23 May

Limiting Beliefs and Lifetime Issues

In childhood we form many beliefs, in fact childhood represents a huge percentage of our overall life experience.

The experiences we have growing up contribute to our inner dialogue and we may often tell ourselves that we are at fault in some way for whatever went wrong in our early years, even though this assumption was based on false information or a misguided perception.

Creating our own prisons

If you want to back track and read the start of the series of blog posts about limiting beliefs go here

Limiting core beliefs are the driving force in our lives and reflect our deepest vulnerabilities and pain and it’s from the younger part of ourselves that we react from. Often our limiting core beliefs are what distance us from believing we are lovable and open to receiving love. Operating from the negative parts of ourselves, we cannot see the positives and opportunities available to us.

Working through these beliefs will bring more balance to your life and allow you the opportunity for personal transformation. This section supports you in gathering together the negative messages you heard about yourself or others growing up, the abuses, the traumas, and the conflicts. We have all had these kinds of experiences growing up and are affected in different ways. Giving a voice to our feelings and experiences, no matter how old we are now, gives us a new sense of liberation, a sense of empowerment and an opportunity to put the past in the past once and for all.

Discovering limiting beliefs, behaviours, thoughts and emotions

Here is a list of limiting beliefs that you may have formed about yourself, life and love relationships.

Life issues related to core beliefs come from the perception of success, love, belonging, self worth, control, security, reality and reason.

Core beliefs often grow stronger rather than weaker (as we are filtering for perceived evidence to back up the false belief)

Practical Exercise (10 minutes)

Work through this list and record which limiting beliefs are true for you:

I’m unlovable

I can’t do it

I’m flawed/imperfect

I’m unwanted

I’m different

I Don’t matter

I’m bad I’m unforgivable

I must be approved of

Something bad will happen

Something must change for me to be ok

I’m powerless

The world is dangerous

I’m helpless

Life is hopeless

People take advantage

I must be perfect

I must be in control

I don’t belong

I’m not good enough

I can’t trust anyone

I’m a failure

I’m insignificant

I’m shameful

I’m a mistake

I’m helpless

I’m not special enough

I’m invisible

I’m guilty

I’m not interesting

I’m unworthy

I’m undeserving

I’m worthless

I’m incapable

I’m misunderstood

I’m abandoned

I will be betrayed

I’m unproductive

I’m unattractive

I’m Incompetent

I’m a failure

I’m a victim

I’m a burden

I’m dumb

I’m used

I’m alone

I’m bad

I’m guilty

I’m sinful

I’m confused

I’m trapped

I’m unlovable

I’m powerless

I’m inferior

I’m separated from God

I’m un-teachable

I’m vulnerable

I’m stupid

I’m weak I can’t get it right

I’m vulnerable

I’m unsuccessful

I’m ugly

I can’t say no

I can’t stand up for myself

I don’t belong

I should not be here at all

I’m afraid

I’m fat

I’m unattractive

I’m left out I don’t deserve to be loved

Global Issues

Global issues relate to people who you may have had negative experiences with in your life and who have contributed negatively to your concept and beliefs about yourself:
Mother/Father Religious Institutions

Societal influence Brothers/Sisters

Extended family/step family

Teachers/School/College

Other relationships

The good news is, beliefs aren’t permanent and can be changed

Beliefs are nothing more than empowering or limiting thoughts. The beliefs we choose to give our attention to, guide our actions, behaviours and circumstances. Our core beliefs were developed at a time when we were children, when we had minimal ability to reason and think rationally for ourselves. The beliefs that were handed down to us were formed by our parents, mentors, teachers, environment and culture.

Core beliefs form the picture we paint of ourselves, a portrait of our own abilities, our worth, flaws, strengths and our relationships with others and with the world. Our beliefs establish the limits of what we think we can, or can’t, achieve.

We behave in ways consistent with our beliefs and values. Our beliefs impact on much of what we do, the thoughts we think, our feelings and our physical symptoms. We delete, distort and generalise information by forming an intricate filter of opinions, emotions and memories and we only notice what we think supports the existing belief.

