11 Jul

Tick, Tock….Is time speeding up or are you lagging behind?

Self sabotage, generally feeling tired, lack of motivation or having a sense of your goals not being achievable are just a few of the niggles which get in the way of us being our best selves.

I will be completely honest, three times in the night I was woken first by my noisy neighbor at 2:30am who lives above me. At 5:30am with someone’s car or house alarm ringing for over 20 mins, at 6am the builders started coming in to collect equipment from their garage 2 doors down.

If ever there was a time to give in to self-sabotage, put my head back under the pillow until noon or give up on the tasks I have set myself for today, this is a classic example of letting externals get in the way.

It’s fair to say you can’t bank time, trade time or claw back those hours of interrupted sleep and it’s even truer to say I could let my tiredness put me in a bad mood, not write my weekly blog, give up on the list of things I have set myself to do, maybe even take out my lack of sleep on my clients, friends or family.

You see sleep, time, irritations and getting things done (or not) is all about perception.

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The meaning we place on our experiences

Many years ago I studied NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) an approach to communication, personal development and psychotherapy which was created by Richard Bandler and John Grindler.  Studying NLP helped me understand the way the mind works, how we store and retrieve information and how we communicate.

The mind is amazing, it’s a storehouse of information that we filter through, judging new experiences through an old lens.  We distort, delete and generalise experiences based on what’s happened in previous ‘movies’.  We often predict how something will end even when we have no evidence, we just go back to an old movie that’s similar in some way to the new experience and evaluate it through comparison with the record we already have.

Our past experiences influence how we react to others and the world around us

We often get things totally confused and what is actually happening may not even be recognised, as we have jumped back into default mode where we are basing current experiences that compare to similar ones that we have experienced in the past.

Our past experiences influence how we react to others and the world at large and also determine how we act and behave.  An external event will be experienced through our senses and before we make an internal representation of the event we filter the event.   We literally go inside that storehouse of information deleting, distorting and generalising the information through our five senses.

Our storehouse of sensory information

  • Visual (what we see outwardly, including how someone may look at us)
  • Auditory (what we hear, including sounds, the words that we hear and the way words are spoken by others including tone and pitch)
  • Kinaesthetic (what we feel internally inside our bodies or externally via touch, including the texture of something and level of pressure felt physically)
  • Gustatory (taste)
  • Olfactory (smell)

Deletion: When we delete information, we may be paying attention only to certain aspects of a situation and delete other aspects overlooking, ignoring and omitting sensory information coming into us.  We delete in this way as there is so much information coming into us, that if we didn’t delete we would experience too much sensory stimulation (information overload).

Distortion: It’s easy to misrepresent reality.  What is actually happening in an experience can be distorted and we can perceive things incorrectly. We distort, creating imaginary futures often in a negative way.

Generalisation:  We can make up and form our beliefs based solely on one or two experiences.  We absorb information and make assumptions about what the information means, comparing it to the information that we have already stored.  Sometimes our assumptions are incorrect.

Insightful Questions

Use these questions to reveal what you may be distorting, generalising and deleting as you process information

  • What positive aspects aspects of your life, career, relationships etc do you delete?
  • How do you distort information to avoid taking risks, protect yourself and keep yourself playing small?
  • When do you generalise negatively about what is achievable for you and what you can or can’t do based on external events, situations or people?

It’s true I was woken several times last night but even truer than that I actually had a total of nearly seven hours sleep, not bad eh….

So instead of focusing on missing sleep, the missing event of what I would have liked (sleeping a solid 8-9 hours) I’m re-framing my experiences and focusing on how great it feels to be up, washed, dressed and ready for my day a little earlier and how I have time to write my blog before my first client arrives instead of trying to fit it in, in between other things.

At 5:30am, the sky sure is pretty as are listening to the little birds singing their lungs out in my garden.

I’ve already had my breakfast, put a wash on, crossed off 3 things off my to do list and feeling rather satisfied that with the time i’ve missed sleeping, i’ve gained time and used it to my best advantage.

As you go through your day take a moment to reflect on what you are distorting, deleting or generalising and re-frame your experiences and thoughts to work for you, it will be time well spent to do so.

Last week we talked about Missing Events – Making up for lost time I will continue a little on this theme throughout the month of July.

Time waits for no man, or woman come to that, Carpe Diem, Seize the Day!

14 Sep

Seeing is Believing!

Beliefs are nothing more than empowering or limiting thoughts.

The beliefs we choose to give our attention to, guide our actions, behaviours and circumstances.

