08 Nov

Your Mind is Amazing!

Your mind is amazing!

It’s a complete storehouse of information that you have gathered throughout your life from birth to now.

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We store information through our senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and through feelings)

Our minds can be compared to enormous filing cabinets or hard drives storing various movies that contain the good, bad and ugly experiences from out pasts.

Just imagine your mind as this enormous warehouse storing your own personal past.

What movies do you have archived away?

Which movies bring up fear, anger, sadness, bitterness and pain, putting you in a state of dis-ease?

These films are like taped conversations playing over in your head or an endless series of thoughts, feelings and emotions moving through you.

Although an event happened in the past we might re-live it a thousand times over by thinking about it, re-experiencing it like it was actually happening all over again.

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• Which personal movies of yours are on constant replay?

• How often do you wake up and go to sleep with an old movie still running?

• How does this affect you emotionally and physically?

• What do you want instead?

These movies often represent a constant flow of negative experiences that we’ve been through (the voice of our inner critic/voice of doom, like a parasite that eats away at us from the inside and a voice we start to believe in and feelings that we think are real).

We replay over and over the same movies and the same story, until story becomes engrained.

The movie or inner story then becomes a default behaviour that we respond to when presented with a situation that is like one we have experienced before and triggers off what we believe to be true.

Most of what we react to has very little to do with a new experience and everything to do with past experiences (old movies)

What a liberation to realise that ‘the voice in my head’ is not who I am. ‘Who am I, then? The One who sees that – Eckhart Tolle

Head F**k

Pardon my language here, though I feel it needs to be said.  What we allow into our minds and what we play over and over really does leave us feeling f**ked at times.

Think back to the past and remember a time when you spent all day worrying over something.  Perhaps you experienced sleepless nights and upset stomach?  Were you, smoking or drinking too much to help you cope?

We are our own worst enemies, re-living arguments from decades ago, complaining about the weather, our partners, the rate of inflation, the youngsters of today, the state of the health service, our fears for the future….I’m exhausted just typing this up and this is what our thoughts can do to us.

We cling onto negative feelings, thoughts and emotions not realising that it’s us that suffers.

We become addicted to talking about all the things wrong with life seldom coming up for air.

  • How often do you feel overwhelmed emotionally?
  • What happens to your physical body when your thought time is filled up with worrying thoughts?
  • What are your energy levels like when your focus is on what’s wrong going wrong for you?
  • What happens to your sleep pattern?
  • How is your daily diet and digestion affected?
  • What do you actually gain by going over and over events from the past, ranting, complaining, moaning and perhaps even nagging?

If you want a happier life, more connected relationships, greater confidence and good health read on.

Unless we gain control over our minds we really will be F****d! 

Remember, you are not your thoughts!

In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first – Jimi hendrix

 

Practical Exercise – Mind Dump: Freeing the mind one thought at a time

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Find yourself a note book or better still a lovely big pad of A4 paper and grab yourself a pen.  You’re literally going to dump out what’s in your mind freehand.

There’s nothing more liberating than setting yourself free from the ‘poop’ from the past that you’ve been holding onto. 

For this mind dump activity, I suggest that you do it first thing in the morning, last thing at night and whenever you feel emotionally overwhelmed.

If you’re dumping a lot that’s good – better out than in!

There’s nothing complicated about the activity you simply write out what’s on your mind un-censored.  Let rip and have a good old rant on paper, really say what you want to say, nothing is banned here, only you will see it.

You may have several topics that you write about such as people or outside circumstances that are causing you stress.

Write about your worries, concerns, fears, doubts, injustices, anxieties, frustrations, uncertainties etc.

Just write what comes into your head and allow yourself the freedom to voice your thoughts.

Write until you can no longer think of what to write.  Get it all out!

The more frequently you do the mind dump exercise the less you will find you have to think about and in turn the less you will have to write.

You will feel better for doing this exercise on a regular basis and feeing your mind.

No one else has had to hear your rants, you haven’t gone into the same story over and over in the day telling everyone you know what you’re going through, making them feel f****d too, you simply write and get it all out freely and easily.

If you need to cry do, get some extra soft tissues and make sure to give yourself some TLC (Tender Loving Care) as you work through freeing your mind.

