30 Dec

End of Year Reflections

I invite you to use this end of year reflection exercise taking stock of your year so far. The lessons that you’ve learnt about yourself, other people and the world around you.

There may have been some painful parts to 2016, though with learning often the unpleasant situations are our greatest gifts and create positive change and new beginnings in our lives.

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You might like to copy out the questions in a journal and work through them one by one.

2016 Reflections 

• Reflecting back on 2016, what happened month by month?
• What did you really love about 2016?
• What were your magic and special moments?
• What made you smile?
• What made you cry?
• What happened in 2016 that you would rather not go through again?
• What experiences have you been through that you did not enjoy and what did you learn from those experiences?
• What do you need to change? What do you need to start doing, stop doing or do differently? (This can be related to how you spend your time, who you spend time with, your health, and your income, your sense of self, your relationships and any other aspect of your life)
• What important lessons did you learn about yourself; people in general, your body, your work, your family, your relationships, your sense of fulfilment and accomplishment?
• What do you want for 2017? (Answer in the positive tense-no don’t wants’ allowed!)
• What are you committed to achieving?
• What is the most important skill that you want to either further develop or master within yourself?
• What changes and actions are you committed to making in your life?
• What do you need to do in 2017 to get you to be where you want to be?
• If 2016 was a tough year for you so far, how can you use your learning to your best advantage to make next year even better?
• What are you committed to?
• What can you achieve in the next twelve months with focused attention?
• Who were you when you started 2016 and who are you now?
• Who are you becoming?
• What else is possible for you?
I hope that you enjoy completing your end of year reflections. After working through you might like to reread and write up separately your goals and action steps to make 2017 your best year yet!

Set your goals high and don’t stop till you get there! – Bo Jackson

18 Dec

Staying Sane at Christmas

Christmas for many can be a happy occasion but for others it’s a stressful time of year.

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The classic saying ‘let bygones be bygones’ is often easier said than done.

If your thoughts are on all the things that could go wrong over the festive season guaranteed having the expectation will bring more of the same.

The thing is – you don’t have to do what you’ve always done, you don’t have to think how you’re always thought and you don’t have to act and behave in ways which aren’t helpful to you or anyone else.

It’s natural that we may want to protect ourselves from criticism, the judgement of others, expected arguments and the continuation of a family feud but in reality it can be so different.

Just one small change needs to be made and that change begins with you.

Instead of thinking about what you don’t want, focus on the most positive outcome possible then hold the vision and trust the process that this too will come to pass.

The Spotlight Process will help you to stay sane at Christmas enormously.

You might like to copy out and carry around these questions until they become familiar in your thought pattern.  Instead of responding in the old way, begin afresh by exploring the meaning and beliefs you are placing on an event, experience or in relation to the person you are in conflict with.

1. Where is my thinking right now? (Past, Present or Future?)

2. What proportion of my thinking is negative?

3. How does it affect me when I focus on the negative?

4. Where is the evidence that what I think will happen will happen?

5. What do I want instead of thinking or feeling this way?

6. Coming from my heart instead of my head what would love do here?

Ready to know more about The Spotlight Process and how embracing and applying this process in your life not just at Christmas will change your reality, simply follow this link which will take you to my first book ‘Find YOU, Find LOVE: Get to the heart of love and relationships using EFT.

Here’s to staying sane at Christmas,

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy

15 Nov

Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

What is it you want to change?

Making change and setting new boundaries begins with you.  As much as you might want your significant other, mother, co-worker, best friend or neighbour to change, you will find it far easier to make the change begin with you.  It might mean you have to step out of your comfort zone, be assertive, feel uncomfortable for a while and face your fears but without making the change to make new choices, nothing will change.

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Reflect on these questions first before reading The 10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to stop doing?
•  What would you like ‘insert the name of the person here’ to start doing?
•  What do you want ‘insert the name of the person here’ to do differently?

 
•  What are you willing to stop doing?
•  What are you able to start doing?
•  What can you do differently to improve your relationship?

In relationships, until we can speak up and communicate our needs clearly, assertively and respectfully, the problems, challenges and the behaviours of those we have relationships with, remain the same.  When we change the way we communicate consistently, there is every possibility those around us will be influenced by the change and mirror back to us the positive communication.

