a new ending to an old story/event what would you do or say? 

How would changing your beliefs about yourself, others and the world around you benefit you?

I appreciate there are a lot of questions here.  You can learn more about limiting beliefs and how yours may still be influencing your current reality by downloading the free chapter here

I will continue to share in my blog how making up for lost time, using EFT and Matrix Reimprinting putting you back in control of your life.

Being aware of the past is helpful, living there isn’t.

From my heart to yours (and your ECHO) with love

x Wendy

When you’re ready to work with me you can check out your best programme here 

 

 

 

 

27 Jun

Learning about Love

In recent weeks we’ve covered much on the topic of limiting beliefs connected to love and relationships.

you can backtrack on the posts if you want to understand more about your own beliefs and how they may at times block you from having the kind of love and relationships you desire.

Love and relationship beliefs ~

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

At some point in your life, you would have learnt specific beliefs as they were passed down to you by family members or caregivers, or you would have formed your own love and relationship beliefs based on your own perceptions and experiences growing up and throughout your life. All fears come from the ‘little you’, the ‘inner child’ as it’s sometimes referred to.

Be sure to nurture and love the child inside you, she still exists

As children, we are like sponges soaking up information through all our senses, believing everything we are told by our parents and caregivers. We place meanings as we interpret events and experiences and everything we learn is stored in the subconscious mind. We form beliefs about the world around us and about other people, including love and relationships.

Bruce Lipton, cell biologist explains the concept of this in his book Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There from Here. I have paraphrased his account which details how the subconscious mind downloads information from the environment.

Before the age of six, while we are in what’s called a ‘hypnagogic’ state literally hypnotised by all the information coming at us. Some of the beliefs, perceptions and inferences we form are untrue, our analytical self conscious mind doesn’t fully exist and does not have the filters or discriminations that we develop after the age of six. We form beliefs based on what we ‘assume’ rather than what is fact. This often causes us problems later on in life, especially in the love and relationship area of our lives.

As adults, we hold onto those childhood beliefs, often without questioning where they came from, if they are/were true and if it is appropriate for us to hold onto them now. It’s the beliefs we form about love and relationships at that age, which can become a patterns of behaviour that we default to for the rest of our lives. Our subconscious beliefs keep running until we explore what we believe and how that is showing up in our lives.

Our pre set expectations about love and relationships are based on beliefs, perceptions, judgements and also our need for love, approval and acceptance from others. We often hand over the responsibility of being loved to another person (acting as a child would) and that in itself can put huge pressure on relationships.

Not only do we lose a sense of our identity, we also give up on taking responsibility for ourselves to fulfil our own needs. It often becomes an obsession to get our needs met by others and when they are not met, the issue can feel as crucial as life or death!

As children growing up, it is natural for us to look towards our caregivers and parents to cater to our every whim, to seek for and be rewarded with love, approval, acceptance and nurturing, though as adults it becomes our personal responsibility to give those things to ourselves, It’s no longer appropriate to look outside of ourselves for these things or to demand them in a relationship.

It is no longer appropriate as an adult to act from the ‘little me’ (your younger self/inner child) where you may be coming across as a needy baby or demanding child. In fact it complicates matters if we are constantly clingy, needy and wanting to be ‘filled up’ with love, approval, acceptance or attention from another.

If you’d like to understand more about yourself, your relationships and how your past has influenced you up to now check out my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE

When you’re ready to fully invest in yourself I have a range of support programmes you might like to consider.

I welcome the opportunity to connect with you and your wonderful inner child.

When we truly grow up and take full responsibility to heal old wounds and take care of our own needs, our lives can change dramatically. We have the capacity to totally transform them. Life becomes all that we imagined and more.

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy

This blog posts concludes the series related to limiting beliefs, I hope you have enjoyed it.

As a thank you for following you might like to listen to these 2 free MP3’s audios Standing in the Spotlight of Love and 21 Steps to LOVE …enjoy

 

05 Jun

What is it you believe?

In recent weeks we’ve discussed:

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

This week’s blog gives you an opportunity to get clear on what it is you believe.

Insightful Questions

Read through the following questions and notice your responses. You might be surprised at how unkind the thoughts you have about yourself really are.

• How many of your thoughts about yourself are critical, blaming, bullying, shaming, ugly, unloving, downright rude and uncaring?

• What do you say to yourself on a regular basis that’s damaging and unkind?

