15 Apr

Your Past Need Not Define Your Future

How often does what’s happened in the past limit you?

Whether it’s starting a new relationship, ending one which isn’t working, changing your job or improving your health what limiting beliefs get in the way?

Do you tell yourself ‘I can’t do it’, ‘men, women, people in general can’t be trusted’, ‘I’ll never be able to manage on my own’, ‘all the good jobs are taken’, ‘I can’t keep my weight off’

Would you ever talk to a best friend like that?  Telling them they’re useless, their ideas will never work, they might as well give up?  No, I don’t think so, so why do you do this to yourself?

Back in the day when I was considering becoming a coach and NLP Practitioner I will admit I had a lot of self doubt.

My inner Gremlin which was rather like the meanest, nastiest bully.  It would tell me things such as:

  • You’re not good enough 
  • You’ll never understand it
  • There are so many others out there doing this, why would they want little ole me!

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I also had so called friends telling me:

  • There’s no money it it
  • It’s too competitive and cut throat
  • Everyone is giving up their day job and becoming a coach
  • Why would you want to give up your day job

In hindsight i know my friends were advising me as if they were in the situation, these were their fears, I didn’t need to make them mine.  I realised my own self doubts came from the past when I found it hard to understand letters and numbers and when I though everyone else was better than me.

The truth is I realised I could stay the same doing a 9-5 and not really using the gifts I naturally have or I could fly by the seat of my pants and create for myself a different future.

In the end that small voice inside got a little louder and said ‘You can do this!’ and well, that was ten years ago now.  Since that time i’ve achieved so much and helped others achieve their dreams too.

Having been someone who let the past get in the way once too often I’ve developed a process helping you to move on from the past.  It’s shared in my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE though I wanted to share some snippets with you here:

Using The Spotlight Process on the stories in your mind

From this moment on, when you get caught up in a story in your mind, please take a moment and reflect:

  • What part of your story is a replay of what happened in the past?
  • How often do you tell this story?
  • When you tell this story, how do you feel?
  • Is your story one that you are creating about the future with a negative expectation based on the past?
  • How is thinking in this way limiting you?
  • What are the consequences of thinking this way?
  • What do you want instead?

When your story is a replay from the past or is a negative projection into the future your body responds as if you are actually experiencing fear simply because you are thinking about it. The memory isn’t real though your mind and body may think it is real and project fear of attack into situations that are really quite safe.  Our unconscious mind will do everything it can to keep us safe even if there is no actual risk.  It’s a self protection mechanism.

Practical Exercise using The Spotlight Process (15 minutes)

Periodically throughout the day and at the end of each day, use The Spotlight Process to take stock of where you have spent most of your thought time (past, present or future) and answer the following questions which complement the process beautifully.

  • What have I been focusing on?
  • Where have my thoughts been (past, present future?)
  • How have I been talking to myself for the last hour or two?
  • Have I been talking to myself in a kindly way or a critical way?
  • What images, stories, thoughts or feelings have experienced today that have caused me distress?
  • Which emotions and feelings have I experienced the most today?
  • Have I been thinking about the future negatively or positively?
  • What advice can I give myself so that tomorrow is a better day?
  • What choices can I make that will take me closer to my goals?

When you use the past to work for you rather than against you, instead of responding from the part of you (the child within) conditioned by your parents or caregivers you are able to reply from the adult you.

Responding from your adult self will support you to grow, to take action and to achieve great things you desire.  Responding from the adult you, encourages you to take risks, to blossom, to treat yourself with love and kindness, to be the best that you can be.

Download your free chapter on limiting beliefs work through your demons and create for yourself a magnificent future. If you need a helping hand I offer a range of support programmes

The Past is Over

If your light is always in the past, you cannot see the future

08 Nov

Your Mind is Amazing!

Your mind is amazing!

It’s a complete storehouse of information that you have gathered throughout your life from birth to now.

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We store information through our senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and through feelings)

Our minds can be compared to enormous filing cabinets or hard drives storing various movies that contain the good, bad and ugly experiences from out pasts.

Just imagine your mind as this enormous warehouse storing your own personal past.

What movies do you have archived away?