10 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

1. Speak from the ‘I’. (‘‘I would like you to listen to what I’m about to say. I would like to make some positive changes in our relationship. I feel we would benefit from putting the past behind us. It would mean so much to me if you are able to hear what I’ve communicated and consider my requests, thank you for considering this’’) Saying thank you at the end of a statement like this voices the assumption that the other person will listen and acknowledge your proposal.

2. Keep communications in the positive and future tense (‘‘What I would like is for us to do is XYZ.  I believe we would both benefit from this change’’)

3. Clearly identify your boundary. Spend time figuring out what you want before you voice your limits (Do you need your neighbour, friend, your mother to stop turning up unannounced or calling you when you’re in the middle of preparing an evening meal. Would you prefer them to call round at a specific time when you are both free?)

4. Understand why you need a boundary. What’s your motivation and reason for setting this boundary? (If it’s not convenient for your neighbour, mother or friend to turn up or call without notice, let her know you will have undivided time them if you can call at 8pm for 30 minutes once the children are in bed)

5. Make your communications clear. Be direct and assertive in your conversation (If you fear conflict or confrontation you may not say exactly what you mean, which leaves room for confusion or doubt). It might spare the person you are in conflict with feelings if you aren’t direct and to the point but how will you feel? What is the cost if you do nothing to make this change, who suffers?)

6. Don’t give long explanations or apologise (Setting boundaries isn’t something you need to say sorry for and it doesn’t have to be a long drawn out process. Short, sharp and clear communications works best.  If someone is demanding of your time when it’s inconvenient you have to let them know e.g. (‘‘I would like weekends to myself, I need more time to study, thank you for understanding this. I look forward to meeting you on Wednesday afternoons to catch up’’)

7. Remain calm and polite (Boundaries are best set outside of an argument, getting into dialogue about making change in the heat of the moment when both of you are angry, neither person can really hear the other. Keep your anger in check and leave all sarcasm and condescending tone out of your communications)

8. Start with firm boundaries (It’s easier to loosen a tight boundary after it’s been set rather than trying to tighten a weak boundary.  If your mother or mother in law is interfering and trying to reorganise your home, e.g., ‘‘I’d prefer it if you don’t come into my home when I’m not there. I want the way I’ve left my home to stay the same, I like it how it is.’’ It’s easier at a later date to invite her to take a mini-break in your home while you are away, on the condition she leaves things as they are, or to pop round an hour before you get home if she wants to watch something not available on her own TV package). Don’t overextend yourself or try and ‘people please’ or agree to commitments you will later have to cancel or do begrudgingly. Get clear from the start.

9. Address any breaking of boundaries early on. As soon as a boundary is broken, reset it. Remind the person concerned of your boundary. (‘‘You may have forgotten , I need the weekends to myself study, I can see you on Wednesday afternoons instead’’)

10. Don’t make it personal. Rather than tell the person you are in conflict with everything you think about them being inconsiderate of your time, your appointments and plans it is far easier to be direct. eg (‘‘I’m happy to pick you up and take you to Maggie’s, but you will need to be ready at 10 a.m’’)

It’s possible the person you wish to set boundaries with won’t welcome these changes though in order for your relationship to improve, it’s important to end the struggles you each have within your relationship and find new solutions to old problems.  All it takes is one person to change and this change begins with you.

Stand up for what you want in life, agree to disagree if need be.  If you don’t you are living someone elses life on their terms, not yours, and that’s not really living life at all.

If you’re in need of further support in setting healthy personal boundaries please do make contact at
www.wendyfry.com to discuss best support options.

18 Oct

Keeping Mum

Since the 14th Century people have been talking (or rather not talking) about ”keeping mum”.

So what exactly is this blog post about you might wonder…

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Keeping ”mum” can refer to silence and also a mother.

Now, It’s a universal truth we all have had a mother…

As much as you might like to change your mother, transforming your relationship with her and coming to terms with your past, ultimately begins with you.

If you are experiencing familiar emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, blame or shame, please understand that you are not alone in your search for your mother’s approval, acceptance and love and you no longer need to keep ”mum” and keep it all inside.

With no ‘Dummies Guide’ available to help  you make peace with your mother and move on from past pain, I realised the importance of writing an informative and practical self-help guide specifically aimed at daughters to help them find emotional release, gain personal closure and an understanding of how all daughters’ lives are shaped through the mother-daughter experience.