Working through your limiting beliefs may bring up a range of emotions.  Please go to www.wendyfry.com/book/resources and download your free EFT Tapping Chart and EFT Process to work through any emotions associated with these limiting beliefs.  If you need any further support in working 1-2-1 please do make contact via my website.

Changing your beliefs puts you back in control of living your life with passion and purpose!

16 Nov

Get out of your head and into your heart

The world seems to be waking up and more and more people are turning to alternative ways of living, alternative ways to healing and alternative ways to being.

I do believe that in the next 100 years, major changes in how we care for ourselves and others as research becomes exponential, it will change not only our lives as these methods are revealed but also have the potential to positively change and influence the lives of our ancestors.

As stress becomes a major factor in people’s lives and ill health prevails, it’s as though ‘getting as low as we can go’ is the wakeup call many of us need to start to re-evaluate life and to work out what’s important and what’s not.

According to the HSE, the total number of cases of work-related stress, depression or anxiety in 2013/14 was 487000 cases (39%) out of a total of 1 241000 cases of all work related stress illnesses.

The 45-54 age groups had the highest incidence rate of all persons. The breakdown of mental ill health by precipitating event 2011-2013 includes Traumatic Events, Other Events, Home-Work Interface, Personal development, Changes at Work, Interpersonal Relationships and factors Intrinsic to the Job.

The breakdown of mental ill health by diagnosis 2011-2013 includes PTSD, Other Stress Symptoms, Alcohol & Drug Abuse, Other Diagnoses, Anxiety & Depression, Other Stress.
The full stats of the research can be found at www.hse.gov.uk/statistics/causdis/stress/

I encourage you to reduce any stressors and make positive changes to your life and health as soon as possible.

Tomorrow isn’t promised!

The Institute of HeartMath are leaders in the area of heart based research having spent over two decades exploring heart coherence and the role of positive emotions.

‘Science of the Heart’ is Institute of HeartMath’s signature work and quotes ‘’Coherence is the state when the heart, mind and emotions are in energetic alignment and cooperation’’

It’s no surprise when we connect with our heart space that we are able to bring heart, mind and emotions into balance.

Hands, hearts sky

The benefits of getting into our hearts and out of our heads,  reduces stress, builds resilience and allows our bodies to heal more quickly from symptoms of ill health. Long and short term memory is also improved allowing increased ability to focus and process information.

Compassion focused meditations, breathing exercises, listening to uplifting music and keeping a daily gratitude and appreciation diary allow for positive emotions to increase, taking us back to our hearts.

Positive emotions, thoughts and feelings all contribute to being more heart centred.

I would encourage you to explore and research in this area for yourself if you wish to understand more about heart centred living www.heartmath.org

Getting out of your head and into your heart will aid in balancing  high stress situations.  Making it part of your daily routine will benefit on many levels such as lowering blood pressure, having more meaningful relationships, increasing work performance as well as being able to react and respond to life in a calmer manner generally.

When you’re ready to take action, invest in yourself and want to learn the various tools and techniques to reduce stress, manage your emotions and become more heart centred, please do make contact.  I have a range of therapeutic and holistic support strategies at www.bepositive.me.uk as well as offering specific love and relationship support  www.wendyfry.com

Remember the emphasis on the heart. The mind lives in doubt the heart lives in trust. When you trust, suddenly you become connected – Osho

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From my heart to yours, with love,

X Wendy

21 Jun

Fathers and Daughters

It’s Fathers Day today here in the UK.

This just happens to be my favourite picture of my dad and I, back in 1999.

dad wedding

What does the word father bring up for you?

How will you spend today?  

Will you be celebrating your father, reminiscing over times gone by if your father is no longer with you?

Perhaps it’s a day where you feel nothing at all?

In my work as an Emotional Health, Love & Relationship Consultant I will ask my clients what was their relationship like growing up with their family of origin or caregivers.

Many had happy and idyllic childhoods where they were nurtured, loved, supported and encouraged  by their natural parents.

Some have very specific memories of happy times with their fathers and key moments of connection and love.