Which movies bring up fear, anger, sadness, bitterness and pain, putting you in a state of dis-ease?

These films are like taped conversations playing over in your head or an endless series of thoughts, feelings and emotions moving through you.

Although an event happened in the past we might re-live it a thousand times over by thinking about it, re-experiencing it like it was actually happening all over again.

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• Which personal movies of yours are on constant replay?

• How often do you wake up and go to sleep with an old movie still running?

• How does this affect you emotionally and physically?

• What do you want instead?

These movies often represent a constant flow of negative experiences that we’ve been through (the voice of our inner critic/voice of doom, like a parasite that eats away at us from the inside and a voice we start to believe in and feelings that we think are real).

We replay over and over the same movies and the same story, until story becomes engrained.

The movie or inner story then becomes a default behaviour that we respond to when presented with a situation that is like one we have experienced before and triggers off what we believe to be true.

Most of what we react to has very little to do with a new experience and everything to do with past experiences (old movies)

What a liberation to realise that ‘the voice in my head’ is not who I am. ‘Who am I, then? The One who sees that – Eckhart Tolle

Head F**k

Pardon my language here, though I feel it needs to be said.  What we allow into our minds and what we play over and over really does leave us feeling f**ked at times.

Think back to the past and remember a time when you spent all day worrying over something.  Perhaps you experienced sleepless nights and upset stomach?  Were you, smoking or drinking too much to help you cope?

We are our own worst enemies, re-living arguments from decades ago, complaining about the weather, our partners, the rate of inflation, the youngsters of today, the state of the health service, our fears for the future….I’m exhausted just typing this up and this is what our thoughts can do to us.

We cling onto negative feelings, thoughts and emotions not realising that it’s us that suffers.

We become addicted to talking about all the things wrong with life seldom coming up for air.

  • How often do you feel overwhelmed emotionally?
  • What happens to your physical body when your thought time is filled up with worrying thoughts?
  • What are your energy levels like when your focus is on what’s wrong going wrong for you?
  • What happens to your sleep pattern?
  • How is your daily diet and digestion affected?
  • What do you actually gain by going over and over events from the past, ranting, complaining, moaning and perhaps even nagging?

If you want a happier life, more connected relationships, greater confidence and good health read on.

Unless we gain control over our minds we really will be F****d! 

Remember, you are not your thoughts!

In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first – Jimi hendrix

 

Practical Exercise – Mind Dump: Freeing the mind one thought at a time

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Find yourself a note book or better still a lovely big pad of A4 paper and grab yourself a pen.  You’re literally going to dump out what’s in your mind freehand.

There’s nothing more liberating than setting yourself free from the ‘poop’ from the past that you’ve been holding onto. 

For this mind dump activity, I suggest that you do it first thing in the morning, last thing at night and whenever you feel emotionally overwhelmed.

If you’re dumping a lot that’s good – better out than in!

There’s nothing complicated about the activity you simply write out what’s on your mind un-censored.  Let rip and have a good old rant on paper, really say what you want to say, nothing is banned here, only you will see it.

You may have several topics that you write about such as people or outside circumstances that are causing you stress.

Write about your worries, concerns, fears, doubts, injustices, anxieties, frustrations, uncertainties etc.

Just write what comes into your head and allow yourself the freedom to voice your thoughts.

Write until you can no longer think of what to write.  Get it all out!

The more frequently you do the mind dump exercise the less you will find you have to think about and in turn the less you will have to write.

You will feel better for doing this exercise on a regular basis and feeing your mind.

No one else has had to hear your rants, you haven’t gone into the same story over and over in the day telling everyone you know what you’re going through, making them feel f****d too, you simply write and get it all out freely and easily.

If you need to cry do, get some extra soft tissues and make sure to give yourself some TLC (Tender Loving Care) as you work through freeing your mind.

Things can only get better from here on in.

The primary cause of our unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it –Eckhart Tolle

The Past is Over and You Have Your Whole Life Ahead of You

When we begin to realise that the past is over and it’s purely our thinking keeping it alive, we gain a sense of freedom.

No one ‘thinks us’. 

We wake up and realise that we do in fact have ownership over of the power of our own minds and that we can choose how we react and respond to life’s ups and downs.