I want you to know, that it is possible to move beyond the pain you feel inside.  It is possible to move on from your disappointments, regrets, feeling that you are unappreciated, unloved and misunderstood.  It is possible to work towards accepting your mother – warts and all and in turn, you will ease the pain of the past and realise you are worth loving.

Each of you reading this will have your own story when it comes to your mother and for mothers reading this, your story about your daughter will be unique to you.  Our personal realities are based on what we each individually experience and the perceptions and beliefs we filter through.

It is my intention to help you to bring balance to your thinking, guiding you to react and respond to your mother in a way which serves you better and by doing so; you will understand and transform your relationship at the deepest level.

What does the word ‘Mother’ mean to you? When I use the term “mum’’ or “mother’’, I refer to your childhood mother, your mother at the time she raised you.  This may also include a step mother, foster or adoptive mother or ‘other mother figure’ that cared for you.

Until your ‘mother stuff’ is understood and healed, the inner and outer conflicts you have or once had remain a burden.  I reach out to you and offer to share the strategies which have helped in my relationship with my own mother and also the wonderfully open women I have had the privilege to work with in my second book Mothers and Daughters: The guide to understanding and transforming the relationship with your mother

Over the coming weeks my blog will feature and introduce some of the topics covered in Mothers and Daughters.  So if you’ve had enough of ”keeping mum”, this blog and my book are a great place to start making the changes which enable you to feel heard, understood, accepted and loved for who you are.

Regardless of your past, you need not let it shape your future, stay with me and I will show you how.

04 Jul

Missing Events – Making up for lost time

When you think of your past, what was it you wanted you didn’t receive?

Was it the love from another, a promotion, recognition from someone important to you, being included in a group, praise for a job well done or simply feeling accepted for who you are?

Each of us crave different things, often it comes down to the need for love, acceptance, approval or oneness.

Any emotions and feelings not acknowledged in childhood

In my work as a therapist many of my clients talk about the things which happened in their lives which they regret. They tell the story of the disappointments, unfairness, heartbreak, despair and the beliefs they formed about themselves, the world around them and/or other people.

It’s true our past events do affect us until we resolve them but how often do we talk about the missing events and how to heal the past by creating a new way of thinking?

Until I discovered Matrix Reimprinting (you can read more about it here In Karl Dawson and Sasha Allenby’s first book on the subject) Matrix Reimprinting Using EFT: Rewrite Your Past, Transform Your Future, I too had many missing events from my past and many limiting beliefs which were ruining my life.

The beauty of Matrix Reimprinting is you can go back to a time in your past when you formed limiting beliefs such as ‘i’m not good enough’, ‘pretty enough’, ‘slim enough’, ‘worthy enough’, ‘lovable enough’ etc and work with your ECHO (Energetic Consciousness Hologram) otherwise known as your inner child who formed these limiting beliefs.

A little like re-writing a story, working in the matrix gives you the freedom to go back, make up for lost time and say or do what you didn’t say within the  remembered event giving the younger you the power to change your experience of that time.  Although you can’t actually change the past you can go back to the memory of when you formed a limiting belief, learn why you put it in place and clear the energy which remains utilising EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) you can even put in a new ending and take your inner child off in a whole new direction with a fresh and empowering belief which serves you.  There is so much freedom in doing this and life takes on new meaning.

At the age of fifteen, I formed the belief ‘I not lovable’, it was on reflection a misguided belief which came from my father leaving my mother but at the time I took this as a personal rejection, this played out in my life and shaped the outcome of my relationships spanning over 20 years, expecting those I had relationships with to leave or abandon me.  I’ve written about it here in my first book Find YOU Find LOVE.  Which includes EFT to clear the past as well as The Spotlight Process to help you monitor your thoughts, beliefs and how to change them.

Thinking about what it is you want to achieve in your life, what stops you?  

What are the limiting beliefs which get in your way of having loving relationships, the career or promotion you want?

What stops you trying something new?  

Who from your childhood are you still carrying resentment towards?

Which negative emotions do you suffer from the most?

Who or what triggers these emotions?

What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself?

What is preventing you from feeling more at peace with yourself? 

What else is holding you back in your life?

What is your ECHO (inner child) holding onto which still hurts you now?

What are the missing events you wish had happened?

If you were able to go back and create a new ending to an old story/event what would you do or say? 

How would changing your beliefs about yourself, others and the world around you benefit you?