• How often do you project into the future the idea that love and relationships are pointless, that you’re not good enough, slim enough, tall enough, worthy enough, attractive enough, smart enough?

• Would you talk to a best friend or a child the way you talk to and criticise yourself?

• Would you tell that person that they will never amount to anything, that they are useless, unlovable, worthless, stupid, ugly, shameful, inadequate, and pitying?

Chances are, you would not say these things or others like them to another person and so it’s time to stop speaking about yourself in a limiting way. It’s time to stop the war against yourself, it’s time to stop rejecting yourself, time to stop replaying the past, time to stop beating yourself up and playing small and time to get rid of the voice from the past.

Thought Power

It’s time to start loving yourself and giving yourself the time, attention love and care that you deserve. It’s time to listen to and meet your own needs by yourself for yourself.

Our main problems and limiting beliefs, come from the perception of our level of success, love, belonging, self worth, control, security, reality and reason. Getting really honest with yourself about the core beliefs that you may be running like a film or story in your mind, is a very important step in change work. Once we realise that a lot of the stories and movies that we play in our minds are outdated and unhelpful, we know what areas to work on.

Be aware that some core beliefs come from our conditioning whilst growing up. There is no blame here on our caregivers, we were very young when we formed our core beliefs and at the time, these beliefs seemed to be appropriate for us. Core beliefs may be formed based on the following conditions:

• Fear associated with rejection/not being lovable, worthy or approved of

• Fear associated with not meeting expectations, being good enough, adequate, recognised

• Fear associated with criticism, judgement, being made wrong, being told off, being compared

• Fear associated with people giving you attention, unwanted attention, smothering, feeling singled out, harassed, embarrassed

Core beliefs can be likened to a table. At the top of the table is the limiting core belief. This is held up by the table legs which are formed from family conditioning, societal conditioning, emotional events, upset and trauma. Your core beliefs may also have many other beliefs underlying them supporting the core belief.

Remember, there is never any blame. Whatever you discover that shaped your beliefs (if you felt unloved, unimportant, ignored or rejected by a parent or significant other) it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you, it was purely the meaning and belief you placed on an event or series of events and experiences with the knowledge that you had at the time.

We forget as adults that many of the beliefs we formed in childhood are outdated, destructive and are often completely wrong. Working through and having an awareness of the memories that you would like transformed is the start to the road of finding you and finding love.

Joking aside, I would like to remind you of some old, outdated, beliefs that you may have moved on from already:

• Father Christmas
• The Tooth Fairy
• Monsters under the bed
• Fairy tales and other stories

EFT and The Spotlight Process will offer further support on moving on from your limiting beliefs. Everything you need is right here in my first  book Find YOU, Find LOVE, a small price to pay for a major change. What is the cost of holding on to those limiting beliefs?

 

30 May

Our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do

A limiting belief is a thought, or series of thoughts, that stop us from moving forwards in life. Limiting beliefs could be based on past personal experiences or through witnessing the experiences of others.

When we truly grow up

Limiting beliefs also shape the form of our thought patterns, including irrational thinking. We all, at some point, experience limiting beliefs. Until we examine what it is we believe and change any limiting beliefs to a more empowering belief, we are often stuck in the prison of our own thinking.

This is the 3rd in the series of limiting beliefs, you can check out the previous blog posts Part 1 here and Part 2 here

Beliefs have the potential to be changed by cultivating awareness; we can choose what it is we want to believe. Challenging a limiting belief with awareness, effective questioning and using The Spotlight Process and EFT, may seriously improve a person’s sense of self worth, reduce fear, improve confidence, improve communication (internal and external dialogues) and open up all sorts of new and exciting possibilities.

What are your limiting beliefs?

Practical Exercise (10 minutes)

Measuring Limiting Beliefs using The VoC Scale (Validity of Cognition)

To measure the how true a limiting belief may be for you there is a scale called The Validity of Cognition (VoC) Scale which is an individualised measure of beliefs, developed by Francine Shapiro.

Use the VOCSscale to check the percentage of your current self limiting beliefs rating them from a 0 when you have no belief at all and 100 when the belief feels completely true for you.

Read through the list below using the Voc Scale to identify which limiting beliefs are true for you. Fill in the blanks where appropriate and add your own limiting beliefs that have been holding you back from love.

• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of not being loved
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of separation or loss of relationship
• Fear of failure
• Fear of being controlled by another
• Fear of success
• I don’t deserve…..
• I am not worthy of…..
• I’m not lovable
• I’m too……..
• I’m not…..
• I won’t be able to…..
• It’s impossible
• I can’t…..
• Something bad will happen if…..
• What if it doesn’t work out?
• What if I get hurt?
• What if my partner isn’t faithful?
• What if I lose…..?

You may be wondering right now how you can transform your limiting beliefs so here goes:

Part of the process of changing limiting beliefs is cultivating awareness, so that we can distinguish the difference between:

• What we’d like to believe
• What we think we should believe
• What we truly believe.

It is often our limited and negative thinking that holds us back from the things that we seek. Beliefs are often so unconscious that we seldom question them.

With effective self questioning, taking into account:

• When the belief was formed
• Whose belief it is
• If that belief limits us or allows us to grow
• If the beliefs we hold are still appropriate for us

Each of us has a choice and by choosing empowering beliefs about love and relationships, much can be changed in our lives for the better.

In order to change a limiting belief we need to change the internal picture and representation that we have of ourselves, of others and about the world around us, so that over time, our creative subconscious mind recognises new pictures and beliefs as a new reality and filters from a different perspective, instead of looking through dirty windows at the same dirt, we notice things we never saw before or experienced before.

If a limiting belief is based on a lie or is a belief formed by someone else’s opinion, then it is time to change the belief. Challenging a limiting belief and working out where it comes from will provide enormous benefits.

Changing our beliefs offers a renewed sense of freedom and there is a willingness to take new risks once we decide to look at the world through new windows.

Ready to uncover your limiting beliefs and move beyond them check out my full range of services here It will be my pleasure to work with you.

09 Apr

Because it’s all a Matter of Trust

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy ~ Walter Anderson 

  • What does trust mean to you?
  • Who or what comes to mind when you think of not trusting?
  • When has your trust been abused?
  • How hard do you find it to trust others or yourself based on past experience?
  • How will your life change when you are able to trust fully?
  • What are the benefits of trusting?

It’s been an interesting week.  On Monday I sent out a survey related to love and relationships and asked the question ‘what do you struggle with the most when it comes to relationships?’  An interesting theme emerged with over half of the respondents saying trust was their biggest issue on the other side of that was fear.

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Because the content of the survey was confidential I can’t go into the details of what was shared though we can explore further the issue of trust in general terms and it all comes down to the perceptions and beliefs we place on things.  Whether those beliefs be about men, women, people generally, organisations, government, religions etc,  it’s the meaning we place on people and events that will either make us trust or distrust.

It would probably be fair to say that those of you reading this have experienced either having your trust abused or not being trusted at some point in your life.

When it comes to trusting in love and relationships our past experiences become our filter and depending on the aspects of the past we may go on to believe our relationships will be not fulfilling, long lasting, fair or even trustworthy.  We literally take our past experience and project it into the future. I sometimes call this ‘mud slinging’.

Another example of not trusting might be a restaurant making a mistake with your bill total and charging too much.  You may never visit again or will check your bill every time you do.  You form a belief about what will happen which limits you tasting the delicious food or enjoying the ambience and good service.  You didn’t get what you expected therefore you might not trust them enough with your hard earnt cash to go back and have that extra order of garlic bread ~ with cheese! You are denying yourself of future pleasure because of a past experience.

It’s the same with relationships.  if you’ve been let down in the past by someone you trusted, it’s possible the residue of being hurt is still there for you and in new relationships you might find the need to keep checking your partner can be trusted.  This could come down to checking their social media accounts, their phone, their car and snooping on them.  As well as it being an invasion of privacy,  It really isn’t healthy to do this as you’re not trusting who you are is worth loving and you are!

growing from the past

The past need not repeat itself.  Being aware of the past is helpful but living in the past is limiting you too.  Let yourself be loved by trusting fully whatever happens, you’re still a worthwhile, beautiful and lovable person.

It’s natural to want to have the evidence you can trust someone but not trusting them or yourself is the beginning of the end.  From now on, every day look for evidence you can trust.

You can trust your alarm to go off, your kettle to boil, your body to function, your car to start, day to turn to night.  Look for evidence in your life of trust you have with others including your close friends, your colleagues who you open up to, the person at the bus stop you might tell your life story to.  Trust is everywhere, look for it, not for lack of it and more of the lovely stuff will show up.