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We store information through our senses (seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting)

Our perceptions of events, people and the world at large form beliefs that may not even be true.

Our core beliefs were developed at a time when we were children, when we had minimal ability to reason and think rationally for ourselves. The beliefs that were handed down to us were formed by our parents, mentors, teachers, environment and culture.

Core beliefs form the picture we paint of ourselves, a portrait of our own abilities, our worth, flaws, strengths and our relationships with others and with the world. Our beliefs establish the limits of what we think we can, or can’t, achieve.

We behave in ways consistent with our beliefs and values. Our beliefs impact on much of what we do, the thoughts we think, our feelings and our physical symptoms. We delete, distort and generalise information by forming an intricate filter of opinions, emotions and memories and we only notice what we think supports the existing belief.

Our thoughts, assumptions and beliefs influence the way that we feel and what we choose to do.

A limiting belief is a thought, or series of thoughts, that stop us from moving forwards in life.

Limiting beliefs could be based on past personal experiences or through witnessing the experiences of others. Limiting beliefs also shape the form of our thought patterns, including irrational thinking.

We all, at some point, experience limiting beliefs. Until we examine what it is we believe and change any limiting beliefs to a more empowering belief, we are often stuck in the prison of our own thinking.

Beliefs have the potential to be changed by cultivating awareness; we can choose what it is we want to believe.

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Challenging a limiting belief with awareness, effective questioning and using The Spotlight Process and EFT, may seriously improve a person’s sense of self worth, reduce fear, improve confidence, improve communication (internal and external dialogues) and open up all sorts of new and exciting possibilities.

What are your limiting beliefs?

Measuring Limiting Beliefs using The VoC Scale (Validity of Cognition)

To measure the how true a limiting belief may be for you there is a scale called The Validity of Cognition (VoC) Scale which is an individualised measure of beliefs, developed by Francine Shapiro.

Use the VOC scale to check the percentage of your current self limiting beliefs rating them from a 0 when you have no belief at all and 100 when the belief feels completely true for you.

Read through the list below using the Voc Scale to identify which limiting beliefs are true for you. Fill in the blanks where appropriate and add your own limiting beliefs

• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of not being loved
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of separation or loss 
• Fear of failure
• Fear of being controlled by another
• Fear of success
• I don’t deserve xyz…..
• I am not worthy of xyz…..
• I’m not lovable
• I’m too……..
• I’m not…..
• I won’t be able to…..
• It’s impossible
• I can’t…..
• Something bad will happen if I…..
• What if it doesn’t work out?
• What if I get hurt?
• What if I lose…..?

Part of the process of changing limiting beliefs is cultivating awareness, so that we can distinguish the difference between:

• What we’d like to believe
• What we think we should believe
• What we truly believe.

It is often our limited and negative thinking that holds us back from the things that we seek. Beliefs are often so unconscious that we seldom question them.

With effective self questioning, taking into account:

• When the belief was formed
• Whose belief it is
• If that belief limits us or allows us to grow
• If the beliefs we hold are still appropriate for us

In order to change a limiting belief we need to change the internal picture, meaning and representation that we have of ourselves, of others and about the world around us, so that over time, our creative subconscious mind recognises new pictures, new meanings and beliefs as a new reality and filters from a different perspective.

Instead of looking through dirty windows at the same dirt, we notice things we never saw or experienced before.

Changing our beliefs offers a renewed sense of freedom and there is a willingness to take new risks once we decide to look at the world through new windows.

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Joking aside, I would like to remind you of some old, outdated, beliefs that you may have moved on from already:

  • Father Christmas
  • The Tooth Fairy
  • Monsters under the bed
  • Fairy tales and other stories

If you’d like to understand your beliefs at a deeper level and how they may be negatively influencing your life Find YOU, Find LOVE offers you a range of tools and techniques to support you in working through the things that are holding you back from achieving what you want from life.

When you are ready to work with me in person and experience a VIP Day please do make contact.  I look forward to hearing from you and helping you to help yourself.  Teaching you new ways of thinking, sharing transformational techniques, to release the past and create a future full of renewed confidence, self belief and love!

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24 Aug

The Power of Words

We use language to express ourselves, to get our point across, to share emotions, state a fact or convey a meaning.

Communication is key to getting on in life!  

How we communicate or interpret another’s communication can make or break a relationship whether that be an intimate relationship, a work/college relationship or the relationship we have with our families and children

How are you expressing yourself?