Others share with me that they do not even know who their birth father is or were abandoned at an early age.

Many adult children still hold a sense of not belonging and question their identity and wonder if they take after their fathers.

Often there is much anger present and have limiting beliefs of ‘not being good enough’, ‘not being lovable’ or ‘worthy enough’.

These limiting beliefs may continue right through their adult lives leaving a trail of broken and unhappy relationships behind them.

What part of what I’ve shared here so far resonates with your own personal story?

The past has a lot to answer to as does our earliest models about love, loving and being lovable if they do not help us flourish.

For some of the people I have worked with, their fathers have passed away and there is a sense of regret that perhaps they they never spent much time together, or they wish they’d said or done more to show their love.

Many have step-fathers as male role models and have gained an a additional dad or two along the way.

I’ve also worked with children and teenagers that have had lots of different ‘uncles’ in their lives with different rules and an array of demands made on them.

Being a child and learning about love isn’t easy and I know now as an adult that being a father isn’t either.

Having worked through my own limiting beliefs and spent thousands of client hours helping others work through theirs, I see a pattern related to unhelpful comments and experiences in childhood.

As a result I specialise in working with people come to terms with difficult relationships and realising that whatever their past relationship experiences that who they are is so worth loving!

I’m so pleased I had the foresight to save this poem my dad sent in a card on 18th birthday.

It has helped me to understand that sometimes we cannot help who we love and that we do all indeed deserve love.

Butterfly Card Dad 0001

My Story

I share my story to let you know that you can use your past experiences to excel and achieve.

The pain of the past need not be used to build up a brick wall of protection in fact your past experiences can be the foundation and the stepping stones for you to reach new heights in your personal and professional life. 

I wouldn’t change my past for a thing as it’s lead me to being who I am and given me the insights into family dynamics and the absolute privilege to work with others who need to understand themselves and how their own perceptions of experiences have shaped their lives.

How I learnt about love…

My dad left our family home when I was twelve, came back and left again when I was fifteen.  It was devastating at the time as my mum was suicidal, we moved house, I changed schools and I gained a new step dad, step mum and a whole extended family by the time I was sixteen.

Now as an adult I understand why my dad left, he simply felt unloved by my mum for many years within their twenty three years together.

It took me such a long time to understand that even though my dad left, he wasn’t rejecting me, he hadn’t stopped loving me and I hadn’t done anything wrong.  It was merely my perception as a teenager which led me to forming beliefs about myself that were untrue.  I ran that pattern of believing I was unlovable right up until my thirties.

Although many years of my life felt painful because of this belief, I now know that perhaps this was the experience I was indeed meant to have for my own self-actualisation.

There is a happy ending and my dad is re married to my now step mum.  He’s very happy and I’d go as far as saying even after thirty plus years being married with her, they are still very much in love.  I’m happy that he’s happy and that’s all we can want for others and for ourselves.

Everyone deserves happiness and even if we don’t understand the why’s and the wherefores at the time, we  begin to learn as adults that our parents were doing the best that they could while in the midst of their own personal challenges.

Whatever your relationship with your father if you feel unhappy in any way about the connection that you did or didn’t have.  It’s never to late to change the past, we simply change the future!

To gain some personal insights into your beliefs , you might like to work through this series of questions.

  • What negative beliefs about yourself are you still holding onto that in some way are connected with your father?
  • How do your beliefs about love and relationships impact your own relationships?
  • How do you limit a potentially good relationship happening because of your past experiences and projected fears? 
  • How would letting go of these beliefs benefit you?

I could write heaps more on the subject of love and relationships though you may prefer to download for free Chapter 3 ‘Beliefs’ from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE

I also offer a service called Future Life Progression where you can connect in a future lifetime with your loved one and say the thinks you didn’t say before their passing.

There is always an opportunity to transform your past and use it to your best advantage!

This picture if from the front of the card my dad sent.

Butterfly Card0007

Learning about love creates personal freedom and who you are is so worth loving.  

Know it, feel it, experience it.  

You are the butterfly, set yourself free form the past and be ready to live life.  

