26 Jul

Learning about Love

At some point in your life, you would have either learnt specific beliefs as they were passed down to you by family and caregivers, or you would have formed your love and relationship beliefs based on your own perceptions and experiences growing up and throughout your life. All fears come from the ‘little you’, the ‘inner child’ as it’s sometimes referred to.

As children, we are like sponges soaking up information through all our senses, believing everything we are told by our parents and caregivers. We place meanings as we interpret events and experiences and everything we learn is stored in the subconscious mind. We form beliefs about the world around us and about other people, including love and relationships.

Bruce Lipton, cell biologist explains the concept of this in his book Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There from Here. I have paraphrased his account which details how the subconscious mind downloads information from the environment.

Before the age of 6, while we are in what’s called a ‘hypnagogic’ state literally hypnotised by all the information coming at us. Some of the beliefs, perceptions and inferences we form are untrue, our analytical self conscious mind doesn’t fully exist and does not have the filters or discriminations that we develop after the age of 6. We form beliefs based on what we ‘assume’ rather than what is fact. This often causes us problems later on in life, especially in the love and relationship area of our lives.

As adults, we hold onto those childhood beliefs, often without questioning where they came from, if they are/were true and if it is appropriate for us to hold onto them now. It’s the beliefs we form about love and relationships at that age, which can become a patterns of behaviour that we default to for the rest of our lives. Our subconscious beliefs keep running until we explore what we believe and how that is showing up in our lives.

Our pre set expectations about love and relationships are based on beliefs, perceptions, judgements and also our need for love, approval and acceptance from others. We often hand over the responsibility of being loved to another person (acting as a child would) and that in itself can put huge pressure on relationships.

Not only do we lose a sense of our identity, we also give up on taking responsibility for ourselves to fulfil our own needs. It often becomes an obsession to get our needs met by others and when they are not met, the issue can feel as crucial as life or death!

As children growing up, it is natural for us to look towards our caregivers and parents to cater to our every whim, to seek for and be rewarded with love, approval, acceptance and nurturing, though as adults it becomes our personal responsibility to give those things to ourselves, It’s no longer appropriate to look outside of ourselves for these things or to demand them in a relationship.

It is no longer appropriate as an adult to act from the ‘little me’ (your younger self/inner child) where you may be coming across as a needy baby or demanding child. In fact it complicates matters if we are constantly clingy, needy and wanting to be ‘filled up’ with love, approval, acceptance or attention from another.

When we truly grow up and take full responsibility to heal old wounds and take care of our own needs, our lives can change dramatically. We have the capacity to totally transform them. Life becomes all that we imagined and more.

If you would like to change your own limiting beliefs about love and relationships my forthcoming book Find YOU, Find Love (now available for pre-order on amazon uk) will take you step by step helping you to transform your love and relationship issues.

When we truly grow up