Notice what you partner does, which indicates they can be trustednot what they don’t do.  Notice the qualities and attributes you have which make you a great catch!

Even though i’m a love and relationship consultant,  I write about this topic not from an expert point of view but through personal experience.  In my early relationships, i’ve driven people away from not trusting.  I may as well have worn the t-shirt ‘don’t come near me, I won’t trust you’.  I was my own worst enemy.

Even when significant others have told me ‘I love you’, I chose not to believe them.  I spent a good part of my life believing I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc and had the underlying belief ‘I’m not lovable’. 

Now that i’ve worked through where my abandonment issues came from i’ve been able to reflect back and understand why I wasn’t trusting and have been able to move out of fear and into love.

  • If you find yourself not trusting because you fear the past repeating itself, you’re not alone.  So many people don’t trust as it seems like a safe bet but actually you’re only limiting yourself from having an amazing relationship 
  • If you believe you’re not good enough you may even keep attracting, not good enough relationships and settling for second best.  Who you are is good enough and always has been.  The circumstances of your life need not shape your future. 
  • If you find yourself doubting your relationships will last, the doubt will creep in and grow.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life and an opportunity to build trust and in doing so create for yourself a happier future

If you really want to learn to trust again, the inner work begins with you.  I can share with you the tools and techniques which moved me from a snooping undercover detective to someone who trusts that whoever I meet whether it is on a new friendship, getting to know colleagues or investing fully in significant other relationships.  I trust totally and completely whatever I learn will be perfect for my self development.  I believe who I am is worthy and lovable regardless of what others say or do, this can be your experience too.

Who you are is so worth loving and when you trust yourself enough to believe in this the relationship you have with you and others changes.

Check out the free love and relationship resources including two audio downloads at http://www.wendyfry.com .  Be sure to download free from my website, the chapter on limiting beliefs from my first book Find You, Find LOVE  Helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems.

Trust is the glue of life.  It’s the most essential ingredient of effective communication.  It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships – Stephen Covey

From my heart to yours, with love,

x Wendy

 

 

07 Mar

The Spotlight Process – bringing balance to your thinking

Having worked therapeutically with many clients over the years, I have seen how people were limiting themselves, their love and relationship goals because of their negative thinking.

They were either spending too much time thinking about the past, focusing entirely on current problems, or projecting catastrophic and disabling fears into the future.

I developed The Spotlight Process TM to help you acknowledge where you have been spending most of your thought time and will guide you to work out where your thoughts may be out of balance and how to change them.

The Past is Over

 

Where have you been shining your spotlight?

past figure

Are you stuck in the past thinking about all the things you regret not having done?

Do you feel angry and bitter about your choices?

Do you wish you have your life all over again wishing you knew back then what you know now?

present figure

 

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about your current problems, feeling like there’s no way out?

Do you feel overwhelmed, bogged down, fed up and tired of life?

future figure

Are you constantly evaluating, judging and filtering for all the things that could go wrong for you in the future?

Are you scared of taking risks and things going wrong?

Do you find it hard to trust, to live, to love?

 

The Spotlight Process

Now is the perfect time to apply The Spotlight Process to your own life simply by examining your thoughts.

  • Wherever you are at this moment, I invite you to think about a spotlight and the light that shines from it. Whether you see it, sense it or imagine it, think about that spotlight right now.  This ray of light could be a light in the form a torch, a lighthouse, a stage spotlight. Whatever spotlight comes to mind is perfect for you.

 

  • Think of this ray of light as a ray of your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This light can shine back into your past, ahead to your future or into this very moment.

 

  • This is your spotlight. You are in control of shining the light. You are the director of where you narrow your beam and what you choose to illuminate and think about.  Whatever you shine your light on, you will experience.

 

  • Using The Spotlight Process consider where you have been spending most of your thought time?
  1. Past?
  2. Present?
  3. Future?
  • Examine your thoughts & feelings about past are they positive or negative?

 

  • How you feel about the present?

 

  • Consider what concerns and fears you have about the future?

Using this process you will gain insights into what has been holding you back from achieving your goals

Ready to find out more about The Spotlight Process and how you can use it to transform your life check out the full process in my latest book Find YOU, Find LOVE

If you’d like to connect with me and work in person I’d love to hear from you.