26 Oct

Doing the things you don’t want to do, with great love

When was the last time you did something you really didn’t want to do?

This past week I’ve found myself doing things I don’t want to do. I’ve been reacting to things outside of my control and found myself in moments of uncertainty and having the make decisions as best I can based on the knowledge I’ve had in that moment.

We can’t plan everything…

Life being the roller-coaster that it is, we have to navigate our way through the ups and downs it brings. There may be moments we are laughing our heads off and at other times reaching for the sick bag and wanting to get off the ride.

Change as we all know is part of life, a process of natural development, learning and letting go, evolving and moving towards self actualising.  Sometimes it’s easy at other times coming out of the other side of fear, because it’s unknown seems like an impossible task.

I’ve decided to enable myself to get through doing the things I don’t want to do, but need to be done, I’m going to do those things with great love.  I invite you to do the same.

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So if today, because it’s  Monday morning and back to work for many, if you really don’t feel like getting out of bed and going to a job that simply pays the bills, how would it be to seize the day, enjoy the journey to work, be loving and kind towards your co-workers, smile at a stranger, love what you do because it does pay the bills, provides food and shelter, safety and living a higher standard of life that many may not be blessed with.

If there is a person you do not normally enjoy interactions with who you will see this week, take love with you into the conversation and notice what changes.

If you’re fed up with doing your family’s laundry, washing the dishes, walking the dog and preparing meals, just take a moment and reflect on the love of having a family to care for and decide to do those tasks with great love, you will feel happier for it.

Today is not a day of my choosing. You will have or have already experienced  those kinds of days too.

There are go places I don’t want to go and things I never imagined I will have to do which need doing. I know I will have some moments of surrealism and uncertainty though I know when I do the things I don’t want to do, with great love, I will get though and so will you.

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Do the things you think you can’t, they will make you ever stronger on the roller coaster of life x 

 

 

 

18 Oct

Why Crying is Good For You…

When was the last time you had a good cry?

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It never ceases to amaze me how someone crying might make others feel uncomfortable. They might rush in saying things like:

  • Don’t cry
  • Pull yourself together
  • Don’t let anyone see you crying
  • It’s weak to cry
  • Don’t get upset

As children we may have been told things like:

  • Don’t be a cry baby
  • Be a big a big boy/girl
  • Grow-up
  • Pansy and other inappropriate name calling
  • You’re pathetic
  • Stop snivelling

It’s not long before we internalise all these negative messages and beliefs about why we shouldn’t cry!

The truth is our bodies are designed to release stress and build up of toxins through the secretion of tears.  It’s actually healthy to cry.

Perhaps you have found a way to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ on your feelings keeping everything in, or maybe you are like me when you are in shock or deeply saddened, you too might shed a bucket load of tears.

If we continually keep emotions in we might find ourselves ‘imploding’ and this continual build up of stress and unexpressed emotions might lead to depression, low mood, sleeplessness, anxiety and a whole host of symptoms where the body tries other ways to release the build up of emotions.

Feeling like we can’t express ourselves in the moment we might also find ourselves exploding in anger and rage at the most inappropriate time.

When you next cry and someone tells you not to, it might be interesting to ask them ”what is it about my tears, that makes you uncomfortable?”

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Your tears, upset and emotions may well evoke in someone else the unresolved emotions they have not released, triggering off their own sadness, loss, grief, anger and the full range of human emotions that we all experience.

There is a lovely scientific study right here if you’re interested in finding out more about the different types of tears and why it’s healthy to release emotional tears.

In my work as a therapist, I have seen grown men, women and children cry.  In our work together, they are given the space and freedom to cry , encouraged to express the emotions that have been held in and allowed to vent what they are feeling.  Often the unresolved emotions go as far back as childhood when they were fist told not to cry.

There are a range of techniques I offer to aid emotional release though right here in this moment, the first step to coming to tems with how you feel is to join me in saying aloud.

  • I give myself permission to feel what I’m feeling
  • It’s okay for me to have these emotions
  • I allow myself to work through what I’m feeling

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Whenever your emotions surface unexpectedly repeat these statements to see you through, grab yourself some soft tissues and allow yourself to cry.

