18 Oct

Keeping Mum

Since the 14th Century people have been talking (or rather not talking) about ”keeping mum”.

So what exactly is this blog post about you might wonder…

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Keeping ”mum” can refer to silence and also a mother.

Now, It’s a universal truth we all have had a mother…

As much as you might like to change your mother, transforming your relationship with her and coming to terms with your past, ultimately begins with you.

If you are experiencing familiar emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, blame or shame, please understand that you are not alone in your search for your mother’s approval, acceptance and love and you no longer need to keep ”mum” and keep it all inside.

With no ‘Dummies Guide’ available to help  you make peace with your mother and move on from past pain, I realised the importance of writing an informative and practical self-help guide specifically aimed at daughters to help them find emotional release, gain personal closure and an understanding of how all daughters’ lives are shaped through the mother-daughter experience.

I want you to know, that it is possible to move beyond the pain you feel inside.  It is possible to move on from your disappointments, regrets, feeling that you are unappreciated, unloved and misunderstood.  It is possible to work towards accepting your mother – warts and all and in turn, you will ease the pain of the past and realise you are worth loving.

Each of you reading this will have your own story when it comes to your mother and for mothers reading this, your story about your daughter will be unique to you.  Our personal realities are based on what we each individually experience and the perceptions and beliefs we filter through.

It is my intention to help you to bring balance to your thinking, guiding you to react and respond to your mother in a way which serves you better and by doing so; you will understand and transform your relationship at the deepest level.

What does the word ‘Mother’ mean to you? When I use the term “mum’’ or “mother’’, I refer to your childhood mother, your mother at the time she raised you.  This may also include a step mother, foster or adoptive mother or ‘other mother figure’ that cared for you.

Until your ‘mother stuff’ is understood and healed, the inner and outer conflicts you have or once had remain a burden.  I reach out to you and offer to share the strategies which have helped in my relationship with my own mother and also the wonderfully open women I have had the privilege to work with in my second book Mothers and Daughters: The guide to understanding and transforming the relationship with your mother

Over the coming weeks my blog will feature and introduce some of the topics covered in Mothers and Daughters.  So if you’ve had enough of ”keeping mum”, this blog and my book are a great place to start making the changes which enable you to feel heard, understood, accepted and loved for who you are.

Regardless of your past, you need not let it shape your future, stay with me and I will show you how.

21 Jun

Fathers and Daughters

It’s Fathers Day today here in the UK.

This just happens to be my favourite picture of my dad and I, back in 1999.

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What does the word father bring up for you?

How will you spend today?  

Will you be celebrating your father, reminiscing over times gone by if your father is no longer with you?

Perhaps it’s a day where you feel nothing at all?

In my work as an Emotional Health, Love & Relationship Consultant I will ask my clients what was their relationship like growing up with their family of origin or caregivers.

Many had happy and idyllic childhoods where they were nurtured, loved, supported and encouraged  by their natural parents.

Some have very specific memories of happy times with their fathers and key moments of connection and love.

Others share with me that they do not even know who their birth father is or were abandoned at an early age.

Many adult children still hold a sense of not belonging and question their identity and wonder if they take after their fathers.

Often there is much anger present and have limiting beliefs of ‘not being good enough’, ‘not being lovable’ or ‘worthy enough’.

These limiting beliefs may continue right through their adult lives leaving a trail of broken and unhappy relationships behind them.

What part of what I’ve shared here so far resonates with your own personal story?

The past has a lot to answer to as does our earliest models about love, loving and being lovable if they do not help us flourish.

For some of the people I have worked with, their fathers have passed away and there is a sense of regret that perhaps they they never spent much time together, or they wish they’d said or done more to show their love.

Many have step-fathers as male role models and have gained an a additional dad or two along the way.

I’ve also worked with children and teenagers that have had lots of different ‘uncles’ in their lives with different rules and an array of demands made on them.

Being a child and learning about love isn’t easy and I know now as an adult that being a father isn’t either.

Having worked through my own limiting beliefs and spent thousands of client hours helping others work through theirs, I see a pattern related to unhelpful comments and experiences in childhood.

As a result I specialise in working with people come to terms with difficult relationships and realising that whatever their past relationship experiences that who they are is so worth loving!

I’m so pleased I had the foresight to save this poem my dad sent in a card on 18th birthday.

It has helped me to understand that sometimes we cannot help who we love and that we do all indeed deserve love.

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My Story

I share my story to let you know that you can use your past experiences to excel and achieve.

The pain of the past need not be used to build up a brick wall of protection in fact your past experiences can be the foundation and the stepping stones for you to reach new heights in your personal and professional life. 

I wouldn’t change my past for a thing as it’s lead me to being who I am and given me the insights into family dynamics and the absolute privilege to work with others who need to understand themselves and how their own perceptions of experiences have shaped their lives.

How I learnt about love…

My dad left our family home when I was twelve, came back and left again when I was fifteen.  It was devastating at the time as my mum was suicidal, we moved house, I changed schools and I gained a new step dad, step mum and a whole extended family by the time I was sixteen.

Now as an adult I understand why my dad left, he simply felt unloved by my mum for many years within their twenty three years together.

It took me such a long time to understand that even though my dad left, he wasn’t rejecting me, he hadn’t stopped loving me and I hadn’t done anything wrong.  It was merely my perception as a teenager which led me to forming beliefs about myself that were untrue.  I ran that pattern of believing I was unlovable right up until my thirties.

Although many years of my life felt painful because of this belief, I now know that perhaps this was the experience I was indeed meant to have for my own self-actualisation.

There is a happy ending and my dad is re married to my now step mum.  He’s very happy and I’d go as far as saying even after thirty plus years being married with her, they are still very much in love.  I’m happy that he’s happy and that’s all we can want for others and for ourselves.

Everyone deserves happiness and even if we don’t understand the why’s and the wherefores at the time, we  begin to learn as adults that our parents were doing the best that they could while in the midst of their own personal challenges.

Whatever your relationship with your father if you feel unhappy in any way about the connection that you did or didn’t have.  It’s never to late to change the past, we simply change the future!

To gain some personal insights into your beliefs , you might like to work through this series of questions.

  • What negative beliefs about yourself are you still holding onto that in some way are connected with your father?
  • How do your beliefs about love and relationships impact your own relationships?
  • How do you limit a potentially good relationship happening because of your past experiences and projected fears? 
  • How would letting go of these beliefs benefit you?

I could write heaps more on the subject of love and relationships though you may prefer to download for free Chapter 3 ‘Beliefs’ from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE

I also offer a service called Future Life Progression where you can connect in a future lifetime with your loved one and say the thinks you didn’t say before their passing.

There is always an opportunity to transform your past and use it to your best advantage!

This picture if from the front of the card my dad sent.

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Learning about love creates personal freedom and who you are is so worth loving.  

Know it, feel it, experience it.  

You are the butterfly, set yourself free form the past and be ready to live life.  

You are the creator of your future and the legacy you leave behind through learning…

As ever, from my heart to yours with love x

Please do make contact for personal support in person in Sutton, Surrey, UK or internationally over Skype info@wendyfry.com | Love and Relationship Support

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