You are the creator of your future and the legacy you leave behind through learning…

As ever, from my heart to yours with love x

Please do make contact for personal support in person in Sutton, Surrey, UK or internationally over Skype info@wendyfry.com | Love and Relationship Support

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14 Mar

A Mother’s Love

As Mother’s day approaches I know that for many of you this will bring up mixed emotions.

For some there will be love and a feeling of closeness and connection and for others perhaps a sense of loss or disconnect depending on the status of your relationship with your mum.

Both a good friend of mine and my dad lost their mothers when they were children.  I can only imagine how devastating this must have been to have learned of the death at such an early age and a relationship taken away before it was fully able to develop fully into adulthood.

We grieve not only the loss of a person physically, we also we grieve the relationship we never had and would have liked to have had.

grieving

We are all born into the world by a mother.  We may have been planned, unplanned, wanted, unwanted and in some instances as I have found in my work with women there have also been occasions where intimacy has not been consented to, this also resulting in pregnancy.

Some of us may have been fortunate to grow up with mothers and experienced a sense of love, nurture and acceptance.  For others they may have been fostered, adopted or bought up in homes or orphanages.  For some of us, perhaps our grandparents or other family members bought us up and became the figure for a mother in our lives. We also need to consider step mothers too at whatever age they come into our lives as a ‘mother role’.

I’m not a mum so I speak from my own experience and those that my clients haves shared with me and I can only imagine how difficult motherhood can be at times and the range of emotions that go with it.

Many women have shared with me that they loose a ‘sense of self’, personal identity and ‘time to just be’ when they become a mum.  Others report not having the career they wanted or the life they wanted to live because of motherhood.  Many feel that their life is over rather than having a sense that life has just began as they bring new life into the world.

For me there have been times when I’ve turned to other’s for the love, support and acceptance I have needed growing up.  As a teenager I lived with my nan as things were fraught at home.

I feel like a big chunk of my life I have been chasing for a mother’s love that has not been available.  Can you relate to that at all?

There have been times when I’ve wanted to be held, comforted, soothed, listened to, encouraged, loved, cherished and told that I can achieve anything I want to because I am good enough, worthy, lovable, wanted.  For me this hasn’t been provided by the source I was seeking it from (my mother) and at the age of 48 I’ve gained the acceptance that this won’t change now.  Despite a child’s longing inside a grown woman for a love never truly given I’ve seen it for what it is and that’s the relationship we have in the shape that it is, however dysfunctional  that might be.

I now have an understanding that I wasn’t wanted, that my mother’s dreams of going into nursing were not fulfilled because of me, that my mother’s depression and lack of self belief all added to the melting pot of bringing a child into the world in a half hearted way. There is no blame here at all, it is what it is and I accept that children can make our lives better or worse. I do not regret knowing this, in fact it’s made me stronger and more determined in my life.  I am totally able to look after my own needs as an adult and you can too regardless of whether or not you have a mothers love.

Have you ever been told by your mum that she went along with having children as it was someone else’s idea? Have you been told that you weren’t wanted, an accident, a mistake?

How has having that knowledge shaped your life, your sense of self belief, your feeling of worth and love-ability?

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

I’ve worked with many people both male and female who have needed help understanding who they are, why they are here and how they can live their lives without their mothers love.  It’s such a delicate area to work in and it’s such a joy to see those that I support move on beyond feeling worthless and unwanted to gain a greater sense of self acceptance.

As animals we are adaptive creatures, we adapt to our environment and the people in it. I have learnt to adapt and seek nurture and love from different sources.  I have the most amazing friends who I know at the drop of a hat would be there for me in the middle of the night.  I have a love of nature that sooth’s and calms me.  I write a lot which gives me freedom of expression. I engage with others who are supportive of my goals and dreams.  Most of all I have learnt to love myself and to provide for myself the needs that I have.

What can you do for yourself that nurtures you?  Soothes you?  Comforts you? 

The little girl inside me has grown up, she looks through new eyes and knows that regardless of another person’s lack of love that they have their reasons why and that is their stuff, not mine.  That little girl now knows that who she is is lovable, worthy and whole just as she is.