If you need some help in finding clarity, support in working through your poop and making the rest of your life the best of your life I will be delighted to work with you please do make contact at info@wendyfry.com

For general therapy & support http://www.bepositive.me.uk

For love and relationship support http://www.wendyfry.com

07 Dec

What do you say when you talk to yourself?

You may have noticed that you have a voice inside your head that sometimes whispers very gently to you words of encouragement, acknowledgement and praise, words of comfort, care and understanding.  Words of support and tenderness though, more often than not, the second you have your back turned that voice may  bellow,  cagoule, ridicule and remind you of your faults , your inadequacies and may nag you at times, seldom coming up for air.

I like to call my voices ‘The Voice of Doom’ and ‘The Voice of Love’. Do you have names for yours?

That negative inner voice may criticise you, judge you, compare you and tell you you’re not good enough, worthy enough, capable enough or strong enough.  Worse than that, it may even call you names or swear at you.   It may keep you tied to the belief that you’re not lovable, that relationships cause pain and opening your heart to love is too risky.

Your voice is with you morning, noon and night, it can turn on the charm or pull the rug out from under your feet until you have a word with it and rein it in.  That voice is with you at every stage of your life, every decision you make, every crossroads you face, every choice and every venture is dictated by that voice.  Everyone has an internal voice, an endless stream of chatter a narrator talking you through your waking moments and through your dreams as well!

Chapter 4 ‘The Past’ from my first book Find YOU, Find LOVE explores in detail aspects of the past that may be limiting you from love which will include The Voice of Doom. To order you copy go to http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1910202460

Confronting and questioning the voice of doom

Name your own voices and identify them as characters, the voices you may in fact know, they may be the voice of your parents, teachers, people you have lost contact with or a combination of internalised voices merging together, these voices are in fact just thoughts.

Creative Practical Exercise (15 minutes)

angled pencil

Draw your voices (your versions of the voice of doom and the voice of love) in your journal or on pieces of paper.

Find a way to record the voices as characters perhaps sketching them or you may like to make a collage of how the voices look.

It’s been interesting in my work to see my clients drawing their characters, changing the voices of the characters in their heads and also naming and shaming the voice of doom.

There is a stark contract between the voice of love and the voice of doom, one often an ugly scribble, a monster or a mess.  The voice of love gentle, flowing and beautiful.

Adding humour to the problem

That critical inner voice doesn’t have the same impact when you turn it into a cartoon voice, speed up or slow down the voice.  It’s very cathartic to get a grip on the voices and realise that you control them, they don’t control you.  Adding humour to the voice of doom changes the impact it has on you.

The voice of doom you may be familiar with as it’s often the louder of the two voices in your head.  It’s the voice that holds you back, the voice that takes you down and holds you tight in the grip of fear.  It has a detective like persona that will only look for and gather together all the negatives it can about why love and relationships are ill fated, impossible, too risky, and too scary.  This voice will do little to encourage you to be open to the love, hope, joy and connection which having a positive relationship can bring.

The purpose of the critical voice

You may have found your voice of doom likes keeping you in your comfort zone where everything is safe and familiar; it shelters you from perceived threats, from the risk of harm, from danger, it is on the lookout, constantly gathering information to support the negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, other people and the world around you.

The voice of doom actually has a positive intention and what’s beneath its harshness is a form of protection and tries to keep you safe from perceived risks to your survival.

Your internal dialogue was formed as part of your life experience from childhood to today.  Every voice you have ever heard will become part of your own inner landscape and contribute to how you talk to yourself in moments of joy and moments of stress.

Knowing that the negative voice is really there to try and protect you gives a different meaning to it.  As adults we can reflect on whether or not we listen to that voice or simply thank it for trying to watch out for us and then make our decisions based on the facts of a situation.

 ‘’We were born with love, fear is something we learn’’ Marianne Williamson

The voice of love

The voice of love comes from deep within, from the very heart of you, from your intuition or what some may call higher wisdom (or gut feeling) from the very core of your being, the voice that was part of you when you were born, open to love, open to receiving, open to joy and possibility.

