28 Jan

Unlearning Your Learning

It’s true to say we all have habits, patterns of thinking, behaviours and a ways of reacting to life and it’s curve balls which either serve us well or ‘take us down the swanny without a paddle.’


For those not familiar with this term, we are basically in a boat, oar-less, possibly screaming ‘stop the ride I want to get off’ or either trying to cling on to the nearest, person or thing not really knowing if we will make it or not.

This blog has become a habit for me and one I love because writing for me is a habit and I do love to inspire others with my words and shares.  Just like walking I learned to write a long time ago and both habits have served me well. Though not all habits are healthy and this is why i’m going to share my insights into unlearning your learning.

I’m often inspired to write about real life situations and just yesterday I was talking to a friend and we agreed it’s easy to get into the habit of just having a beer or a glass of wine or two after a long stressful day or even as a reward when your day has been ace.  The ‘wine o’clock or beer o’clock’ glasses come on and you think…’oh, just the one’ and before you know it that small one has become several bottles of beer, a bottle of wine and the six pack Hoola Hoops, the whole bag of mini-cheeses disappear (well they are mini you say to yourself) The box of chocolates you were saving for your aunt’s birthday get munched including the ones which aren’t your favourites and for afters you decide to open the tub of your favourite ice cream, you know the one with the cherries and choc-chip in or maybe it’s the rum and raisin for you.

Hmm…habits have a lot to answer to and so do we because it is us who are actually feeding these habits.  Whether it’s being a fridge raider, a chocolate addict, getting angry when driving, feeling out of control when things don’t go your way or feeling rejected when someone says no to spending time with you we all have our own unique ways of responding.

So it’s time to unlearn your learning, it’s much easier than you might think

Much of our learning is ‘unconscious’ we aren’t even aware we have eaten the whole contents of the fridge perhaps until the morning and you wonder who has been in an stolen all the goodies.  We often don’t think before we reply when someone honks us in the traffic, we honk right back a gazillion times , shouting words of abuse if someone angers us only fuels the fire and when we get upset and end up in a flood of tears when those we want to be with can’t be with us for whatever reasons not one of these ways is beneficial for long term health.  The good news is, the triggers we learn to respond in  unhealthy ways can be unlearned.

To become more conscious you simply start to pay more attention to the following:

  • Your mood generally and how you tend to behave when you experience difficult situations
  • The thoughts you say inside your own mind or out loud when life throws it’s curve balls
  • How you feel inside in reaction to the things which upset you (like a bomb about to go off is a great exapmle)
  • Visual triggers which you find upsetting (your husband looking at the TV and not you) 
  • Other people’s tone or tempo of voice which riles you (yeah whatever) 
  • Where you might be deleting, distorting or generalising information
  • Smells and tastes which remind you of happy times (when we are unhappy we often reach for feel god foods that we may have been rewarded with as a child, often sweet things)
  • Your ‘go to’ addiction when you want to cheer up or reward youself (booze, shopping, ice cream etc)
  • Your beliefs about a situation, person or group of people which have you displaying behaviours which you regret afterwards or find yourself attaching to

Thought catching and being aware if how you feel moment to moment will help to bring you back to the present.  Mindless behaviours keep you back from health and wellness, they may also impact finances, relationships, self-esteem, energy levels, mood generally and having the level of success in all life areas.

Do join me in a spot of imagining…

  • Imagine (pretend, see sense and think about) yourself in the future having unlearnt your learning (the bad habits and ways of responding to people, situations and the things which trigger you)
  • How did you do it?  
  • What did you start doing
  • What did you stop doing
  • What are you doing differently now?
  • What advise would your future self say to you right now that will help you unlearn your negative learning?
  • What’s the first thing you can do to help yourself?
  • And the next, and the next and the next? 

Start as you mean to go on…

If you know you’re feeling low, don’t stock your home with the foods and drinks you will only regret eating and drinking.  Make a plan to give yourself some TLC by another means

If you’ve had upsets with friends or family and want to repair relationships arrange a mutual setting free from alcohol where you can talk through what you both want (the outcome you hope for)  Go with the positive intention of building the relationship, talking about what you want, not what you don’t want

If you’re someone who often feels depressed or anxious start taking action by doing more of what brings you a sense of inner calm and happiness.  Bring in a sense of gratitude for what you already have in your life.  Choose actions which lift you, whether it be going for a walk, watching funny movies, spending time with a pet, having a massage any of these things will change the way you feel.

There are so many ways to unlearn your negative learning and this begins with a single thought and a plan of action and before you know it you will have adapted some brand new learning and behaviours which serve you well.

There will come a time when you simply forget what it was you were even trying to unlearn.  Your new behaviours become part of life and living on purpose.

Get into the habit now of changing your habits to those which bring you long term happiness and joy.

From my heart to yous,

With love,


If you need any help and support contact me via www.wendyfry.com and we can talk through support options and getting you back on track to learning new ways of thinking and new ways of being.


07 Dec

What do you say when you talk to yourself?

You may have noticed that you have a voice inside your head that sometimes whispers very gently to you words of encouragement, acknowledgement and praise, words of comfort, care and understanding.  Words of support and tenderness though, more often than not, the second you have your back turned that voice may  bellow,  cagoule, ridicule and remind you of your faults , your inadequacies and may nag you at times, seldom coming up for air.

I like to call my voices ‘The Voice of Doom’ and ‘The Voice of Love’. Do you have names for yours?

That negative inner voice may criticise you, judge you, compare you and tell you you’re not good enough, worthy enough, capable enough or strong enough.  Worse than that, it may even call you names or swear at you.   It may keep you tied to the belief that you’re not lovable, that relationships cause pain and opening your heart to love is too risky.