Things can only get better from here on in.

The primary cause of our unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it –Eckhart Tolle

The Past is Over and You Have Your Whole Life Ahead of You

When we begin to realise that the past is over and it’s purely our thinking keeping it alive, we gain a sense of freedom.

No one ‘thinks us’. 

We wake up and realise that we do in fact have ownership over of the power of our own minds and that we can choose how we react and respond to life’s ups and downs.

If you need some help in finding clarity, support in working through your poop and making the rest of your life the best of your life I will be delighted to work with you please do make contact at info@wendyfry.com

For general therapy & support http://www.bepositive.me.uk

For love and relationship support http://www.wendyfry.com

18 Oct

Why Crying is Good For You…

When was the last time you had a good cry?

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It never ceases to amaze me how someone crying might make others feel uncomfortable. They might rush in saying things like:

  • Don’t cry
  • Pull yourself together
  • Don’t let anyone see you crying
  • It’s weak to cry
  • Don’t get upset

As children we may have been told things like:

  • Don’t be a cry baby
  • Be a big a big boy/girl
  • Grow-up
  • Pansy and other inappropriate name calling
  • You’re pathetic
  • Stop snivelling

It’s not long before we internalise all these negative messages and beliefs about why we shouldn’t cry!

The truth is our bodies are designed to release stress and build up of toxins through the secretion of tears.  It’s actually healthy to cry.

Perhaps you have found a way to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ on your feelings keeping everything in, or maybe you are like me when you are in shock or deeply saddened, you too might shed a bucket load of tears.

If we continually keep emotions in we might find ourselves ‘imploding’ and this continual build up of stress and unexpressed emotions might lead to depression, low mood, sleeplessness, anxiety and a whole host of symptoms where the body tries other ways to release the build up of emotions.

Feeling like we can’t express ourselves in the moment we might also find ourselves exploding in anger and rage at the most inappropriate time.

When you next cry and someone tells you not to, it might be interesting to ask them ”what is it about my tears, that makes you uncomfortable?”

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Your tears, upset and emotions may well evoke in someone else the unresolved emotions they have not released, triggering off their own sadness, loss, grief, anger and the full range of human emotions that we all experience.

There is a lovely scientific study right here if you’re interested in finding out more about the different types of tears and why it’s healthy to release emotional tears.

In my work as a therapist, I have seen grown men, women and children cry.  In our work together, they are given the space and freedom to cry , encouraged to express the emotions that have been held in and allowed to vent what they are feeling.  Often the unresolved emotions go as far back as childhood when they were fist told not to cry.

There are a range of techniques I offer to aid emotional release though right here in this moment, the first step to coming to tems with how you feel is to join me in saying aloud.

  • I give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling
  • It’s okay for me to have these emotions
  • I allow myself to work through what I’m feeling

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Whenever your emotions surface unexpectedly repeat these statements to see you through, grab yourself some soft tissues and allow yourself to cry.

If you need a safe space to work through what you’re feeling, a place where you will be heard and supported I welcome you to make contact.  I offer a range of support programmes to suit your individual needs.

If you need help in coming to terms with love and relationships contact me here 

For general therapeutic support you can find out more here 

Remember crying is good for you. 

As ever, from my heart to yours with love,

X Wendy

01 Sep

Why saying no might be the best thing you’ve ever done!

How often do you find yourself agreeing to things when inside you’re screaming NO!

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Who do you find yourself saying yes to, when you already know you’re going to feel resentful about doing what’s asked of you?

When do you put others needs ahead of your own only to suffer the consequences of stress, anger, self sacrifice or burnout? 

What stops you speaking your truth and stating, what’s asked of you isn’t possible?

Saying NO, those two little letters and one short word has so much stigma attached to it.

Rather than thinking about ‘The Power of Now’, which by the way is a great read, The Power of NO, really could be a best seller if we each got a little more used to speaking our truth and saying no instead of yes!

If you’ve been feeling put on, there is no need to go into fight mode with guns a blazing, or have an out and our war with someone who places unfair demands on you, saying no can be done diplomatically and with care.

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Perhaps many of you like myself were bought up to think of others first, not to be selfish, not to say what you mean and mean what you say but to be polite and be a yes person!

For me, being a yes person has felt like the equivalent of being a nodding dog (those cute little plastic dogs with heads that nod up and down as the car moves) There is only so much nodding you can do until overwhelm reaches peak and you take time to stop and smell the roses, realising that something has to change!

All change is good, it may not be evident at first as to what positive changes might come as a result of saying no, though at least you will be speaking your truth and being true to you!

It only takes one person to change a behaviour and saying no when you’d normally say yes will be the behaviour change that makes a difference to you!

Speaking honestly may take strength and courage if your behaviour and interactions have always been to give to others, though unless you change how you respond to other peoples demands, the situation won’t change.

There are many ways to make a change and this is best done when you’re feeling calm.

You might consider sitting and speaking with that person. scheduling in a call, or writing a letter that you sleep on before posting.

Shouting your head of in the heat of the moment seldom creates a positive benefit though speaking with clear communication about how you feel is always a good start.

  • Who would you really like to tell that what is being asked of you is too much?
  • What frustrations have you been keeping to yourself that you’d really like to air?
  • In what way do you personally suffer as a result of continually saying yes to a certain person?
  • How has this pattern of responding to others needs before your own shaped your life? 
  • When is the problem at it’s worst?
  • What changes do you want to make in order to improve your relationship with this person?
  • How can you communicate what you want to say in a way that’s non blaming (remember you have willingly or unwittingly been feeding a dual behaviour)
  • What do you hope to gain by having the conversation (be clear of the outcome)

For me saying no to others means saying yes to me! And that’s called ‘Self care’ not selfish! 

If someone is constantly asking you to give up your time when you have a million others things to do, simply say ‘it’s not possible for me to help you, perhaps there is someone else you can ask’

When you really don’t want to do something an easy answer might be ‘that’s not my thing, though I hope you enjoy it’

If others ask for free advice and information you can point them in the direction of the people you invested in to elevate your own success.

When family or friends call in the middle of supper or as your climbing into bed with a drama they want to share, let them know ‘now isn’t a good time’.

Set boundaries with those who you feel are taking advantage of you.  Let those who don’t respect you know you have your own life, your own goals to achieve and your own plans.

It might hurt them when you say no but that’s really about them not getting their own way and nothing to do with you.

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re being nasty, uncaring or selfish, it simply means you’re being real and letting others know what is and isn’t okay for you.

You no longer need to be weighed down or overwhelmed with demands being made on you.

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When you set boundaries, you have an opportunity to improve relationships, or perhaps the person will move on making demands on others if you’re not available.

Friendships might end and relationship dynamics might change though you will be able to see how you have only been in that person’s life to fulfil their needs.

The way forward……

  • Re-affirm with others the dates and times you might be free to help them out
  • Voice what is okay and not okay for you
  • Let the people who are close to you know you love them, though you have some projects on the go and won’t be so immediately available to them 
  • Communicate as far as possible with love and positive intention expressing the outcome you would like
  • If a parent is ageing and you’re not available to do odd jobs and help out, work towards finding a solution and hiring help so you spend quality time together
  • When you find yourself on constant baby sitting duty at weekends and you want to be out enjoying yourself, let those you love know you will be free the last weekend of the month not every weekend
  • If your workload is building up schedule some time to speak with your manager, ask for help in prioritising what’s urgent, non urgent or can be passed to someone else
  • Catch yourself when you are about to say yes.  Create some holding space and say ‘I’ll think about it’, or ‘I don’t feel I’m the right person for this’, ‘it’s not convenient right now’ etc

There will always be someone else who can help out, it doesn’t all have to fall on your shoulders, unless you want it to.

My advise is if you’re doing anything resentfully and without love, have that conversation.

Share your truth, how you feel and what resolution you would like to work towards.

You never know…by saying NO!  You may well improve your relationships tenfold. 

If you need some help in working through setting boundaries in love or platonic relationships check out my book Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT

You might like to work with me on a VIP Day where you will have the opportunity to discuss why saying No in your relationships will improve the relationship with yourself.  We will work together to make the rest of your life the very best of your life.

Remember The Power of NO!

Let your yes be yes and your no be no NOW!

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