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Working as an emotional health and relationship consultant and having studied NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) I listen out for what’s spoken as well as unspoken.  If I receive an email from someone reaching out for help, before I’ve even met them, I can see patterns in their communication.

It’s not until you have fed back to you, what it is you are saying that you even realise how you might be communicating inwardly to yourself (internal dialogue) and what you are expressing outwardly.

I simply love words and always have.

Next time you’re out and about (coffee shops or restaurants are great places for this) notice how the diners and those meeting speak to each other.

It’s true body language will come into play here and you will be seeing visual communication, though listen specifically to what’s being said.

It’s possible you may even react to others people’s conversations, and you don’t even know them, based on the content of what is heard and how you relate to this personally.

Notice the people that are fighting for air space, talking over each-other, notice those shouting at each other, be aware of those who are taking it in turns to listen and speak, notice your own’self talk’ as you watch these interactions.

When you’re next out with your own friends and family:

  • Notice who cuts you off and takes over the conversation and what you were going to say remains unheard,  making the conversation about them and not you.
  • Who listens attentively and who feeds back to your their interpretation of what’ you have shared?
  • Be aware of your own responses, based on your experiences (some may be negative in relation to what the person is saying)  Notice too, when you might not be listening, checking your phone or staring off into space.

Words can harm and words can heal!

  1. What are you saying about yourself that limits you?
  2. If you were to listen more rather than speak, what might you learn?
  3. When and with whom do you feel unheard?  Let those people know you haven’t finished speaking, or it’s important to you to share what you want to say
  4. What’s your communication style? Are you passive, assertive, passive aggressive or communicate with direct aggression?
  5. When you communicate how often are you being ‘nice’ (keeping the peace and saying what you think others want to hear and when are you being real?)

It’s a little way off yet, though in Series 4 of the Dial a Guru Self Help, Personal and Business books, I will be writing about the topic of clear communication, aiding you to explore which communication style you might fit into and how changing the way you communicate with others may have long term benefits too!

  • As you go through the week, notice your own internal dialogue which brings you down.
  • Be aware of other people’s words which trigger you (sending you off into a rant of negativity) 
  • Notice the words you read and hear which make you feel happy, vibrant and alive!
  • Choose a word or day that you wish to resonate with.  i.e. ”Every day may not be a good day but today i’m choosing HAPPINESS!”

If you’d like to work with me to improve how you communicate with yourself and others,  I’d love to hear from you. You can contact me here.

You might like to read about the success and changes my clients have made here 

Word Power!  

Use them wisely!






09 May

Word Power

Words can harm and words can heal.  In fact words can and do influence our lives.

What we believe to be true because of something someone said may actually be stopping us moving forwards.

Other peoples words become our own internal dialogue that we confuse for our own.

That negative inner voice may criticise you, judge you, compare you and tell you you’re not good enough, worthy enough, capable enough or strong enough.  Worse than that, it may even call you names or swear at you.

Your voice made up of all the things you’ve ever heard is with you morning, noon and night, it can turn on the charm or pull the rug out from under your feet until you have a word with it and rein it in!

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Here are some words that I would like to ban that others frequently tell us that may have a negative connotation.

You can’t…

You don’t…

You should/shouldn’t…

You must/mustn’t…

You won’t…

You’ll never…

You ought to…

You need to…

You might like to copy out these statements and finish the sentences with the things that you have been told about yourself or what you want to achieve by ‘well meaning’ others.

Once completed rip it up into little pieces, stamp on it, burn it or make a paper air plane and send it off as far away from you as possible.

Change the limiting words you once heard into powerful, motivating and empowering statements instead!


I invite you to create powerful statements of your own finishing off the following statements:

I can…

I choose to…

I am…

I have…

I will…

I look forward to…

I love…

I create…

I know…

I enjoy…

I am a winner because…


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Take back your power! 

You are a winner!  

You can do anything you sent your mind to! 

Once you start to listen to your voice of encouragement you have the potential to transform your life.

You will be looking through new eyes, filtering for opportunity with a sense of hope and optimism of the future.

You will move to a place where anything is possible .

We can never quantify everything, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, find our wings and fly.

Allow the essence of who you are to flow through in your communications, listen to the internal voice of recognition, praise, support, acceptance, it’s there to guide you towards happiness.

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”Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another”Napoleon Hill

Want to know more about how to make your internal dialogue work for you using Hypnosis, Emotional Freedom Technique and NLP?  Go to www.bepositive.me.uk and read about how others have changed their lives through the power of words!