Your voice is with you morning, noon and night, it can turn on the charm or pull the rug out from under your feet until you have a word with it and rein it in.  That voice is with you at every stage of your life, every decision you make, every crossroads you face, every choice and every venture is dictated by that voice.  Everyone has an internal voice, an endless stream of chatter a narrator talking you through your waking moments and through your dreams as well!

Chapter 4 ‘The Past’ from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE explores in detail aspects of the past that may be limiting you from love which will include The Voice of Doom. To order you copy go to http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460

Confronting and questioning the voice of doom

Name your own voices and identify them as characters, the voices you may in fact know, they may be the voice of your parents, teachers, people you have lost contact with or a combination of internalised voices merging together, these voices are in fact just thoughts.

Creative Practical Exercise (15 minutes)

angled pencil

Draw your voices (your versions of the voice of doom and the voice of love) in your journal or on pieces of paper.

Find a way to record the voices as characters perhaps sketching them or you may like to make a collage of how the voices look.

It’s been interesting in my work to see my clients drawing their characters, changing the voices of the characters in their heads and also naming and shaming the voice of doom.

There is a stark contract between the voice of love and the voice of doom, one often an ugly scribble, a monster or a mess.  The voice of love gentle, flowing and beautiful.

Adding humour to the problem

That critical inner voice doesn’t have the same impact when you turn it into a cartoon voice, speed up or slow down the voice.  It’s very cathartic to get a grip on the voices and realise that you control them, they don’t control you.  Adding humour to the voice of doom changes the impact it has on you.

The voice of doom you may be familiar with as it’s often the louder of the two voices in your head.  It’s the voice that holds you back, the voice that takes you down and holds you tight in the grip of fear.  It has a detective like persona that will only look for and gather together all the negatives it can about why love and relationships are ill fated, impossible, too risky, and too scary.  This voice will do little to encourage you to be open to the love, hope, joy and connection which having a positive relationship can bring.

The purpose of the critical voice

You may have found your voice of doom likes keeping you in your comfort zone where everything is safe and familiar; it shelters you from perceived threats, from the risk of harm, from danger, it is on the lookout, constantly gathering information to support the negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, other people and the world around you.

The voice of doom actually has a positive intention and what’s beneath its harshness is a form of protection and tries to keep you safe from perceived risks to your survival.

Your internal dialogue was formed as part of your life experience from childhood to today.  Every voice you have ever heard will become part of your own inner landscape and contribute to how you talk to yourself in moments of joy and moments of stress.

Knowing that the negative voice is really there to try and protect you gives a different meaning to it.  As adults we can reflect on whether or not we listen to that voice or simply thank it for trying to watch out for us and then make our decisions based on the facts of a situation.

 ‘’We were born with love, fear is something we learn’’ Marianne Williamson

The voice of love

The voice of love comes from deep within, from the very heart of you, from your intuition or what some may call higher wisdom (or gut feeling) from the very core of your being, the voice that was part of you when you were born, open to love, open to receiving, open to joy and possibility.

Taking back your power

Once you start to listen to this voice you have the potential to transform your life.  You will be looking through the eyes of love, filtering for opportunity and open to receiving love.  You will move to a place where anything seems possible and you welcome the unknown whatever it brings.  We can never quantify everything, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, find our wings and fly

The job of the voice of love is to keep you true to who you really are, to allow the essence of who you are to flow through, it’s there to guide you towards happiness and love if you will stop and listen.

The voice of love may have been waiting in the wings for decades waiting to be heard. Allow it to step forward, to welcome it with open arms, listen to it and trust and respect that this voice needs some air space too.

Breathe life into the voice of love

Listening to this voice, connecting with it at times of indecision, will serve you well.  Ask yourself ‘’what would love do here?’’ and then let the voice of love (your inner voice) express itself.  This is the voice of your inner power, the truth of who you are.

The voice of love can be compared to a gentle voice perhaps caring for and speaking with a two year old, calming and soothing them, being patient, loving and forgiving.

Now that you understand more about your negative internal voice and its intention you can decide if it’s time to stop listening to the voice of doom, because there is another way – to listen only to the voice of love.

Insightful Questions


insightRead through the following questions.

Begin to which voice you pay attention to the most, notice how your emotions change based on which voice you listen to:

  • What voice have you been paying more attention to – the voice of doom or the voice of love?
  • Does one or the other voice get louder when you’re with certain people or in a certain place?
  • Think about the tone of voice and what it says, who does this remind you of?
  • What type of things do your voices say the most often to you?
  • How has listening to the voice of doom affected you and your life to date?
  • What opportunities have you missed out on by listening to the voice of doom?
  • What would you have to give up to hear the voice of love?
  • What can you put in place today to be sure that you listen more to the voice of love and less to the voice of doom?


  • How can listening to the voice of love improve your life, love and relationships?

Let love be the answer

We want the voice of love to stay within us at all times with a happy and loving commentary.

You may also wish to draw or find a symbol for the voice of love and know that it is within you at all times.  Acknowledging the voice of love, listening to it, honouring it, respecting it and believing in it will change the way you feel about yourself

Guiding you to listen to your inner self to find the answers to all of the questions you will ever need

The primary cause of our unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it –Eckhart Tolle

If you’d like to download Chapter 3 ‘Love and Relationship Beliefs’ from Find YOU, Find LOVE go to https://wendyfry.com/resources/ where you will find a range of free Pdf’s and audio downloads for your enjoyment.

The next Find YOU, Find LOVE workshop is on Saturday 17th January 2015, reserve your place here https://eventbrite.co.uk/event/13066282603/ I look forward to connecting with you.

If you would like to work with me privately I have a range of services and programmes to suit your needs https://wendyfry.com/services/ It will be my pleasure to support you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems