05 Jun

External Validation. Why does it leave us wanting MORE?

Do you have the disease to please?  

  • How often do you find yourself seeking validation and approval from others?
  • When do you hand over decision making and why?
  • What stops you from being the sole creator of your future?
  • How does needing approval, acceptance and love from others limit you?

From an early age we learn about how to behave in ways that make others happy.  We begin to understand what actions are and aren’t acceptable.  We realise that if we show up in a certain way, we are accepted.

Often we hand over our identities to be moulded and shaped into what other people want.

Our feelings as children are fragile and we are easily hurt.  It’s in those early years that our disease to please is formed and without realising it may become our only goal.

The need for approval, love and acceptance becomes addictive, the more we get the more we want!

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If we’ve not experienced unconditional love as a child and in adulthood not being loved, accepted and approved of by others when we have a bad mood, PMT (pre-menstrual tension) or forget to put the lid on the toothpaste or the seat down we begin to tread on eggshells.

We fear upsetting others and loosing their love as a result and the disease to please grows and grows.  We hide our real selves for fear of rejection and loss of love.  We put other people’s happiness before our own.

Having rules growing up is both helpful and harmful.

Love for many is conditional.  Rules about how love and relationships ‘should be’ are made and if rules aren’t followed love is withheld.  I see many couples in my work as a therapist behaving in this way.

The truth is we have each have unique relationship experiences.  From parenting, intimate relationships and societal relationships, each of us carries our own blueprint of what we want a relationship to be like.

It’s not until we explore where we learn about love and relationships that we begin to understand some of the old rules and conditions set in childhood are no longer appropriate in adulthood. There is no blame here.  Our parents and caregivers were  no doubt were doing the best they could to raise us in the best of their abilities and knowledge at the time.

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My first book Find YOU, Find LOVE explores our beliefs about love.  In fact you can download the chapter completely free at www.wendyfry.com 

When we understand why we behave the way we do in love relationships life becomes more tolerable.

Exploring why we might believe that we are unlovable, unworthy or inadequate and where those limiting beliefs come from we are able to work through those limits and bring ourselves ever closer to the love and relationships we desire.

Improving the relationship you have with yourself is key to making the rest of your life the best of your life!

Please do check out my website and free love and relationship resources including 21 Steps to LOVE and Standing in the Spotlight of LOVE audio downloads www.wendyfry.com/book/resources 

If you need a gentle guiding hand perhaps you would like to work with me on a programme of support.  I work over Skype internationally and also face to face in Sutton, Surrey UK.   It will be my pleasure to guide you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems.

From my heart to yours,

With Love x

Wendy

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