As Mother’s day approaches I know that for many of you this will bring up mixed emotions.
For some there will be love and a feeling of closeness and connection and for others perhaps a sense of loss or disconnect depending on the status of your relationship with your mum.
Both a good friend of mine and my dad lost their mothers when they were children. I can only imagine how devastating this must have been to have learned of the death at such an early age and a relationship taken away before it was fully able to develop fully into adulthood.
We grieve not only the loss of a person physically, we also we grieve the relationship we never had and would have liked to have had.
We are all born into the world by a mother. We may have been planned, unplanned, wanted, unwanted and in some instances as I have found in my work with women there have also been occasions where intimacy has not been consented to, this also resulting in pregnancy.
Some of us may have been fortunate to grow up with mothers and experienced a sense of love, nurture and acceptance. For others they may have been fostered, adopted or bought up in homes or orphanages. For some of us, perhaps our grandparents or other family members bought us up and became the figure for a mother in our lives. We also need to consider step mothers too at whatever age they come into our lives as a ‘mother role’.
I’m not a mum so I speak from my own experience and those that my clients haves shared with me and I can only imagine how difficult motherhood can be at times and the range of emotions that go with it.
Many women have shared with me that they loose a ‘sense of self’, personal identity and ‘time to just be’ when they become a mum. Others report not having the career they wanted or the life they wanted to live because of motherhood. Many feel that their life is over rather than having a sense that life has just began as they bring new life into the world.
For me there have been times when I’ve turned to other’s for the love, support and acceptance I have needed growing up. As a teenager I lived with my nan as things were fraught at home.
I feel like a big chunk of my life I have been chasing for a mother’s love that has not been available. Can you relate to that at all?
There have been times when I’ve wanted to be held, comforted, soothed, listened to, encouraged, loved, cherished and told that I can achieve anything I want to because I am good enough, worthy, lovable, wanted. For me this hasn’t been provided by the source I was seeking it from (my mother) and at the age of 48 I’ve gained the acceptance that this won’t change now. Despite a child’s longing inside a grown woman for a love never truly given I’ve seen it for what it is and that’s the relationship we have in the shape that it is, however dysfunctional that might be.
I now have an understanding that I wasn’t wanted, that my mother’s dreams of going into nursing were not fulfilled because of me, that my mother’s depression and lack of self belief all added to the melting pot of bringing a child into the world in a half hearted way. There is no blame here at all, it is what it is and I accept that children can make our lives better or worse. I do not regret knowing this, in fact it’s made me stronger and more determined in my life. I am totally able to look after my own needs as an adult and you can too regardless of whether or not you have a mothers love.
Have you ever been told by your mum that she went along with having children as it was someone else’s idea? Have you been told that you weren’t wanted, an accident, a mistake?
How has having that knowledge shaped your life, your sense of self belief, your feeling of worth and love-ability?
I’ve worked with many people both male and female who have needed help understanding who they are, why they are here and how they can live their lives without their mothers love. It’s such a delicate area to work in and it’s such a joy to see those that I support move on beyond feeling worthless and unwanted to gain a greater sense of self acceptance.
As animals we are adaptive creatures, we adapt to our environment and the people in it. I have learnt to adapt and seek nurture and love from different sources. I have the most amazing friends who I know at the drop of a hat would be there for me in the middle of the night. I have a love of nature that sooth’s and calms me. I write a lot which gives me freedom of expression. I engage with others who are supportive of my goals and dreams. Most of all I have learnt to love myself and to provide for myself the needs that I have.
What can you do for yourself that nurtures you? Soothes you? Comforts you?
The little girl inside me has grown up, she looks through new eyes and knows that regardless of another person’s lack of love that they have their reasons why and that is their stuff, not mine. That little girl now knows that who she is is lovable, worthy and whole just as she is.
You are that little girl or little boy and I promise you that whatever your past who you are is so worth loving.
Where do you fit in when it comes to a mothers love?
- Do you/did you have a happy and fulfilling relationship with your mum?
- What memories come to mind when you think of your mum. Are they positive or negative memories?
- Are you/were you able to be all of who you are with her?
- Are you/were you loved, accepted and approved of?
- Do you/did you feel heard, understood and respected in your relationship with her?
- How often do you see or speak to your mum. How do those conversations and meetings leave you feeling?
- What would you change if you could change anything in your relationship with you mum, past or present?
- What have you been seeking that you have not found in your relationship with you mum?
- Can you provide what you want/wanted from her for yourself and meet your own needs?
- If you gave to yourself all of the love, approval and acceptance you have been seeking what would change?
Love is a funny thing and as adults we still seek our unmet needs from childhood, operating from the younger part of ourselves searching until we find what it is we want, often outside of ourselves and projecting those unmet needs onto others to fulfil.
When you understand the dynamics you have in relationships, not just with your mothers but other people too, you gain an understanding that regardless of how other people treat you that this is about them and not about you.
When you are able to meet your own needs and provide to yourself everything you need, if a relationship ends or is not fulfilling you as you wish it to, you are still whole and complete, nothing is taken away from you because you have inside everything you will ever need.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. An opportunity to nurture yourself with tender loving care.
Today is gift. Look forward to the future and create a life for yourself worth living.
Look inside yourself for what you desire externally and you might surprise yourself that you have everything inside yourself that you will ever need.
If you would like to talk over your own experience of difficult love relationships then please do make contact. I specialise in working with women and children, helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems. I work in person and also over Skype.
Find YOU, Find LOVE workshops are available monthly in Sutton, Surrey. For dates and content of the workshop to get you back on track to finding you and finding love go to http://www.eventbrite.co.uk/o/wendy-fry-7394420133
My first book Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT is available on amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460
Visit www.wendyfry.com to download some free resources from the book alongside two audio downloads 21 Steps to Love and Standing in the Spotlight of Love
From my heart to yours with love