I appreciate there are a lot of questions here.  You can learn more about limiting beliefs and how yours may still be influencing your current reality by downloading the free chapter here

I will continue to share in my blog how making up for lost time, using EFT and Matrix Reimprinting putting you back in control of your life.

Being aware of the past is helpful, living there isn’t.

From my heart to yours (and your ECHO) with love

x Wendy

When you’re ready to work with me you can check out your best programme here 

 

 

 

 

27 Jun

Learning about Love

In recent weeks we’ve covered much on the topic of limiting beliefs connected to love and relationships.

you can backtrack on the posts if you want to understand more about your own beliefs and how they may at times block you from having the kind of love and relationships you desire.

Love and relationship beliefs ~

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

At some point in your life, you would have learnt specific beliefs as they were passed down to you by family members or caregivers, or you would have formed your own love and relationship beliefs based on your own perceptions and experiences growing up and throughout your life. All fears come from the ‘little you’, the ‘inner child’ as it’s sometimes referred to.

Be sure to nurture and love the child inside you, she still exists

As children, we are like sponges soaking up information through all our senses, believing everything we are told by our parents and caregivers. We place meanings as we interpret events and experiences and everything we learn is stored in the subconscious mind. We form beliefs about the world around us and about other people, including love and relationships.

Bruce Lipton, cell biologist explains the concept of this in his book Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There from Here. I have paraphrased his account which details how the subconscious mind downloads information from the environment.

Before the age of six, while we are in what’s called a ‘hypnagogic’ state literally hypnotised by all the information coming at us. Some of the beliefs, perceptions and inferences we form are untrue, our analytical self conscious mind doesn’t fully exist and does not have the filters or discriminations that we develop after the age of six. We form beliefs based on what we ‘assume’ rather than what is fact. This often causes us problems later on in life, especially in the love and relationship area of our lives.

As adults, we hold onto those childhood beliefs, often without questioning where they came from, if they are/were true and if it is appropriate for us to hold onto them now. It’s the beliefs we form about love and relationships at that age, which can become a patterns of behaviour that we default to for the rest of our lives. Our subconscious beliefs keep running until we explore what we believe and how that is showing up in our lives.

Our pre set expectations about love and relationships are based on beliefs, perceptions, judgements and also our need for love, approval and acceptance from others. We often hand over the responsibility of being loved to another person (acting as a child would) and that in itself can put huge pressure on relationships.

Not only do we lose a sense of our identity, we also give up on taking responsibility for ourselves to fulfil our own needs. It often becomes an obsession to get our needs met by others and when they are not met, the issue can feel as crucial as life or death!

As children growing up, it is natural for us to look towards our caregivers and parents to cater to our every whim, to seek for and be rewarded with love, approval, acceptance and nurturing, though as adults it becomes our personal responsibility to give those things to ourselves, It’s no longer appropriate to look outside of ourselves for these things or to demand them in a relationship.

It is no longer appropriate as an adult to act from the ‘little me’ (your younger self/inner child) where you may be coming across as a needy baby or demanding child. In fact it complicates matters if we are constantly clingy, needy and wanting to be ‘filled up’ with love, approval, acceptance or attention from another.

If you’d like to understand more about yourself, your relationships and how your past has influenced you up to now check out my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE

When you’re ready to fully invest in yourself I have a range of support programmes you might like to consider.

I welcome the opportunity to connect with you and your wonderful inner child.

When we truly grow up and take full responsibility to heal old wounds and take care of our own needs, our lives can change dramatically. We have the capacity to totally transform them. Life becomes all that we imagined and more.

From my heart to yours with love,

x Wendy

This blog posts concludes the series related to limiting beliefs, I hope you have enjoyed it.

As a thank you for following you might like to listen to these 2 free MP3’s audios Standing in the Spotlight of Love and 21 Steps to LOVE …enjoy

 

20 Jun

What’s blocking you from love?

It is crucial to ask yourself whether there is any benefit in keeping hold of limiting beliefs about love and relationships.

So far we’ve discussed:

Love and relationship beliefs ~

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

It might seem like an odd question to ask but how do you benefit from holding on to your limiting beliefs?

We often hold onto something that may limit us as it has a ‘pay off’ or secondary gain, a benefit of some sort.  We may do this unconsciously without even realising it.   More often than not, the things we say we don’t want and don’t like are things familiar to us.  The feeling of familiarity and staying in our comfort zones can be appealing, even if we say we don’t like it, it’s known and in many ways feels ‘safe’.

It’s time to stop shining the light on the past, because that’s not where the future is

Think about the problem or limiting belief that you would like to change.  Measure the percentage of each belief and how true it is for you 0% being untrue and 100% being totally true for you.

  • Do I deserve to get over this problem?
  • Is it good for me to get over this problem?
  • Is it safe for me to get over this problem?
  • Is it safe for others if I get over this problem?
  • Is it possible for me to overcome this problem?
  • Can I choose to allow myself to get over this problem?

If your answers are anything less than 100% you might want to have a word with yourself, reflecting on the following questions

  • Am I willing to do what it takes to get over this problem?
  • What are the negative aspects of no longer having this problem?
  • What would I lose if you didn’t have this problem?
  • What are the positive aspects of not having this problem?
  • What needs to happen for me to end this situation?
  • What resources do I have or need to end this situation?

Changing beliefs need not be difficult.  The first step towards changing our limiting beliefs is with awareness

There are many tools and techniques available to support you in changing beliefs.  Martix reimprinting utilising EFT and The Spotlight Process are two of my preferred techniques to aid in belief change. You can find out more here

To check in further and to gauge if there are any resistances to changing your beliefs, current problems and challenges ponder on the following questions and answer with a yes or no.

  • I deserve to get over this problem
  • It is safe for me/others to get over this problem
  • I am willing to do what it takes to get over this problem
  • I will allow myself to get over this problem
  • I am ready to get over this problem
  • It is good for me to get over this problem
  • It is possible for me to overcome this problem
  • I benefit from getting over this problem
  • Others benefit from me getting over this problem
  • I have what it takes to get over this problem
  • I choose to get over this problem
  • I want to get over this problem

If you answer mostly no’s please do make contact and let’s work together to change those limiting beliefs.  Alternatively you can always explore my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE to get you back on track.

You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new – Brian Tracey

13 Jun

Love and Relationship Beliefs

Limiting beliefs are something we have all experienced at one time or another.

Sometimes our beliefs work for us but often times when it comes to love and relationships our past experiences are what limit us when it comes to love.

In recent weeks we’ve discussed:

Thought power ~

How our beliefs influence the way we feel and what we choose to do ~

Limiting beliefs and lifetime issues ~

Discovering your limiting beliefs ~

This week’s blog will give you an opportunity to reflect specifically on your love and relationship beliefs.

You might like to record the answers in a journal as you go along.

  • What limiting negative beliefs do you have about love?
  • What limiting negative beliefs do you have about relationships?
  • What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself? (i.e. I’m not good enough)
  • What love and relationship beliefs are influencing your life negatively right now?
  • Where do these beliefs come from?
  • How did you come to believe what you do?
  • Are these beliefs your own or ones that were passed down to you?
  • What does having those beliefs mean to you/say about you?
  • What triggers these beliefs?
  • What does this belief accomplish?
  • Are the beliefs appropriate for you today, or ones that you picked up years ago and forgot to update?
  • What are the beliefs you hold about yourself in terms of love and relationships?
  • What is the negative impact of having these beliefs?
  • Is there any benefit or reason for keeping these beliefs?
  • What alternative beliefs could you choose?
  • If you changed those beliefs, what would you be able to do that you can’t do now?
  • What happens when you change those limiting beliefs?
  • What will you gain from letting go of these limiting beliefs?
  • What positive and empowering beliefs would you like to have about yourself, love and relationships instead of the above?

Slave to love

Understanding beliefs and past conditioning

At this point in your life you may have many different beliefs about love and relationships running.  When I say running, I mean running like movies running through your mind or running like taped conversations playing over in your head or an endless series of thoughts, feelings and emotions moving through you.

When you think of the love and relationship movies you have been playing in your mind can they be compared a romance with a happy ending or is yours more of a heartbreak hotel scenario?

These movies often represent a constant flow of negatives (the voice of our inner critic/voice of doom, like a parasite that eats away at us from the inside and a voice we start to believe in and feelings that we think are real). We replay over and over the same movies and the same story, until story becomes engrained.  That movie or inner story then becomes a default behaviour that we respond to when presented with a situation that is like one we have experienced before and triggers off what we believe to be true.  Most of what we react to has very little to do with a new experience and everything to do with past experiences (old movies)

Here are some general beliefs about love and relationships that you might be familiar with and may well form part of your own story or movie.  Which statements do you identify with?

  • ‘’Men/women are all the same’’
  • ‘’Men/woman can’t be trusted’’
  • ‘’Men/women are selfish and only think about themselves’’
  • ‘’Men/women will only let you down’’
  • ‘’You’re better off on your own’’
  • ‘’Love hurts’’
  • ‘’Nothing lasts forever’’
  • ‘’Relationships are a waste of time’’
  • ‘’Nothing good ever happens to me’’

What additional statements do you find yourself repeating time and time again based on your experiences (movies?)

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it – Rumi

Next time we talk about what’s blocking you from love.  If you can’t wait to learn more about love & relationships order your copy of Find YOU, Find LOVE right here 

09 Apr

Because it’s all a Matter of Trust

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy ~ Walter Anderson 

  • What does trust mean to you?
  • Who or what comes to mind when you think of not trusting?
  • When has your trust been abused?
  • How hard do you find it to trust others or yourself based on past experience?
  • How will your life change when you are able to trust fully?
  • What are the benefits of trusting?

It’s been an interesting week.  On Monday I sent out a survey related to love and relationships and asked the question ‘what do you struggle with the most when it comes to relationships?’  An interesting theme emerged with over half of the respondents saying trust was their biggest issue on the other side of that was fear.

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Because the content of the survey was confidential I can’t go into the details of what was shared though we can explore further the issue of trust in general terms and it all comes down to the perceptions and beliefs we place on things.  Whether those beliefs be about men, women, people generally, organisations, government, religions etc,  it’s the meaning we place on people and events that will either make us trust or distrust.

It would probably be fair to say that those of you reading this have experienced either having your trust abused or not being trusted at some point in your life.

When it comes to trusting in love and relationships our past experiences become our filter and depending on the aspects of the past we may go on to believe our relationships will be not fulfilling, long lasting, fair or even trustworthy.  We literally take our past experience and project it into the future. I sometimes call this ‘mud slinging’.

Another example of not trusting might be a restaurant making a mistake with your bill total and charging too much.  You may never visit again or will check your bill every time you do.  You form a belief about what will happen which limits you tasting the delicious food or enjoying the ambience and good service.  You didn’t get what you expected therefore you might not trust them enough with your hard earnt cash to go back and have that extra order of garlic bread ~ with cheese! You are denying yourself of future pleasure because of a past experience.

It’s the same with relationships.  if you’ve been let down in the past by someone you trusted, it’s possible the residue of being hurt is still there for you and in new relationships you might find the need to keep checking your partner can be trusted.  This could come down to checking their social media accounts, their phone, their car and snooping on them.  As well as it being an invasion of privacy,  It really isn’t healthy to do this as you’re not trusting who you are is worth loving and you are!

growing from the past

The past need not repeat itself.  Being aware of the past is helpful but living in the past is limiting you too.  Let yourself be loved by trusting fully whatever happens, you’re still a worthwhile, beautiful and lovable person.

It’s natural to want to have the evidence you can trust someone but not trusting them or yourself is the beginning of the end.  From now on, every day look for evidence you can trust.

You can trust your alarm to go off, your kettle to boil, your body to function, your car to start, day to turn to night.  Look for evidence in your life of trust you have with others including your close friends, your colleagues who you open up to, the person at the bus stop you might tell your life story to.  Trust is everywhere, look for it, not for lack of it and more of the lovely stuff will show up.

Notice what you partner does, which indicates they can be trustednot what they don’t do.  Notice the qualities and attributes you have which make you a great catch!

Even though i’m a love and relationship consultant,  I write about this topic not from an expert point of view but through personal experience.  In my early relationships, i’ve driven people away from not trusting.  I may as well have worn the t-shirt ‘don’t come near me, I won’t trust you’.  I was my own worst enemy.

Even when significant others have told me ‘I love you’, I chose not to believe them.  I spent a good part of my life believing I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc and had the underlying belief ‘I’m not lovable’. 

Now that i’ve worked through where my abandonment issues came from i’ve been able to reflect back and understand why I wasn’t trusting and have been able to move out of fear and into love.