If you need a safe space to work through what you’re feeling, a place where you will be heard and supported I welcome you to make contact.  I offer a range of support programmes to suit your individual needs.

If you need help in coming to terms with love and relationships contact me here 

For general therapeutic support you can find out more here 

Remember crying is good for you. 

As ever, from my heart to yours with love,

X Wendy

14 Mar

A Mother’s Love

As Mother’s day approaches I know that for many of you this will bring up mixed emotions.

For some there will be love and a feeling of closeness and connection and for others perhaps a sense of loss or disconnect depending on the status of your relationship with your mum.

Both a good friend of mine and my dad lost their mothers when they were children.  I can only imagine how devastating this must have been to have learned of the death at such an early age and a relationship taken away before it was fully able to develop fully into adulthood.

We grieve not only the loss of a person physically, we also we grieve the relationship we never had and would have liked to have had.

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We are all born into the world by a mother.  We may have been planned, unplanned, wanted, unwanted and in some instances as I have found in my work with women there have also been occasions where intimacy has not been consented to, this also resulting in pregnancy.

Some of us may have been fortunate to grow up with mothers and experienced a sense of love, nurture and acceptance.  For others they may have been fostered, adopted or bought up in homes or orphanages.  For some of us, perhaps our grandparents or other family members bought us up and became the figure for a mother in our lives. We also need to consider step mothers too at whatever age they come into our lives as a ‘mother role’.

I’m not a mum so I speak from my own experience and those that my clients haves shared with me and I can only imagine how difficult motherhood can be at times and the range of emotions that go with it.

Many women have shared with me that they loose a ‘sense of self’, personal identity and ‘time to just be’ when they become a mum.  Others report not having the career they wanted or the life they wanted to live because of motherhood.  Many feel that their life is over rather than having a sense that life has just began as they bring new life into the world.

For me there have been times when I’ve turned to other’s for the love, support and acceptance I have needed growing up.  As a teenager I lived with my nan as things were fraught at home.

I feel like a big chunk of my life I have been chasing for a mother’s love that has not been available.  Can you relate to that at all?

There have been times when I’ve wanted to be held, comforted, soothed, listened to, encouraged, loved, cherished and told that I can achieve anything I want to because I am good enough, worthy, lovable, wanted.  For me this hasn’t been provided by the source I was seeking it from (my mother) and at the age of 48 I’ve gained the acceptance that this won’t change now.  Despite a child’s longing inside a grown woman for a love never truly given I’ve seen it for what it is and that’s the relationship we have in the shape that it is, however dysfunctional  that might be.

I now have an understanding that I wasn’t wanted, that my mother’s dreams of going into nursing were not fulfilled because of me, that my mother’s depression and lack of self belief all added to the melting pot of bringing a child into the world in a half hearted way. There is no blame here at all, it is what it is and I accept that children can make our lives better or worse. I do not regret knowing this, in fact it’s made me stronger and more determined in my life.  I am totally able to look after my own needs as an adult and you can too regardless of whether or not you have a mothers love.

Have you ever been told by your mum that she went along with having children as it was someone else’s idea? Have you been told that you weren’t wanted, an accident, a mistake?

How has having that knowledge shaped your life, your sense of self belief, your feeling of worth and love-ability?

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

I’ve worked with many people both male and female who have needed help understanding who they are, why they are here and how they can live their lives without their mothers love.  It’s such a delicate area to work in and it’s such a joy to see those that I support move on beyond feeling worthless and unwanted to gain a greater sense of self acceptance.

As animals we are adaptive creatures, we adapt to our environment and the people in it. I have learnt to adapt and seek nurture and love from different sources.  I have the most amazing friends who I know at the drop of a hat would be there for me in the middle of the night.  I have a love of nature that sooth’s and calms me.  I write a lot which gives me freedom of expression. I engage with others who are supportive of my goals and dreams.  Most of all I have learnt to love myself and to provide for myself the needs that I have.

What can you do for yourself that nurtures you?  Soothes you?  Comforts you? 