Taking back your power

Once you start to listen to this voice you have the potential to transform your life.  You will be looking through the eyes of love, filtering for opportunity and open to receiving love.  You will move to a place where anything seems possible and you welcome the unknown whatever it brings.  We can never quantify everything, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, find our wings and fly

The job of the voice of love is to keep you true to who you really are, to allow the essence of who you are to flow through, it’s there to guide you towards happiness and love if you will stop and listen.

The voice of love may have been waiting in the wings for decades waiting to be heard. Allow it to step forward, to welcome it with open arms, listen to it and trust and respect that this voice needs some air space too.

Breathe life into the voice of love

Listening to this voice, connecting with it at times of indecision, will serve you well.  Ask yourself ‘’what would love do here?’’ and then let the voice of love (your inner voice) express itself.  This is the voice of your inner power, the truth of who you are.

The voice of love can be compared to a gentle voice perhaps caring for and speaking with a two year old, calming and soothing them, being patient, loving and forgiving.

Now that you understand more about your negative internal voice and its intention you can decide if it’s time to stop listening to the voice of doom, because there is another way – to listen only to the voice of love.

Insightful Questions

 

insightRead through the following questions.

Begin to which voice you pay attention to the most, notice how your emotions change based on which voice you listen to:

  • What voice have you been paying more attention to – the voice of doom or the voice of love?
  • Does one or the other voice get louder when you’re with certain people or in a certain place?
  • Think about the tone of voice and what it says, who does this remind you of?
  • What type of things do your voices say the most often to you?
  • How has listening to the voice of doom affected you and your life to date?
  • What opportunities have you missed out on by listening to the voice of doom?
  • What would you have to give up to hear the voice of love?
  • What can you put in place today to be sure that you listen more to the voice of love and less to the voice of doom?

 

  • How can listening to the voice of love improve your life, love and relationships?

Let love be the answer

We want the voice of love to stay within us at all times with a happy and loving commentary.

You may also wish to draw or find a symbol for the voice of love and know that it is within you at all times.  Acknowledging the voice of love, listening to it, honouring it, respecting it and believing in it will change the way you feel about yourself

Guiding you to listen to your inner self to find the answers to all of the questions you will ever need

The primary cause of our unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it –Eckhart Tolle

If you’d like to download Chapter 3 ‘Love and Relationship Beliefs’ from Find YOU, Find LOVE go to https://wendyfry.com/resources/ where you will find a range of free Pdf’s and audio downloads for your enjoyment.

The next Find YOU, Find LOVE workshop is on Saturday 17th January 2015, reserve your place here https://eventbrite.co.uk/event/13066282603/ I look forward to connecting with you.

If you would like to work with me privately I have a range of services and programmes to suit your needs https://wendyfry.com/services/ It will be my pleasure to support you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems

05 Oct

Old outdated movies and how we remember things

If I asked you to name your top three favourite movies, I bet you would be able to tell me about them straight away. The characters, the story line, the emotions that come up for you watching the film, where you first saw the film and who you were with.  Memorable movies have a place in our hearts, and when we talk about why we love those particular movies so much, we re-experience watching the film for the first time.  We may experience a sense of euphoria filling us up, lightness, hope and a sense of joy.

How we store information through our senses

We store information through our senses and just talking about what is remembered from the movie will re-trigger how you have stored that movie in sensory terms. You may remember what you saw vividly, what you heard with clarity and your favourite lines from the film, what you felt experientially watching it.

As an example, you may remember how you felt watching a love story where the hero and heroine have a happy ending or perhaps one partner dies. Or you remember a comedy that made you split your sides and cry with laughter, or an action film that got the heart racing and the blood pumping through your body or, perhaps a horror film that scared you and kept you awake at night.

In the same way, every time you replay your own personal movies, be aware that the thoughts, feelings and emotions you have, are all on replay and you may experience emotions that are fearful or terrifying. As well as remembering the movies that make you happy, your mind stores all of your life’s experiences as if they were films, you have a storehouse of information within you that you will recall consciously and unconsciously.

The meaning we place on our experiences

Many years ago I studied NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) an approach to communication, personal development and psychotherapy which was created by Richard Bandler and John Grindler. Studying NLP helped me understand the way the mind works, how we store and retrieve information and how we communicate.

The mind is amazing, it’s a storehouse of information that we filter through, judging new experiences through an old lens. We distort, delete and generalise experiences based on what’s happened in previous ‘movies’.  We often predict how something will end even when we have no evidence, we just go back to an old movie that’s similar in some way to the new experience and evaluate it through comparison with the record we already have.

Our past experiences influence how we react to others and the world around us

We often get things totally confused and what is actually happening may not even be recognised, as we have jumped back into default mode where we are basing current experiences that compare to similar ones that we have experienced in the past.

Our past experiences influence how we react to others and the world at large and also determine how we act and behave.   An external event will be experienced through our senses and before we make an internal representation of the event we filter the event. We literally go inside that storehouse of information deleting, distorting and generalising the information through our five senses.

Our storehouse of sensory information

  • Visual (what we see outwardly, including how someone may look at us)
  • Auditory (what we hear, including sounds, the words that we hear and the way words are spoken by others including tone and pitch)
  • Kinaesthetic (what we feel internally inside our bodies or externally via touch, including the texture of something and level of pressure felt physically)
  • Olfactory (smell)
  • Gustatory (taste

Deletion: When we delete information, we may be paying attention only to certain aspects of a situation and delete other aspects overlooking, ignoring and omitting sensory information coming into us. We delete in this way as there is so much information coming into us, that if we didn’t delete we would experience too much sensory stimulation (information overload).

Distortion: It’s easy to misrepresent reality. What is actually happening in an experience can be distorted and we can perceive things incorrectly. We distort, creating imaginary futures often in a negative way.

Generalisation: We can make up and form our beliefs based solely on one or two experiences.  We absorb information and make assumptions about what the information means, comparing it to the information that we have already stored.  Sometimes our assumptions are incorrect.

Insightful Questions

insight

Use these questions to reveal what you may be distorting, generalising and deleting as you process information

  • What aspects of your relationships to you delete? E.g. perhaps your partner takes out the rubbish and mows the lawn but does not say they love you or take you for meals, deleting what someone does do for you which may to them be a loving action can put pressure on a relationship if what they are doing isn’t recognised. Spend some time noticing what others already do for you and you might be surprised and how much they do, do
  • How do you distort information that you are receiving in your relationship? E.g. your husband/wife wants to go on a stag or hen weekend with friends, do you immediately think they are going to be unfaithful to you?
  • When do you generalise negatively about love and relationships? E.g. men/women are all the same, everyone will let you down, no one is worth it etc

 

My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me or defeated me, it has only strengthened me – Steve Maraboli

What do you say when you talk to yourself?

You may have noticed that you have a voice inside your head that sometimes whispers very gently to you words of encouragement, acknowledgement and praise, words of comfort, care and understanding. Words of support and tenderness though, more often than not, the second you have your back turned that voice may  bellow,  cagoule, ridicule and remind you of your faults , your inadequacies and may nag you at times, seldom coming up for air.

I like to call my voices ‘The Voice of Doom’ and ‘The Voice of Love’. Do you have names for yours?

That negative inner voice may criticise you, judge you, compare you and tell you you’re not good enough, worthy enough, capable enough or strong enough. Worse than that, it may even call you names or swear at you.   It may keep you tied to the belief that you’re not lovable, that relationships cause pain and opening your heart to love is too risky.

Your voice is with you morning, noon and night, it can turn on the charm or pull the rug out from under your feet until you have a word with it and rein it in. That voice is with you at every stage of your life, every decision you make, every crossroads you face, every choice and every venture is dictated by that voice.  Everyone has an internal voice, an endless stream of chatter a narrator talking you through your waking moments and through your dreams as well!

Confronting and questioning the voice of doom

Name your own voices and identify them as characters, the voices you may in fact know, they may be the voice of your parents, teachers, people you have lost contact with or a combination of internalised voices merging together, these voices are in fact just thoughts.

Creative Practical Exercise (15 minutes)

angled pencil

Draw your voices (your versions of the voice of doom and the voice of love) in a journal or on pieces of paper.

Find a way to record the voices as characters perhaps sketching them or you may like to make a collage of how the voices look.

It’s been interesting in my work to see my clients drawing their characters, changing the voices of the characters in their heads and also naming and shaming the voice of doom.

