09 Apr

Because it’s all a Matter of Trust

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy ~ Walter Anderson 

  • What does trust mean to you?
  • Who or what comes to mind when you think of not trusting?
  • When has your trust been abused?
  • How hard do you find it to trust others or yourself based on past experience?
  • How will your life change when you are able to trust fully?
  • What are the benefits of trusting?

It’s been an interesting week.  On Monday I sent out a survey related to love and relationships and asked the question ‘what do you struggle with the most when it comes to relationships?’  An interesting theme emerged with over half of the respondents saying trust was their biggest issue on the other side of that was fear.

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Because the content of the survey was confidential I can’t go into the details of what was shared though we can explore further the issue of trust in general terms and it all comes down to the perceptions and beliefs we place on things.  Whether those beliefs be about men, women, people generally, organisations, government, religions etc,  it’s the meaning we place on people and events that will either make us trust or distrust.

It would probably be fair to say that those of you reading this have experienced either having your trust abused or not being trusted at some point in your life.

When it comes to trusting in love and relationships our past experiences become our filter and depending on the aspects of the past we may go on to believe our relationships will be not fulfilling, long lasting, fair or even trustworthy.  We literally take our past experience and project it into the future. I sometimes call this ‘mud slinging’.

Another example of not trusting might be a restaurant making a mistake with your bill total and charging too much.  You may never visit again or will check your bill every time you do.  You form a belief about what will happen which limits you tasting the delicious food or enjoying the ambience and good service.  You didn’t get what you expected therefore you might not trust them enough with your hard earnt cash to go back and have that extra order of garlic bread ~ with cheese! You are denying yourself of future pleasure because of a past experience.

It’s the same with relationships.  if you’ve been let down in the past by someone you trusted, it’s possible the residue of being hurt is still there for you and in new relationships you might find the need to keep checking your partner can be trusted.  This could come down to checking their social media accounts, their phone, their car and snooping on them.  As well as it being an invasion of privacy,  It really isn’t healthy to do this as you’re not trusting who you are is worth loving and you are!

growing from the past

The past need not repeat itself.  Being aware of the past is helpful but living in the past is limiting you too.  Let yourself be loved by trusting fully whatever happens, you’re still a worthwhile, beautiful and lovable person.

It’s natural to want to have the evidence you can trust someone but not trusting them or yourself is the beginning of the end.  From now on, every day look for evidence you can trust.

You can trust your alarm to go off, your kettle to boil, your body to function, your car to start, day to turn to night.  Look for evidence in your life of trust you have with others including your close friends, your colleagues who you open up to, the person at the bus stop you might tell your life story to.  Trust is everywhere, look for it, not for lack of it and more of the lovely stuff will show up.

Notice what you partner does, which indicates they can be trustednot what they don’t do.  Notice the qualities and attributes you have which make you a great catch!

Even though i’m a love and relationship consultant,  I write about this topic not from an expert point of view but through personal experience.  In my early relationships, i’ve driven people away from not trusting.  I may as well have worn the t-shirt ‘don’t come near me, I won’t trust you’.  I was my own worst enemy.

Even when significant others have told me ‘I love you’, I chose not to believe them.  I spent a good part of my life believing I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc and had the underlying belief ‘I’m not lovable’. 

Now that i’ve worked through where my abandonment issues came from i’ve been able to reflect back and understand why I wasn’t trusting and have been able to move out of fear and into love.

  • If you find yourself not trusting because you fear the past repeating itself, you’re not alone.  So many people don’t trust as it seems like a safe bet but actually you’re only limiting yourself from having an amazing relationship 
  • If you believe you’re not good enough you may even keep attracting, not good enough relationships and settling for second best.  Who you are is good enough and always has been.  The circumstances of your life need not shape your future. 
  • If you find yourself doubting your relationships will last, the doubt will creep in and grow.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life and an opportunity to build trust and in doing so create for yourself a happier future

If you really want to learn to trust again, the inner work begins with you.  I can share with you the tools and techniques which moved me from a snooping undercover detective to someone who trusts that whoever I meet whether it is on a new friendship, getting to know colleagues or investing fully in significant other relationships.  I trust totally and completely whatever I learn will be perfect for my self development.  I believe who I am is worthy and lovable regardless of what others say or do, this can be your experience too.

Who you are is so worth loving and when you trust yourself enough to believe in this the relationship you have with you and others changes.

Check out the free love and relationship resources including two audio downloads at http://www.wendyfry.com .  Be sure to download free from my website, the chapter on limiting beliefs from my first book Find You, Find LOVE  Helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems.

Trust is the glue of life.  It’s the most essential ingredient of effective communication.  It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships – Stephen Covey

From my heart to yours, with love,

x Wendy