The little girl inside me has grown up, she looks through new eyes and knows that regardless of another person’s lack of love that they have their reasons why and that is their stuff, not mine.  That little girl now knows that who she is is lovable, worthy and whole just as she is.

You are that little girl or little boy and I promise you that whatever your past who you are is so worth loving.

Be sure to nurture and love the child inside you, she still exists

Where do you fit in when it comes to a mothers love?

  • Do you/did you have a happy and fulfilling relationship with your mum? 
  • What memories come to mind when you think of your mum.  Are they positive or negative memories?
  • Are you/were you able to be all of who you are with her?
  • Are you/were you loved, accepted and approved of?
  • Do you/did you feel heard, understood and respected in your relationship with her?
  • How often do you see or speak to your mum.  How do those conversations and meetings leave you feeling?
  • What would you change if you could  change anything in your relationship with you mum, past or present?
  • What have you been seeking that you have not found in your relationship with you mum?
  • Can you provide what you want/wanted from her for yourself and meet your own needs?
  • If you gave to yourself all of the love, approval and acceptance you have been seeking what would change?

Love is a funny thing and as adults we still seek our unmet needs from childhood, operating from the younger part of ourselves searching until we find what it is we want, often outside of ourselves and projecting those unmet needs onto others to fulfil.

When you understand the dynamics you have in relationships, not just with your mothers but other people too, you gain an understanding that regardless of how other people treat you that this is about them and not about you.

When you are able to meet your own needs and provide to yourself everything you need, if a relationship ends or is not fulfilling you as you wish it to,  you are still whole and complete, nothing is taken away from you because you have inside everything you will ever need.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  An opportunity to nurture yourself with tender loving care.

Today is gift.  Look forward to the future and create a life for yourself worth living.  

Look inside yourself for what you desire externally and you might surprise yourself that you have everything inside yourself that you will ever need.

If you ever wondered whether there was a limit pg 177

If you would like to talk over your own experience of difficult love relationships then please do make contact.  I specialise in working with women and children, helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems. I work in person and also over Skype.

Find YOU, Find LOVE workshops are available monthly in Sutton, Surrey.  For dates and content of the workshop to get you back on track to finding you and finding love go to http://www.eventbrite.co.uk/o/wendy-fry-7394420133

My first book Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT is available on amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460 

Visit www.wendyfry.com to download some free resources from the book alongside two audio downloads 21 Steps to Love and Standing in the Spotlight of Love

From my heart to yours with love

x Wendy

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01 Dec

Slave to Love

Are you a slave or master of love?

Some of you may remember Bryan Ferrry’s Slave to Love hit single for Roxy Music back in the 80’s.  I was definitely a slave to love back in the day though that has all changed for me, what about you?

Take a moment to reflect on your love relationships

To find out if you are a slave or master of love check out The Love and Relationship Inventory taken from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE It’s is free for you to download  at  https://wendyfry.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Love-and-Relationship-Inventory1.pdf

If you like what you read you may wish to explore all the amazing resources in Find YOU Find LOVE available on amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460

Get to the heart of love and relationships

The love and relationship inventory is designed to bring clarity to your love and relationship experiences and beliefs. As you read through the inventory, answer honestly if the statements resonate with you.   While completing this you will gain insights into whether you are indeed a slave or master of love.

Somewhere along the line you would have learnt beliefs and behaviours that meant you put love and self worth outside of yourself. There may have been times through your life experiences where you have felt unworthy, unloved and rejected, though if this has been your experience in the past, there is no evidence that history will repeat itself, except for your thinking making it so and making you a slave to love.

You may notice that you behave the same way in all relationships and that you l seek approval, acceptance and love from outside of yourself across a wide variety of relationship experiences.  You may find yourself drifting form one relationship to another without a gap, you may have affairs or seek out attention and validation through a range of outlets that make you feel loved, you may feel it too daunting to be single or alone, all these things may contribute to you being a slave to love.

Use the statements on the inventory as a guiding light to get clear on what you need to change about your perceptions and beliefs and how you view love and relationships. It’s never too late to improve the relationship you have with yourself and this in turn will lead you o becoming a master of love instead of a slave.

Slave to love

To check out if you are a master to love go to https://wendyfry.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Self-Love-Inventory-Heart-Based-Practical-Exercise1.pdf to see how well you’re doing in this department.

Emotions are a record of the past in their own right and there to help us, not to harm us, it just depends on how we view the emotion as to whether we use it to limit us or help us to grow from the experience of feeling this emotion.

It’s natural when you explore love and relationships that all sorts of thoughts, feelings and emotions could raise to the surface, some good and some not so good. If you feel you need some help and support to work through your love and relationship problems I offer a choice of  1-2-1 support services or workshops https://wendyfry.com/services/ It will be my pleasure to support you to become a master of love.

Working 1-2-1 in person or over Skype  www.wendyfry.com | info@wendyfry.com

23 Nov

Are you still learning about love?

The Beatles sang ‘All You Need is Love’ but to love or not to love, that is the question?  When we are hurt and a relationship ends,  often the thought of ever loving someone again or being loved may seem like an impossible dream, is this true for you?

We all crave love in our lives, though sometimes love can be painful and that can create fear of ever loving again.  We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, uncertain of the future, unsure of our lovability or even our capacity to love again.

We may beat ourselves up and say things like ‘when will I learn to trust my instincts he/she was wrong for me from the start’ , we may berate ourselves and tell ourselves ‘I’m stupid to have ever trusted again’, we might wonder ‘what am I doing wrong?’and ‘why do I keep attracting the same type of partner?’  We might feel hopeless about love and relationships and steer clear of forming new ones based on past experiences and fear that the past will repeat itself again.

  • How much of the 86,400 seconds in your day is taken up worrying, anguishing and thinking about love and relationships? 
  • How much thought and air time do you give to talking about love when things go bad? 
  • How do your thoughts affect you physically, emotionally, spiritually?
  • Does love despair spill over into your working life?
  • What’s the cost of keeping hold of the thoughts and feelings about love and relationships that you may be having right now?

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  • What are you willing to change?
  • What actions can you take that would  make you feel better than you do right now?
  • How will you know when you’ve worked through your love and relationship problems and feel ready to love again?
  • What will that look like, feel like, sound like for you?
  • If you were to focus on what is possible in terms of love and relationships and you took actions to implement all that can be, how would your life be different?
  • Need some help in getting started?

As a love and relationship expert, many of my clients say ‘how long will it take to get over this?’ My answer is, it’s different for each and every person. When a relationship ends, it is always an opportunity for careful exploration of ‘the self’ and what may contribute to making the wrong choices from the start.

When you look inside and work though the things that may have contributed to love and relationship problems, well that’s the best relationship investment you will ever make.  Instead of looking outside of ourselves for love, acceptance, approval and a sense of self, it’s Important to do the ‘inner work’ and explore how we each operate in and out of a love relationship.

Find YOU, Find LOVE http://goo.gl/crnvoZ  is my first book about love and relationships and focuses on the relationship you have with yourself.  It’s a workbook full of practical exercises and techniques that help you explore your past and what may be contributing to love and relationship problems for you right now.

There is a full love and relationship inventory in the book, or you can download here for free http://www.wendyfry.com/resources   Use the inventory to gather the information that will help you work through your love and relationship beliefs.

You may need some support after completing the inventory to work towards transforming past doubts and future fears, though in doing so, you will gain a greater sense of self and in turn be confident that who you are is lovable regardless of the past circumstances and events that will have shaped you life up to now.

If you’d like to work with me in person in Surrey or over Skype, please do make contact to discover how The Spotlight Process and EFT (The Emotional Freedom Technique) can get you back on track. If you need some 1-2-1 support and guidance please do contact me direct to see how I can be of support to you via http://www.wendyfry.com

Still learning about Love?  If you want to take control of your future, resolve the past and make the rest of your life the best of your life.  Choose Find YOU, Find LOVE, in doing so you will find yourself, an endless fountain of love and joy that you may not have even been aware of.

x