You are that little girl or little boy and I promise you that whatever your past who you are is so worth loving.

Be sure to nurture and love the child inside you, she still exists

Where do you fit in when it comes to a mothers love?

  • Do you/did you have a happy and fulfilling relationship with your mum? 
  • What memories come to mind when you think of your mum.  Are they positive or negative memories?
  • Are you/were you able to be all of who you are with her?
  • Are you/were you loved, accepted and approved of?
  • Do you/did you feel heard, understood and respected in your relationship with her?
  • How often do you see or speak to your mum.  How do those conversations and meetings leave you feeling?
  • What would you change if you could  change anything in your relationship with you mum, past or present?
  • What have you been seeking that you have not found in your relationship with you mum?
  • Can you provide what you want/wanted from her for yourself and meet your own needs?
  • If you gave to yourself all of the love, approval and acceptance you have been seeking what would change?

Love is a funny thing and as adults we still seek our unmet needs from childhood, operating from the younger part of ourselves searching until we find what it is we want, often outside of ourselves and projecting those unmet needs onto others to fulfil.

When you understand the dynamics you have in relationships, not just with your mothers but other people too, you gain an understanding that regardless of how other people treat you that this is about them and not about you.

When you are able to meet your own needs and provide to yourself everything you need, if a relationship ends or is not fulfilling you as you wish it to,  you are still whole and complete, nothing is taken away from you because you have inside everything you will ever need.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  An opportunity to nurture yourself with tender loving care.

Today is gift.  Look forward to the future and create a life for yourself worth living.  

Look inside yourself for what you desire externally and you might surprise yourself that you have everything inside yourself that you will ever need.

If you ever wondered whether there was a limit pg 177

If you would like to talk over your own experience of difficult love relationships then please do make contact.  I specialise in working with women and children, helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems. I work in person and also over Skype.

Find YOU, Find LOVE workshops are available monthly in Sutton, Surrey.  For dates and content of the workshop to get you back on track to finding you and finding love go to http://www.eventbrite.co.uk/o/wendy-fry-7394420133

My first book Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT is available on amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460 

Visit www.wendyfry.com to download some free resources from the book alongside two audio downloads 21 Steps to Love and Standing in the Spotlight of Love

From my heart to yours with love

x Wendy

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01 Mar

A Penny for Your Thoughts

There is an old fashioned saying ” A penny for your thoughts” Although no payment is received for giving your thoughts, they are listed to by the receiver asking you what’s up.  It’s just another way of asking what’s bothering a person or what they are thinking about.

Now imagine if your would, that each time you had a positive, loving and joyous thought pennies would be paid into your account or piggy bank.  There’s a school of thought that we think up to 70,000 thoughts in a day, imagine how rich you would be in just a short space of time if all those thoughts were kind, thoughtful, generous and loving.

We have 365 days in the year and on my calculator that’s £25,550,000 for starters.  Now some of you might be thinking about lack, and that you want a bigger investment sooner, well here’s the good news.

money tree

Whether you believe it or not  ‘Universal Law’ has the biggest ears you’ve ever seen.  It hears every thought you think and every word you speak.  If you feel poor in love, in debt financially and down on your luck, Universal Law will keep on chucking at you more of the same and I think we both know what that feels like an it’s no fun at all.

If you want more than pennies deposited, make sure the thoughts you deposit out into the ether are as a rich as they possibly can be.

Change your thoughts to change your abundance.  This is The Law of Attraction.

  • Instead of thinking about lack think about and focus on abundance.
  • If you want more money notice the money you already have coming in and be grateful for it, respect it, appreciate it.  
  • If you want more love, notice the love that you already have in your life.  That could be the love from friends, family, pets, love of a hobby or being in nature.
  • If you want improved health be in gratitude for the parts of your body that are mobile, healthy, able.  
  • If you want more happiness do things that make you happy, live in the moment and notice what there is to appreciate from life. 

I feel better just typing this stuff because I know through experience that when you appreciate what you have and you are in gratitude for that, more of that lovely love, wealth and health will show up for you.