There is a stark contract between the voice of love and the voice of doom, one often an ugly scribble, a monster or a mess. The voice of love gentle, flowing and beautiful.

Adding humour to the problem

That critical inner voice doesn’t have the same impact when you turn it into a cartoon voice, speed up or slow down the voice. It’s very cathartic to get a grip on the voices and realise that you control them, they don’t control you.  Adding humour to the voice of doom changes the impact it has on you.

The voice of doom you may be familiar with as it’s often the louder of the two voices in your head. It’s the voice that holds you back, the voice that takes you down and holds you tight in the grip of fear.  It has a detective like persona that will only look for and gather together all the negatives it can about why love and relationships are ill fated, impossible, too risky, and too scary.  This voice will do little to encourage you to be open to the love, hope, joy and connection which having a positive relationship can bring.

The purpose of the critical voice

You may have found your voice of doom likes keeping you in your comfort zone where everything is safe and familiar; it shelters you from perceived threats, from the risk of harm, from danger, it is on the lookout, constantly gathering information to support the negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, other people and the world around you.

The voice of doom actually has a positive intention and what’s beneath its harshness is a form of protection and tries to keep you safe from perceived risks to your survival.

Your internal dialogue was formed as part of your life experience from childhood to today. Every voice you have ever heard will become part of your own inner landscape and contribute to how you talk to yourself in moments of joy and moments of stress.

Knowing that the negative voice is really there to try and protect you gives a different meaning to it. As adults we can reflect on whether or not we listen to that voice or simply thank it for trying to watch out for us and then make our decisions based on the facts of a situation.

 ‘’We were born with love, fear is something we learn’’ Marianne Williamson

The voice of love

The voice of love comes from deep within, from the very heart of you, from your intuition or what some may call higher wisdom (or gut feeling) from the very core of your being, the voice that was part of you when you were born, open to love, open to receiving, open to joy and possibility.

Taking back your power

Once you start to listen to this voice you have the potential to transform your life. You will be looking through the eyes of love, filtering for opportunity and open to receiving love.  You will move to a place where anything seems possible and you welcome the unknown whatever it brings.  We can never quantify everything, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, find our wings and fly

The job of the voice of love is to keep you true to who you really are, to allow the essence of who you are to flow through, it’s there to guide you towards happiness and love if you will stop and listen.

The voice of love may have been waiting in the wings for decades waiting to be heard. Allow it to step forward, to welcome it with open arms, listen to it and trust and respect that this voice needs some air space too.

Breathe life into the voice of love

Listening to this voice, connecting with it at times of indecision, will serve you well. Ask yourself ‘’what would love do here?’’ and then let the voice of love (your inner voice) express itself.  This is the voice of your inner power, the truth of who you are.

The voice of love can be compared to a gentle voice perhaps caring for and speaking with a two year old, calming and soothing them, being patient, loving and forgiving.

Now that you understand more about your negative internal voice and its intention you can decide if it’s time to stop listening to the voice of doom, because there is another way – to listen only to the voice of love.

Insightful Questions

insight

Read through the following questions. Begin to which voice you pay attention to the most, notice how your emotions change based on which voice you listen to:

  • What voice have you been paying more attention to – the voice of doom or the voice of love?
  • Does one or the other voice get louder when you’re with certain people or in a certain place?
  • Think about the tone of voice and what it says, who does this remind you of?
  • What type of things do your voices say the most often to you?
  • How has listening to the voice of doom affected you and your life to date?
  • What opportunities have you missed out on by listening to the voice of doom?
  • What would you have to give up to hear the voice of love?
  • What can you put in place today to be sure that you listen more to the voice of love and less to the voice of doom?
  • How can listening to the voice of love improve your life, love and relationships?

 

Todays blog is taken from Find YOU, Find LOVE my first book  in a series of books about love and relationships.  If you would like to read Find YOU, Find LOVE it’s available on amazon http://goo.gl/crnvoZ  or you may wish to attend a one day workshop that teaches you The Spotlight Process, a unique technique that I have developed to help you to get to the heart of your love and relationship problems.  The next workshop is on November 15th and bookable via this link  http://goo.gl/aMlZQY