  • If you find yourself not trusting because you fear the past repeating itself, you’re not alone.  So many people don’t trust as it seems like a safe bet but actually you’re only limiting yourself from having an amazing relationship 
  • If you believe you’re not good enough you may even keep attracting, not good enough relationships and settling for second best.  Who you are is good enough and always has been.  The circumstances of your life need not shape your future. 
  • If you find yourself doubting your relationships will last, the doubt will creep in and grow.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life and an opportunity to build trust and in doing so create for yourself a happier future

If you really want to learn to trust again, the inner work begins with you.  I can share with you the tools and techniques which moved me from a snooping undercover detective to someone who trusts that whoever I meet whether it is on a new friendship, getting to know colleagues or investing fully in significant other relationships.  I trust totally and completely whatever I learn will be perfect for my self development.  I believe who I am is worthy and lovable regardless of what others say or do, this can be your experience too.

Who you are is so worth loving and when you trust yourself enough to believe in this the relationship you have with you and others changes.

Check out the free love and relationship resources including two audio downloads at http://www.wendyfry.com .  Be sure to download free from my website, the chapter on limiting beliefs from my first book Find You, Find LOVE  Helping you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems.

Trust is the glue of life.  It’s the most essential ingredient of effective communication.  It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships – Stephen Covey

From my heart to yours, with love,

x Wendy

 

 

26 Mar

Slow Down You Move Too Fast

You’ve got to make the morning last…

Just kickin’ up the cobble stones…

Looking for fun and feelin groovy…

I wonder how many of you found yourself singing along with this all time famous Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel song? Feel free to listen in by clicking the link and hum along as you read this week’s blog which is all about slowing down, going inside and finding out about you and what you want.

In recent weeks I’ve become a bit overwhelmed with things.  I wonder if you too can relate to saying yes to other people’s requests when you really mean to say no?

Do you find yourself over committing, saying yes when you mean no, agreeing to do things and then wondering how you can get out of it?

I love to help people, it’s second nature to me to say a big fat YES without stopping to consider, do I have time for this extra thing?  I’ve realised the more I say yes to others, the more I say no to me and this often depletes my energy supply and source of happiness.

So just like Mr Snail here, I slowed down, had a serious word with myself, reflected on what i’ve already committed to, I re-evaluated my goals and also explored what is it about me that says yes before I say no.

snail-393250_1280 (2)

Many of us learn in childhood to put our needs last and to consider other people before we think about what it is we want.  We are told it’s selfish not to do so.  It’s natural as children and as adults too,  to seek the approval of others and to want be accepted and in doing so have this default behaviour of opening our mouths, saying yes and then squirming when you really meant to say no.

In what situations do you find yourself saying yes when you really don’t want to?

  • Work
  • Relationships
  • Family
  • Friends
  • New ventures
  • Neighbours

In my experience ‘The Universe’, will keep throwing the same lessons to you until you learn what it is you need to learn from the situation.  In the case on my own recent yes, yes, yes, I realised this was a very old pattern of mine which needed some serious updating.

Even if you have an underlying fear of upsetting other people, by saying yes it’s only you who suffers.

Saying yes to you doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people, it’s a little like putting the oxygen mask on first, if you aren’t saying yes to you your emotional and physical health may suffer as a result of overstretching yourself.

  • What can you do today to say yes to you?
  • What do you need to start doing, stop doing or do differently  in order to fulfil your dreams?
  • Trace back where you first learned saying yes to you and no to others was wrong.  How old were you and is it still appropriate right now to operate from an outdated belief?
  • How does keeping your early behaviours limit you?

If you can’t say no these options may help you:

  • I have too much on right now
  • Have you asked …if they can help, i’m not able to
  • Thanks for asking me, I appreciate it, it’s not something i can say yes to
  • I’m flattered you’ve asked me, thank you, i’m going to say no as it doesn’t fit in with my plans
  • It sounds like you need some support, have you thought about who else can give this to you as i’m not available 
  • Can you come back to me in a few months time if no one else can help I may be able too once i’ve worked through prior commitments

Saying no, or versions of no might well make you uncomfortable at first, though the more you do it the easier it gets.

I will leave you to ponder:

  • In what areas of your life you might be over stretching yourself?
  • What is the negative aspect of over giving, how does this show up emotionally and physically for you?
  • By saying  yes to things you don’t want to how does this impact your time, energy, health and well-being?

Let your yes be yes and your no be no now 

Say yes to you!