Change begins with a single thought!

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Just for fun….

Imagine that you had unlimited love, unlimited good health, unlimited financial abundance how would your life be different.  How would you be thinking, feeling and acting.   How would you spend your day, who with, what would be different about you and the people you mix with?

My belief is ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and i have learnt over the years that your thinking can lift you up or keep you down.  Thoughts create feelings, feelings create actions or lack of actions, those actions create results, the results of your life right now.

So wherever you are at right now, consider just for a moment how rich in health, wealth, love and happiness you feel. If you want more than what you’ve got, you, yes YOU have the power to create those things for yourself.

Every day, think about the title of my blog and ”give me a penny for your thoughts” and catch yourself thinking.  Become an observer of your thoughts.  Do  your thoughts make you feel rich, vibrant, healthy, positive, joyous, loving?  If it’s a no, change the thought!.

Change your mindset and act as if you have unlimited health, wealth, love and happiness and keep thinking about those things until you feel the energy of those things moving through you. Empires are built with a single thought, I wonder what you can build today that your future self will thank you for?

Life is meant for living, laughing and loving.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Make every penny count! 

If you need some help in reaching for the higher feeling thought and wish to increase your love, wealth, health and happiness account check out www.bepositive.me.uk I offer a range of tools and techniques to help you help yourself improve your thinking and improve your life.

 

 

 

 

01 Feb

Always checking?

Are you always checking?

In this modern word of technology and instant access to just about anything your heart’s desire.  It’s all too easy to get caught up with constant ‘checking’ and doing instead of simply being.

How much time are you spending checking? 

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# Do you find yourself constantly checking Facebook for status updates?

# Do you keep checking your phone for texts or answerphone messages?

# Keep checking Twitter or Pinterest just to be sure you haven’t missed anything?

# Checking your bank balance to be sure you haven’t gone overdrawn?

# Checking the news to see what’s happening in the world?

# Checking your front door is locked and your hair strengtheners unplugged?

# Checking your watch to see how long it is until home time?

# Checking the bath isn’t overflowing, the gas is off, the lights are off?

# Checking your alarm is on for the morning?

PHEW!  I’m exhausted just typing that.

Be aware of your own personal energy and the time spent with all that checking and how draining it actually is….

It’s time when you could just be ‘being’ instead.

What is it you are really seeking if we drill down to the bare bones of all that checking?

  • Could it be that you’re looking for love and connection through social media?
  • Do you have a need for safety and security by checking that your home is safe?
  • Are you looking for love messages on your phone that may mean that you need to feel needed loved and cared for?
  • Do you need to feel abundant, rich and wealthy?
  • Would you like more freedom to spend your time as you wish?
  • Do you want to feel accepted, approved of, included?

Next time you find yourself checking anything, stop for a moment and ask yourself what do I really need right now and how can I provide that for myself?

We can create freedom in our minds….

We can create love in our hearts….

We can create a sense of feeling safe in the world….

We can create a connection to source/God/The Universe/Life Force Energy all by going within.

Be the creator of your own life…

Instead of looking externally for love, acceptance, approval and freedom, those things can be found within. 

  • If you want more love, how can you be more loving to yourself?
  • If you want more acceptance, what parts of yourself are you not accepting?
  • If you want more freedom how can you create the feeling of freedom within?

There are times when things will need to be checked perhaps once a day.  Times when it’s important to make sure your home is secure.  Times when you need to make and receive calls and texts.

Simply be aware from this moment on how much time you spend reacting instantly to status updates, emails, texts, calls, how much time you spend looking outside of yourself for what you really seek.  If it’s taking you away from ‘being’, what’s the cost to your emotional and physical health and wellbeing?

What are you putting outside of yourself that you can easily generate within?

Set yourself free from doing and simply be…

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If you need some help in managing your time and emotions you’re in the right place.  Contact me to learn how with a few simple techniques you find the love, approval, acceptance and freedom that’s been inside of you all along and that you maybe just forgot about.  www.wendyfry.com